H returned last night after taking the kids to his folks place for a few days(No, I wasn`t invited along). My niece had been with us for 10 days and H had vacated the guestroom for her to sleep with me. Nice! I also harboured hopes of working on our intimacy issues which we did, a little and that in turn led us to talk more. All good.
But now H is back and, as I suspected, is back in his sullen mode. Now he did share pics of his family get together-new babies there that I hadn`t met-and all without my prompting.
And I did stay relaxed, detached and looking good.
I went to bed first, didn`t bring up about the sleeping arrangements, but he stayed downstairs and is back in the guestroom again.
Ok, one step forward, two steps back, I`m getting the hang of this dance now!
You seem to have handled not being invited along very well.
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
Oh I`m getting used to the not being invited thing!
He`s off to a concert tonight. Bought two tickets six months ago. That was back in the days I used to snoop through his email:that`s how I found out about the tickets and the (price-$250 :o)
At the time I speculated on who the tickets were for-not me anyway! Maybe he was going with his brother? Another friend? The co worker he had a fling with?
Hmmm
Fast forward to last week and he finally gets around to telling me "Huh, I`m going to a concert next Sunday. I asked DS14 but he doesn`t want to come"
I took it all very lightly and suggested he ask DS11.
Today is concert day.Its apparent that neither of my sons are going-one is away all the day, the other tentatively making plans that do not include the concert. And I`m thinking OMG would H actually go to a concert on his own and sit beside an empty seat that he paid for?Isn`t a pop concert something you would enjoy with someone? And dammnit I`d hate one of my kids to miss a chance of a free ticket. So I persuaded DS11 to go.
H was happy to take him. In our chat last week H had mentioned that he`s a loner. I don`t think he`s a happy loner but I think the concert sitch shows that yeah, he fantasises about having company(buying two tickets) but can`t seem to do anything to get it.
Ok so much for detaching, I know I got sucked into his problems today. Maybe its all part of the crazy world of the MLCer.
Oh and as for not being invited along Sleeper I`d be shocked at this stage if I were. In the past this is one area H has dithered on "Do you want to come? Why do you want to come? I don`t think you should come"Head wrecking stuff. I think I put a stop to all that with the recent wedding debacle. More crazy stuff.
Sleeper:I know you got a bit of a whipping for holding out hope for your` nut job`(not my words!) W. Well, they`re all nut jobs. And maybe we are too! I think this craziness is something bred by BOTH people. And I believe one spouse on their own can do a massive part if not 100% of healing BOTH.(Read "Zero Limits" on this poorly written IMHO but with an interesting concept) First we`ve to heal ourselves,(loving detaching, GAL), we`ve to listen really listen to what our spouse is saying and watch how they`re treating us and figure out our sh1t in the whole process(that helps us grow) then bless the other person and their actions. And leave the whole bones of the marriage out to a Higher Power to heal and piece together if that can be done.
Thanks for your comments on my thread. I wanted to pick your brain, and I responded to you, too. What makes you think DH is drifting closer?
There are a lot of times I wonder if DH is MLC, but then really, what does that mean? I won't do much different than I am and it will just last longer, right?
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Your H is pulled. Torn between nis fantasy world, OW, maybe army culture, long stints from home on the one hand, New You, his adoring kids, his family values on the other.
His selling car, taking you off c card acc, and changing relationship status on facebook may just be olive branches to OW. She must know he`s spending more time with his family than before, she may even have seen pics of you, knows the kids he truly loves are so upset by all of this.Knows her position is precarious.
Your dbing your ass off and doing so well. What does she have that you don`t?
Maybe you mother him too much. Maybe he`s stopped(to some degree) seeing you in a sexual light(hence his silence as he tries to cope with the possibility of your having a BF) He may feel you`ll always be there so he can have the best of both worlds.
Yes, I think he`s drifting closer. Your D17 noticed and girls her age are tuned in to such things. Your kids have noticed the changes in you(you`re hot! as one of them said) he has too.So as you pull him towards you, perhaps OW is pulling on the other end.
All she can do is indulge his sexual fantasies. I think if you mother him less(no more free food) and indulge his need for eye candy more he may realise he`s on the wrong ship.
H is on two weeks holiday. That means his skulking around here far too often for my liking-then disappearing for hours on end with a barely mumbled "I`m off to town"
The past two mornings he came into my bed before the kids got up. I `slept` on and realised this am the only reason he`s coming in is to continue the pretence to the kids that he`s sleeping with Mummy.
Honestly, its so frustrating and insulting at this point. I really feel like bawling him out of it and throwing in the DB towel.
I`m GALing. As best I can. Find myself very drained by it all though.
Wearing nice clothes, looking my best, looking after the kids. But etting the housework slide(a 180 for me!). Haven`t the energy for it all.
Your H is pulled. Torn between nis fantasy world, OW, maybe army culture, long stints from home on the one hand, New You, his adoring kids, his family values on the other.
This makes sense.
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His selling car, taking you off c card acc, and changing relationship status on facebook may just be olive branches to OW. She must know he`s spending more time with his family than before, she may even have seen pics of you, knows the kids he truly loves are so upset by all of this.Knows her position is precarious.
OW is not on his FB (yet), but with his profile mostly visible the olive branch makes sense. I am sure she knows he is spending a ton of time here--hence the three trips in less than 2 months. As for pics, I hope to heck she has seen some! Darn straight her position is precarious--as D9 likes to say, "daddy doesn't realize God is in control, not him." OW might as well realize it, too!
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Your dbing your ass off and doing so well. What does she have that you don`t?
No small kids at home, she is not right here to cause a constant conflict of interests, she probably makes no demands.
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Maybe you mother him too much. Maybe he`s stopped(to some degree) seeing you in a sexual light(hence his silence as he tries to cope with the possibility of your having a BF) He may feel you`ll always be there so he can have the best of both worlds.
Stopped the mothering last year when he took over the bills ans was such a jerk. Don't know about the sexual, as I have caught him admiring me, especially in low cut tops. Still lots of silence concerning my trips out of town--I leave in two days and he is still not talking about it. I WILL always be here, but my "BF" may be making him wonder about that.
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Yes, I think he`s drifting closer. Your D17 noticed and girls her age are tuned in to such things. Your kids have noticed the changes in you(you`re hot! as one of them said) he has too.So as you pull him towards you, perhaps OW is pulling on the other end.
I do not know if it is because D17 has noticed something or if it is because all of my positive affirmations, coupled with D9's, are starting to convince her. She is a tough not, though, so she may be seeing something I am not. Yes, D6 is GREAT for my self- esteem. She tells me everyday how pretty I am. Let her pull, I know what God has promised and I am putting no pressure on him.
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All she can do is indulge his sexual fantasies.
Okay, that I did not need to hear. Cause if that is the case, with the +15 year age difference, she is feeding a latent Oedipus Complex I did not realize existed.
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I think if you mother him less(no more free food) and indulge his need for eye candy more he may realise he`s on the wrong ship.
Well, I do not know how to avoid the food issue without hurting the kids, but I do have the eye candy thing down. I am always perfectly groomed--hair, makeup, contacts in daily, perfume. Maybe it is time to change perfumes. Everything I wear are ones he bought me. There are others I like, so maybe I need to go pick up something a little more sensual.
Thanks for this FG! The outside perspective is soo good to hear!!
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
H is on two weeks holiday. That means his skulking around here far too often for my liking-then disappearing for hours on end with a barely mumbled "I`m off to town"
The past two mornings he came into my bed before the kids got up. I `slept` on and realised this am the only reason he`s coming in is to continue the pretence to the kids that he`s sleeping with Mummy.
Honestly, its so frustrating and insulting at this point. I really feel like bawling him out of it and throwing in the DB towel.
I`m GALing. As best I can. Find myself very drained by it all though.
Wearing nice clothes, looking my best, looking after the kids. But etting the housework slide(a 180 for me!). Haven`t the energy for it all.
Wish I could get over this hump.
FG--
Sometimes I wonder if dealing with this crap with them out of the house is easier, even if the bulk of the issues with the kids fall on our shoulders. I think your H's mood swings would drive me nuts!
Living God's blessings with grace nd dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
The OW more than likely has had affairs before:that`s prob the one thing she is very good at-serially stealing other husbands. She`d probably prefer a husband to someone single actually, I`m begining to believe that some women like that challenge of taking the forbidden.
I knew she was a lot older. I`m just trying to figure why he`d bother with her. Intimacy didn`t take a priority for me when the kids were younger. H maintains he`d tried to tell me how to improve in that department but I wouldn`t listen. Is H givng you any clue at all what the heck that woman has that you don`t?
No, don`t ask him though! Just try to fiugre it out! Might just be that she doesn`t have kids.
Sometimes I really do think it would be easier if H were out of the house. I could have screamed yesterday.
He decided himself to go back to the guestroom on Sunday night-but comes n to my bed @ 6 30 now every morning. This is only to make it look to the kids like he`s sleeping with me.
Yesterday he announced that he was going away for the day. Asked DS14 when his golf was finished. Knew I was dropping and collecting DS from golf. Came back early to pick up DS just before I got to the club house!Without even testing me! DS did but I was nearly there by then.
He`s like a bear all evening. Not involved with the kids. Watched me mowing the lawn, while he skulked about the place. Then I ran off to tennis with the kids(nice white shorts, turqouise T and tan;keep watchin buddy!)
Came up to my room last night and asked if I`d sleep in the guestroom for a couple of days! Ha! Ha! Ha!
This chestnut has come up before. I sympathised with hi, Calmly said no but offered to sleep on the floor of our room. He siad "I wouldn`t have that" I said Honestly I don`t ming. But he refused my offer and went back downstairs.
Nutter!
I`m reading Law of Attraction and praying the rosary every day. Oh, and I`m disappearing for a whole day without the kids! Yeah! Go me! Dunno what I`m going to do but I`m going!All other suggestions welcome for putting up with this.
