Meow.. Tomato.. thanks for checking on me. I have not been posting or reading much lately as I needed to distance myself from some feelings here. I needed to see what my feelings where or if they were because I was feeling others pain that are still where I was last year.
Right now I sit in my mothers CCU room watching her struggle to live so my marital issues are on hold once again. I am here and he is there. Different states. I wonder if I as in my moms state semi-conscious unable to move and talk if my mind would be wondering if every time my H left he room I would have to be worried about his fideltiy..... it's very sad that it enters into most situations of thought... mabye it's a couple I see I think how lucky they don't have this crap between them or I wonder which one is secretly screwing the other one over. I am sad I am so jaded now. I have never been that way. He did it to me with his last screw up and honeslty guys I am thinking about asking him to leave for good. I don't think I can "get" over the deceptive nature he portrayed in his efforts to get closure. I think it's BS. It really has changed my whole view on being able to trust him and without that there's just nothing. I don't want to spend another second wasting my life waiting for me to build trust in him again. I feel he had a chance 3 in fact and he tossed it. I know I am not DB'ing to be with him, in fact I can't even really think of anything to chit chat with him about anyway.
It's gone .... I have lost all respect and maybe even love for my Husband.... there I said it. What I haven't lost is the desire for my kids to be raised in an intact family so I am wrestling with some major decisions that will forever change my childrens lives. I can't make this decision quickly. I have taken off my wedding rings because they feel false to me now. I am very sad he did what he did by recontacting her. He may have struck the final nail.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Remember, you are an amazing strong woman and deserve the very best!! And there is no "right" or "wrong" answer. It's about living each day and making it count in whatever way you can. Making it the most happy it can be.
As you ponder the possibilities in your life, remember to take time to be kind to yourself. I sometimes think you are very hard on yourself. Perhaps it will help if you don't think of these decisions in "forever" terms, because none of us knows what tomorrow brings.
Perhaps, you need some "space" to really decide what you are feeling and what you want and there is nothing wrong with that! Perhaps with that "space" and time you will see your marriage in a new light, and perhaps you will see your own life in a new light.....or both! I know you worry about your kids, but the truth is that they are great well adjusted kids and they know that both of their parents love them and you have always provided stability for them on your own and will without question continue to do so. So, they will be just fine. They are lucky kids to have a Mom like you! But, this is a decision you make for YOU.
And for now, you also have so much also on your plate with your mother's condition. So, decisions don't have to be made now. Take the time you need!!
Call me if you want/need to.........
Praying for your Mom......
T
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
I would like to ask anyone I am on FB with to not mention my mothers status there at all. Long Story.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
sandy, I am sorry about your mom. I am dealing with my dad's illness at the moment and I wanted to share with you that everytime I feel I may be loosing him soon, I get more frustrated with H and his behaviour. It's like all the emotion from the one sitch spills over to the other. What I am trying to say is, take some time before you make final decisions. You have a lot on your plate now, take it easy. Wishing you strength, K
sandy, I am sorry about your mom. I am dealing with my dad's illness at the moment and I wanted to share with you that everytime I feel I may be loosing him soon, I get more frustrated with H and his behaviour. It's like all the emotion from the one sitch spills over to the other. What I am trying to say is, take some time before you make final decisions. You have a lot on your plate now, take it easy. Wishing you strength, K
It sucks with our parents getting up there in the years to be faced with these inevitable situations. I am a slightly distant alternate helper for my ma. She stands on her head caring for my dad with Parkinson's +. I am not sure how she is doing it. Well, in a way I am but it is just nuts.
But I think the extra heavy emotional load of being there with your mom during that very challenging situation should be dealt with all by itself which you alluded to Sandy. Completely unplug from your sitch w/ H.
I will step up my prayers for U and surely your mom.
Thanks for the prayers. I don't have time to post individually to all but I am reading here and there and pulling the nightshift from 8-6am with my mom so my Step dad can get some sleep.
Well, it seems my H is flying here tomorrow with the kids. Originally the kids and I were coming on that day for a visit (planned 3 months ago) but last we talked the kids were going to fly out here on their own. So that will be weird as we really haven't been talking much at all. He wants to live in his little happy fantasy land of no consequences and I have to detach... I am not sure how to do that when he is here with out seeming "biatchy". I mean I know he will want to hug me and we will be forced to sleep in same bed which (in which he will want bow chicka wow wow) so I don't know how to refuse without seeming harsh. That wwould be a 180 for me to do but for the first time in 19 years I DON"T WANT HIS LYING HANDS ON ME! UGGH I hope the decision comes soon as I don't like living like this and I am sure he won't either.
He'll have his snarky little laugh after I continually refuse his advances or attempts to be nice and then he will just ignore me and act nonchalant and that will aggravate me and we will rinse and repeat. Oh and his claim the other day he doesn't want to start feeling like he did 2 years ago (before the bomb) WTF... you make yourself feel that way... go ahead step off just let me know this time so I can KICK your A@@ to the curb properly.
Feel the anger.... I am tempering all this crap and emotions and it's eating me alive. I dont' want to end up despising this man but that's something I can only pray about.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
