It's MY life now!!!........

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, Andabelle! Thanks for the empathy! And I've also had people tell me that the co-worker was one to watch..... I don't know..... and especially now that my H is with her sister, I don't think that would happen (although nothing would surprised me anymore).

I have heard from H at all since he left me the VM on Saturday about work he had done here at my house. And that's a good thing for me. No contact is more healthy for me.

I did ask my S18 about what GF was like. Didn't grill him on too many details. Just asked what she looked like and if he felt comfortable with her. He said she was "pretty cool" and that she was a chain smoker (which surprises me because H finally quit about 8 years ago and since then has hated being around smoke......or he did until now. S18 said she was like a female H who liked to smoke and drink beer. When I asked if H seemed happy with her, S18 said "Yes, pretty much I guess." Then I asked "Well, are they affectionate?" and S18 said "Not really. They held hands a couple times but that was it." I know I shouldn't have asked......but surprisingly I didn't cry or get emotional at all during the conversation.

S18 said that H told him he shouldn't tell me anything about her and that he knew I would ask. This pisses me off because the deception and secrecy is so disrespectful!! Anyway, I asked S18 why H felt he shouldn't say anything, and S18 said it was because he thought it would hurt me.....??? So, I asked S18 if I sounded hurt, to which he replied "Actually no!" I told S18 that I wanted him to feel he could tell me anything, and that secrets were often a distructive thing in a loving relationship, be it romantic, or family, or friends or whatever. I actually told my H this very same thing the last time I actually spoke with him (July 3rd) and he agreed......or at least said he did. He's a lying sack of ****........well anyway.....

I have been depressed again this week. Thinking a lot about H and getting very angry. I am annoyed at feeling this way, because I have felt good about my decision to really let go and get the D and move on with my life. I know it's the right thing to do. But, I still have all these thoughts constantly no matter what else I do and I have been trying to keep very busy! I think it's because of the decision to let go. When I wanted my M back so badly, I kept remembering all the good things, which was excruciatingly painful, but now all the "bad" memories are coming to the surface, and I'm really having a lot of anger. I know it's probably just the logical next step, but I really do wish I could find the On/Off switch!!

My C and I have talked about writing a bunch of this stuff out and then we will go through some sort of "letting go" ritual......maybe I will take some time this weekend to do that.