WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[The Wifey]

Just my 2 cents, which may come late - unemployment has been extended even more. No matter what you explain to your boys, they may very well feel you are leaving them. I couldn't be away from my S that much.

[Stronger]

Now I'm worried you haven't posted to say what happened......where are you?

[Tomato]

hey my SE PA bud. Hope the day is off to a grand start for ya.

May peace be upon your heart with each step

Ted

[MrBond]

hey guy,

You okay?

[confusedinpa]

All

I'm sorry for the "posting silence" the last couple of days. My internet went out and just came back this morning. I had my 7 year old today and both tonite so I had to wait till they were in bed before I took time to do other things.

My wife and I had a very long discussion on Sunday. I think it was the longest we talked one on one since she moved out. She had gotten her mom to watch the boys so we could talk.

It started with us just chit chatting as we ate. After we were done eating, we went to the family room to talk. She immediately asked what my thoughts were on the job offer. I told her that I was still considering it, but wanted to know her thoughts. She said this is my decision so I should do what I want.

I told her that really not true as what I would want is to have her and the boys go with me so we can have a fresh start. She said that she didn't want to go with me. So I said if that's the case, then I would want to take the boys with me. She said that she's not going to give up her 50% custody. Then I said, so it sounds like it's really not all my decision as I can't do what I want.

She then said that she had grown up without a dad and I had grown up without a dad and can't believe that is what I am going to do the boys. I told her that's not what I am doing, it's what this she is doing. I want to see the boys as much as possible and will come back every weekend to see them. She then went off about how that's going to be just like our marriage, she had to handle all the work/hard stuff with the kids (pick up/drop off/bath/bed) and all I would do is the fun stuff. I told her then I'll take them and she can come visit as often as she wants. She said she's not going to drive that far.

So then I told her that it really sounds like I can't do what I want to do. So I asked her point blank, is there any reason, outside of the kids for me to stay in this area then as I have been staying in this area for the last 12+ years because of her. Because if there isn't then maybe this is what I need to be able to move on like she had. She wouldn't answer me as she started to cry.

She started saying that she hasn't moved on as she is still hurting and is so lonely and sad. She said that it still hurts her to see me as I still do things that hurt her. I told her that if that is happening she needs to say something. I don't know that and I can't expect to read her mind.

She then started down the path of how she sees how I've changed and I'm trying so hard, but she just doesn't know who I am. She said I was one way when she fell in love with me and then another way when we got married and now I'm someone she doesn't even like. I told her that she will never know for sure if she doesn't even try. Then I also said that I see that she's hurting and wished that I could help, but I think it is something that she has to work through in herself. If there was anything, that she needs to let me know.

She said that she was working on herself (those books - Science of Success and The Secret; and the DVD's).

Then she asked why do I am approaching the job offer as a way to move on. Why can't I take the job offer and keep looking for something in this area? I asked is that what she really wants me to do, is there a reason why I shouldn't move on.

Again she wouldn't answer as she just started to cry. We wound up holding each and then we kissed a couple of times. And she just held onto to me as she cried.

I started to run out of things to say about the job and the situation and didn't want to repeat myself nor get into a relationship discussion circle again. So we started just talking about other things.

I commented about how she was looking really tan. So she said that she was using bronzer to get that look. I asked if she was using it all over. She said yes with a smile and then popped one of her breast out to show me. I was, of course, happy to see it, but I still thought it was odd.

Then we got on the subject of the house. She asked was I then going to sell the house. I told her no as I would be able to keep a place here as well as a new place there. She then said it wasn't fair as she was in an apartment and wants to be in a house but can't until we sell this house so she can get the cash from it. I told her that she could stay in the house if she wanted to as I was going to be gone most of the time. She said she didn't want to stay in the house. So I told her that her decision then but I am keeping the house to give the boys as much stability as possible with all the changes they have been going through.

Anyway, we talked about various other things and as it was getting late and she had to pick the boys up from her mom, I said that I had a lot to think about.

So that was Sunday

I had my 7 year old on Monday. My wife dropped him off as well as some muffins that she made for me. They were really good, but I don't understand why she does stuff like that.

Anyway, I wound up calling the company and made my proposal of delaying the start by 2 weeks and that I would need 2 weeks vacation for the remainder of this calender year so that I could take Friday's off in the summer to spend extra time with my boys as well as the vacation we had planned. For next calendar year I wanted 4 weeks vacation. They said that they would get back with me as they were OK with the vacation time, but would have to think about working 4 day work weeks for the first 6 weeks of my employment.

My wife asked me Monday what I had decided. I told her what I had asked for but was still unsure. She reminded me that even if I took the job, it doesn't mean I have to stop my job search in this area. I told her that I know and had been thinking about that.

Then she asked if I wanted the boys Tues nite after soccer (it is her nite) as it was my birthday on Weds so I could wake up with them. I told her that I would take them as much as I can so sure. Then I mentioned that there was the beer and BBQ thing going on that she taken me a couple of years ago for my B'day. She said that she had thought about going. I asked if she wanted to go together. She said no since some of her friends from work were going. Not really sure what this meant, but didn't pursue it.

So then I said how about some other day. She said maybe this weekend the two of us could go out but it would depend on how she was feeling (she had been sick and run down lately due to all the stress). She said that we could decide on Weds. I told her that I'll think of some ideas and we'll talk on Weds.

On Tues, she dropped on my 7 year old again and then asked if I had heard from the company. I told her that I pushed them off till today for the final decision. I then asked what was her thoughts about the job thing now that she had a day or so to digest what we talked about.

She said that it does make sense to take it so that I would have a job as I keep looking for one in this area as she realized that even if I found a job in this area, with the commute, we would likely wind up with the same custody schedule as what I'm going to do now. She then said she was upset about not selling the house and the fact that I'll just have the "fun times" with the boys. She said that it's just like when we were married how I just got to make all the decisions.

I looked at her absolutely stunned as I said that I can't believe she even thinks that. I said those are two very minor things considering that she alone is making the decision to break apart the family. I told her that she needs to seriously consider that is her decision alone and the impact that it will have on all of us. She started getting teary eyed and wouldn't look me in the eye so I told her that I was going to let her go as she needs to get to work.

She wound up coming back over for dinner before my son's soccer game. Nothing major, just small chit chat stuff. She did complain about how hard it was to handle our 3 year old today. I just tried to maintain a very positive and upbeat attitude throughout the entire conversation.

She then asked if I heard back from the company. I said that I just heard from them that they accepted all my terms, with the exception that I may need to flexible that instead of every Friday, I may need to take off Monday instead. She asked what did I decide. I said it seemed reasonable as they were supportive of the concept of me spending extra time with the boys when they were out of school. She asked so what I am going to do. I said that I was going to let them know tomorrow AM.

So then we went to soccer. After soccer, we came home and had dessert. I told her that I had heard of a comedy club nearby that may be good for us to go to as it seems like we could both use a good laugh. She said that she had heard of it and asked me to look into for this weekend.

So then she went back to her apt.

A lot of craziness over the last 2 days. I did have great one on one time with my 7 year old as he was in school those two days. And I will have my boys for my B'day tomorrow. They had both made cards for me that I can open tomorrow morning.

It seems like that, from an hours basis, I will still be able to see my boys the same number of hours each week as she will be "allowing" that I will see them every weekend. She had even mentioned that we could do dinner together on Sunday nites before I went back. I will continue my search for work in this area, but so far I haven't gotten a single call back/response. It will be rough not being able to coach my son's soccer team any more (they play Tues and Thurs, so I will miss half the game for the rest of the summer season). I hope that I can find something back in this area before next season.

So it sounds like I'm heading down this path. I did talk to my 7 year old about it as on Monday, he said Mommy told him that I might have found a job. I was really surprised and asked how it came up. He said he was saying his prayers and at the end when he prayed to help Daddy find a job soon, that's when mommy said it. Then I asked was there anything else he prayed for. He said for mommy to come home soon. I asked if mommy said anything about that. He said no.

I told him that if I start the job, that we will be back to the schedule where we see each other on the weekends as he will be going to camp again. I asked how he felt about that. He said that he was happy as he knew we would still have fun together and it will mean that we could keep the house. I told him that we will have fun but there still may be a time where we will have to sell the house. And if that happens, we will pick out a place together for us. Then I gave him a big hug.

I did have a great 2 days of one on one time with my 7 year old. We road bikes and threw rocks into a pond (hey, it's a guy thing), played video games, etc. I know this will not be the last of that.

I pray that I am making the right decision.....

[MrBond]

Wow we were starting to get worried there.

After reading over the sitch it's obvious your W hasn't moved psychologically/emotionally from where she has been.

"I told her that really not true as what I would want is to have her and the boys go with me so we can have a fresh start."

No no no. You shouldn't have mentioned her at all. Just what YOU want that doesn't include her. This totally sets you up for her blaming you for things EVERY time.

"She started saying that she hasn't moved on as she is still hurting and is so lonely and sad. She said that it still hurts her to see me as I still do things that hurt her."

Stop stop stop taking her blame. You hardly even see her so how the hell are you hurting her? WHACK WHACK WHACK. Get some of your self-respect back!

"She then said that she had grown up without a dad and I had grown up without a dad and can't believe that is what I am going to do the boys."

See, this is what I call crazy talk. She's the one breaking up the family, yet is going back to blaming you.

"Then she asked why do I am approaching the job offer as a way to move on. Why can't I take the job offer and keep looking for something in this area? I asked is that what she really wants me to do, is there a reason why I shouldn't move on."

Because if you're not there, who else is she going to blame? She just admitted to you that she is lonely. What? And you and your boys aren't? More WA selfishness there.

"She said that she was working on herself (those books - Science of Success and The Secret; and the DVD's)."

Those aren't "self help" materials. They are getting what you wish for things. They aren't about making yourself a better person. You should have called her out on that one and said you had a list of better ones.

"She then started down the path of how she sees how I've changed and I'm trying so hard, but she just doesn't know who I am. She said I was one way when she fell in love with me and then another way when we got married and now I'm someone she doesn't even like. I told her that she will never know for sure if she doesn't even try. Then I also said that I see that she's hurting and wished that I could help, but I think it is something that she has to work through in herself. If there was anything, that she needs to let me know."

Did I say it enough times? She's blaming you for everything when she has done nothing to solve her own issues.

"She said yes with a smile and then popped one of her breast out to show me. I was, of course, happy to see it, but I still thought it was odd."

Okay that's just weird and kind of "Fatal Attraction"-ish.

"She then said she was upset about not selling the house and the fact that I'll just have the "fun times" with the boys. She said that it's just like when we were married how I just got to make all the decisions."

If it works out to 50/50 time how the heck is it "fun times" with the boys?"

You should have called her out on that one especially when she said you got to make all the decisions. Unbelievable!

Well we all said it before and we'll say it again. Like it says in DR, if something doesn't work, stop! Let her go and stop asking her out. I don't think you realize how much of a doormat she's treating you like.

[mindfull]

CIPA -

How can she be a WAW and be so damned codependent? It boggles the mind!!! Keep your eyes on the prize... your kids... you're enabling her. I could just hug you you're so good. But stop!

[Stronger]

DUDE!!!!!
What don't you get?????????????
Pay attention!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She needs more time BUT she knows that sooner than later SHE WANTS TO COME HOME TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You were trying to get her to say IT, to say "I don't want you to go, I want you to stay here so we can work it out...." Well, not gonna happen just yet CIPA.
BUT!!!!! and this is huge, she showed you a boob!! LOL!!! As weird as that may have seemed to you she was FLIRTING with you. She made you MUFFINS!!!!!!!
Am I the only one who sees it this way?
Keep doing what you're doing!!!
You are DBing you freaking a$$ off.
I'm so proud of you.....you turned the corner and dragged her a$$ along with you and the boys. You are doing this CIPA....do you really not see this???????

[PMA_Baby!]

Happy Bday bud!

Nice chat. You held your ground on some points, but I agree w the rest that you are still enabling her CONFUSION. Her BLAMING YOU. She has NOT taking RESPONSIBILITY and is still STUCK.

I think you are making the right decision by taking this job. I think that you should SHOW her that you are MOVING on instead of ASKING her.

She has NO CLUE what she WANTS.

All I see with her is one word ENTITLEMENT. Which is the same word killing this country everyday. She thinks because you neglected her and hurt her that she is ENTITLED to PUNISH you to treat u like this. She needs to grow up and learn to FORGIVE and MOVE ON. She has absolutely no idea how hard her life is going to be without you around. Unfortunately, because of her immature, stubborn mentality she is going to LEARN the hard way.

Nice job again on holding SOME of your ground. You're getting better but you are still trying to CONVINCE her. You still think it's a matter of the right WORDING and she will say "You're right C. I want to come back too" Even if you did coerce her to say this. She would just flip flop right back around the next day. You need to DETACH and LET her to WORK on her stuff.

God Speed. PMA

[Stronger]

Hi again CIPA
I agree with PMA_Baby and then I don't.
I agree with PMA when I'm pissed. My H just recently made the first statement about reconciling. He's been taking action for longer than that, but only recently made the first statement about wanting to come home. Now that I have finally heard the words I've wanted to hear and he's been showing effort into us, the anger, as predicted has surfaced for me. So then I turn to Mach1, BeginnersMind, Trapt, Jimbo, 2getherbutapart, AJM to talk me off the ledge....to not blow up at him. When I'm pissed about how I've been treated.....man I could choke him and then I agree with PMA that she is not taking responsibility in any of this and she needs to.

BUT when I'm not pissed, when I'm full on in my DBing mode, which I KNOW I still need to be in 100% of the time, because despite recent break throughs, this ain't over, I don't agree with PMA. Then I think that she is coming around. We all know she and my H aren't going to come back on hands and knees and say "I was wrong. I screwed up. I was selfish. You ARE the greatest thing that ever happened to me. You are the person who made me a parent, part of a solid team....blah blah blah, etc. etc. etc."
So with that, you have to hold on. You can't get mad yet. You have to hold on because I think, in my humble opinion, she's coming around. She does know you are a good thing and she is about to possibly lose you. She does know she loves you and she's admitted to being scared.
So pace yourself. Keep moving forward with what you have to do for you and the boys.
But I think there are some clear signs here:
She said she was scared.
She can't answer you "Yes, please stay so we can work this out" but she also hasn't said again "It doesn't matter to me where you live and work because we are divorcing. It only matters to the kids." Am I the only person who caught that?
And the muffins?????? I love that she made you muffins. That was effort and thought and you were behind both. AMAZING for a woman who not that long ago wanted out......or am I again the only person who thinks that?
I think you are doing everything right.