Perhaps the dream was the impetus, I have pulled together all the floating thoughts and made a letter for Mark. It is 3 a.m., so I will have to edit with daytime eyes. suspect it may tend to the dramatic at times. I do want to give it to him, but of course the 24 hour rule comes into play. It may be best left here. Those of you seriously applying DB principles would caution against sending. I'll try not to be too impulsive, see what the next couple days brings. Maybe putting it all together for myself is enough. WARNING>>> LOOOOONG
MC, Since you’ve been gone, I have been reflecting on our relationship so that I can better understand and make changes that may be necessary. Initially this process was purely intended to help myself become a better person in hopes that I could make corrections that could improve my chances of having a more successful future relationship. I have come to a number of realizations and have a good idea how we got here. The blessing we could take with us out of this shambles is greater wisdom, knowledge, an ability to speak up when things get off track, a greater insight into our own needs, desires, and how our own actions contribute to the success or failure of our relationships. I can’t take this message any further until I tell you that I am so very sorry that my actions hurt and angered you. I understand now that you felt I disrespected your opinion and it must have left you thinking that I did not value your feelings. I am sorry to the depths of my heart. I apologize for failing to communicate to you my thoughts and feelings, and for not understanding yours. I feel terribly about my inability to do so. I have learned a painful lesson in this experience, and if I were ever given the chance to do so, I would not allow things to deteriorate again. I was an idiot. I hope you can forgive me for failing our relationship. Maybe you can begin by forgiving me 10 or 20%? I understand that any amount of forgiveness doesn’t signal that I have not made the mistakes, I know you have resentments. Please temper that by acknowledging my better qualities and remembering things that I didn’t screw up. I would like to express to you my most genuine appreciation for all that you brought into my life. I am sorry if I have left you feeling I was ungrateful for all that you’ve done. I was negligent to not show you more obviously how much you meant to me. I never took any of it for granted. I thought you were aware of how much I appreciated you. I hope you can forgive me for not acknowledging it in a way that made you feel how very much I did value and respect you.
As much as I am willing to acknowledge my failures & shortcomings, I have to say that I alone am not to blame for the demise of our relationship. You say you walk away with no responsibility on your shoulders. But actually, we both contributed equally. We both lacked the necessary experience in healthy relationships, in communicating honestly, and in being absolutely committed to the success of our relationship. You once asked me to write to you about love. I would add only one thought to that paper, that loving is remaining committed even when your partner is not very lovable. On a much deeper level - it has to do with bonding, becoming attached, and feeling like family. I’m not naming names…. but “Some people have problems with this kind of love, and may not be able to be attached in a deep way. They may be perfectly capable of falling in love, but not capable of staying committed. People who walk away from nice partners just didn't know much about how to LOVE, even if they were IN love.: I speak generally when I say no matter what relationship you’re in, you have to resolve your own fundamental issues for any of them to work. Any relationship will befall the same fate as long as the pattern is carried into it. This reality is the motivation for my need to analyze and understand what personality dynamics were occurring between us.
By the time that you left, I was certain you didn’t love me. I’m not a mind reader, and you scarcely spoke about your feelings or intentions. So I listened to your actions, like you have told me to do. For several months I saw nothing to indicate that you loved me or wanted to work on our problems. I made a few futile attempts to discuss what I was feeling and to understand what you were, but I quickly dropped it when you were unwilling to have the discussion. You were sick, cranky, and admittedly fed up. I was sad, lonely, and miserable The relationship suffered.. This isn’t what we’d hoped for. Despite our best intentions we let something unhealthy fester in our relationship. It seemed it would be a difficult course to reverse. Unable to see my own role in this problem, I thought of myself only as a willing partner in that venture. But I lost faith that you are willing or able.
I did love you though, enough to let you go and give you up because I could see how unhappy you were. I'm prepared to live without you even though that's not what I wanted, because I want you to be happy. I convinced myself that I was never going to be the woman that could make you happy. In the end, I strongly doubted you and did not believe you loved me.
While on holiday, the breeze coming from the sea told me you love me and I could feel it in almost a tangible way. I know that sounds crazy, and I don’t even know how to explain it except that your name and a wave of feelings reached my consciousness. It was so unusual and powerful that I have had to consider that it may indeed be true. Previously, I had viewed the situation as hopeless since I didn’t believe you had feelings for me, and I admit I had given up on you a while ago. This awakened a new realization and with it a renewed hope for us. When I spoke to you about this experience, you said I shouldn’t need a supernatural event to tell me what was in front of me all along. But quite honestly, I could not see it in front of me for a quite a long time. If you thought it was obvious, I am telling you that it was not.
How the hell did we turn something with such potential into a disaster? There has been damage done on both sides here. In a healthy relationship, each partner feels valued, cherished and respected. If these elements are lacking, a void exists in the relationship and both partners share the responsibility for that. The greatest threat is the inability of a couple to communicate these feelings to one another. When our relationship was new, we discussed this very ideal and we both agreed that it was true. Yet we both failed to do so.
“Couples may feel wronged by their partner but are unable to express what they need different. Instead of discussing the situation, couples tend to blame the other for how they are feeling. This only continues the negative sequences and makes you feel even more disconnected.” I can’t know for certain what you felt or thought about, but if I’m on the right track, it seems we both responded badly to our doubts and insecurities about the relationship. We both had doubts about ea. others true feelings, level of commitment, or depth of understanding and in response we had a similar reaction. You became cranky, I became sad. We both withdrew and put each other through a kind of invisible litmus test. Watching what the other did in attempts to gauge the other’s level of involvement or authentic emotion. It was unfair that neither knew the other was stacking up the evidence. All this could have been avoided through communication. I rarely expressed to you my need to be held by you or even touched by you for any other reason than you wanting sex, or the need to hear your verbal confirmations of feelings for me. Instead I decided the relationship was one sided, that you really didn’t care enough to reach out to me. I believed the evidence showed you were not emotionally invested as deeply as I. I remember the last sweet thing you said to me was nearly a year ago. If I didn’t kiss you, you wouldn’t me. If I didn’t touch you, you wouldn’t me. If I didn’t call you…. All this was the evident actions that I made assumptions about and which caused me to sulk. Simultaneously, you noticed my physical and social withdrawal and then began to look for more signs to build your case. We alienated each other at the very time that we wanted to love, and know that we were loved. All I wanted was to have you show any small indication that you understood I felt alienated and concerned. I now realize that acting sulky and stingy was not the way to get a message to you. My Mother behaved/es this way. In my case, it seems to be a learned behavior. Even though I didn’t like when she did it, and I didn’t understand it nor what caused her to be like that, I am programmed to follow the pattern she taught me. I recognize this problem and I hope to catch myself from repeating it. Most likely my Mother learned it from one of her parents as well. I am determined to break the chain here and stop this detrimental behavior. It is non productive and causes my emotional state to sink and pitiful thoughts to occur which may be somewhat accurate, but probably more dramatic than necessary.
I believe your illness had a very negative impact on our relationship. The longer you felt sick, the more irritable you became. I was deeply concerned about your health and grew increasingly frustrated that you were unwilling to do anything about it. It wore me out. I began to wonder how would it be possible for you to care for other people when you couldn’t care for yourself. No matter what progress I attempted to make with you to steer you towards responsible action, you were stuck doing nothing about it. I felt you disrespected my concern and opinions regarding the situation. It made me feel helpless. Your inability to deal with your health made me feel like you didn’t value your own life. I felt you owed it to the people who love you to take better care of yourself. You refused anything I offered in the way of advice and ignored my pleas for help. The same man who worked his ass off to build something for his life was willing to sacrifice everything in his life and possibly even his life. If you lose your health, and your relationship, and you can’t take time & effort to see that your son gets educated, than what is it you are working your ass off for? These neglected aspects are what actually comprise your life. Imagine how disrespected you felt when I brought home the cat. That’s not unlike how I felt when you disregarded my concern for your health. It was like hitting a wall. It felt hopeless. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you to feel so crumby for so long. I would think it would feel overwhelming at times. I watched you becoming increasingly irritable the longer you were sick. I even contemplated that it could be yet another symptom of the mystery illness. Quite honestly, it became nearly unbearable at times. When you became demanding, disrespectful and angry, I tended to be less caring and considerate, leading me to do less for you. Instead of giving you what you need, demands disrespect and anger caused me to resist and withdraw. I wanted you to have what you needed in our relationship, but this was not the way to get it. In fact these behaviors were what prevented you from having what you wanted. I needed you to Express your needs. Understand me. Take care of yourself. Be honest about what causes our problems. Everyone functions with some behavior flaws. If we ever had another go at it, I would ask that you have some empathy & understanding for mine. I promise I would have more for yours.
I KNOW that we could come through this if we both wanted it. If someday you are prepared to make a conscious and serious decision to work with me in restoring us, you can you count me in. It may not be easy. We would have to take it slow, learning to love trust and respect each other again. I understand it would be a challenge and I realize the extent of the process we would embark on by trying. I would be willing to make a cognitive choice, not purely an emotional decision, to begin that process. No one knows what lays ahead, but we don’t have to feel certain about the future while we work on changing the ways we perceive and treat each other. It would require that we put negative feelings aside and commit to the process. I know you well enough to guess that you may be reluctant to try simply because you think it would show weakness to return to a failed relationship. But in reality, It would mean showing great strength. It may well be one of the most courageous acts of a lifetime. I know my issues and although I am willing to make changes, I can make no promises, There are no guarantees, only hope and faith. But I do know I care about you enough to want it to work out. I can imagine what could be in our future if we are both able to make the changes we would be asking of each other. I still look into the future and see us together. If you don’t, and can’t imagine us being happy together, then this idea doesn’t work and it's best to take what lessons can be learned from this experience and move on. Regarding my pets: I understand how uncomfortable you have been living with animals. I felt negated that you failed to acknowledge the compromsies & lifestyle changes I made to accommodate your disdain for my furbabys. I am so sorry that the decision to bring a companion feline into the house caused you to leave. I have had pets all my life. It’s just so normal to me and they bring me much happiness. In Nov. 2005, you told me you would never ask me to get rid of my pets. Although it was clear that you were not happy to share a home with my pets, I never imagined you would walk out since you have always known how I feel about them. Even when you warned me that you would, I mistakenly did not take you seriously. I thought you’d calm down and it would ultimately be ok. I was just as shocked and disappointed in you for leaving as you were at me for bringing the cat in. Just as you can say I chose a cat over you, so can I say you left me for a cat. To me it’s trivial. To you it represented a lack of respect for your opinion. I went about it wrong. I was fully wrong to do what I did the way that I did it. It was selfish and inconsiderate. Once I decided I wanted the kitty, I tried to sell you the idea using every angle I could think of. Your stubborn resolve left me feeling less like a partner and more like a subordinate. I do not like feeling controlled and it provoked a rebellious yet passive aggressive side in me that overpowered my desire for your comfort and happiness. This was also happening at the time that I was convinced you no longer cared for me and so it was a display of intense dissatisfaction. I resented your ultimatum. What was going on here was most definitely not the constructive dialogue that could have prevented this. I felt you were overpowering me, you felt I was disrespecting you. This situation with the cat would have played out very differently if our form of communication about it had been such that we each felt understood and valued. You wanted so badly for me to see your point of view, yet you had no tolerance to appreciate mine. We came at this from totally different perspectives and failed miserably in communicating that to each other. I think considering that I want to enjoy my pets, and you can’t stand them around, you having your own place is the most sensible solution. We can all {including the pets} be relieved that the tension is off. I have considered several options of compromise that could accommodate this problem, if we ever got to a point where it was possible I will discuss them with you. There are options, whether or not you would consider them now that you’ve been left feeling disrespected is of course purely up to you.
I assure you I put my heart and soul into us and I loved you more than I ever dreamed I could love someone. I was happiest when you were affectionate towards me because it made me fell loved. When I felt that, I wanted to shower you with love and affection. At these time I felt we were blessed and lucky. Many weeks have passed since you’ve left and yet you remain the object of my heart’s desire. You may harbor fear that I can not change. Don’t underestimate the lengths I would go to in order to correct bad habits and restore your faith. In writing this, I have tried very hard to impress on you what I can see and what I would do. I have made excuses and defended myself perhaps a bit too much, justifing my actions because I continue to seek your understanding. But more importantly, I want to recognize and correct my faults. I want to be better and if I have more to learn, than I pray that deeper knowledge will come with time. Overall I present these thoughts to you in great humbleness. I acknowledge my contributions of wrong doing that have brought us to this place. The truth as I know it as well as my heart is in these words I have written you. Time tells all things. And now no matter what happens I walk into my future with no burden on my shoulder. I know what work must be done on myself. If you ever wish to be with me, I would come to you with an open heart. I have learned a lot about myself and relationships by contemplating ours. This knowledge may have never reached me if we hadn’t had this separation. However painful it has been, it brought about some good for me. I know I am better ready to make the effort towards our success. I am very prepared for you to not chose to do this. But I won’t deny that it would be disappointing, but understandable. I’ve said all I have to say to you and at least I move on knowing that I would have been a willing partner in the quest for a good and healthy relationship. I can walk away with a clean conscience.
Peace be with you always. May you live in happiness. And may you know that someone you left behind will always forever love you
