WAW and 4 kids

[Deep]

Trying: yeah, the inclination to just beat yourself up for all the wrong things you did to lead the situation to this stage, that helped transform that wonderful woman you married into this thing you are dealing with now, is horrible. And of course, we know now, making the changes that make you a better person is good and necessary, but the beating up part is not going to help.

Also obvious that you can't control her, only your own thoughts and actions. But beyond what Cobra said about offering her choices, my humble opinion is that you also offer her support to gradually see the light. I can tell you the most painful part of the process (to me) was AFTER she decided to stay on in the marriage (i.e. made the choice), but was very clear she was sacrificing her true love and personal happiness for the sake of the kids. Was I thankful for the choice? of course! But could any man live the rest of his life with a woman as his W under those circumstances? Well, not me. But as hard as it is, it finally sinks in that you CAN'T change that either.

So I detached in a way, but showed her I still loved her, and focused on being a better father. I remember once (very calmly) telling her exactly what I would say and do if I was trying to woo her as a married W, or as OM in other words. She didn't react well, but I could see very clearly almost all of it hit home. And I made it very clear but gently, that she is doing nobody any favours by just staying, and she and I both had a right to a loving M.

W is an immensely smart woman, it look a long, LONG time but she finally started waking up in phases..

And yeah a similarity is that we are both very young looking. W looks in her mid 20's. But I was the gym rat between us; in fact, one of the factors that pissed her off was that I was spending so much time there. I cut down because she was right, and the time is spent more with the kids now.