Logged out of DB, checked email and decided to do some much-needed cleaning up and deleting. Come across a lovely Valentine's e-card from my wife. Multi-screened: "I love you Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter" kinda thing. 2 1/2 months into separation. And I start thinking "What happened?!)
I know I've posted this lament before, but...in my pre-DB pleading, looking for hope, the old "throw me a bone, here, wouldja?" I decided to look for signs of hope myself. I found them.
In December, after moving, she said to me in her apartment "Come back to me, Gardener," She may have been the one who moved, but I knew deep down what she meant. January: "I love you, Gardener. You." February: "Be my hero, Gardener." Then the aforementioned V day card. March: "I still need us, Gardener." Then she asked for a one month no-contact. End of April: "I may not be re-entering our marriage, you know." May 13: "I want a Divorce" And MC was unceremoniously over.
So the re-reading of the e-card floods me again with all the above and all I want to do is ask her, "What - or who - happened in April? Why the (seemingly) sudden turnaround!?!" My strong suspicion has since been her move-on-with-your-life IC but I don't know. And that's what gnaws at me: What happened? I don't know!
But I shouldn't bring up R unless/until my wife does. And she. Doesn't. Want. To. Talk.
Aaargghhh!
The only emotional response I evoked in 8 months was after The Note I included with Anniversary/acknowledgment card 2 weeks ago. So, should I write her again? She responded to it.
Did I say, "Aaargghhh!" ?
Vented. 48 hour rule: Do nothing. Besides, I have no idea which Mrs. Gardener will be returning from five-day vacation/visit with D, tomorrow.
Advice? Smacks upside the head?
The Lord giveth detachment and the Lord taketh it away.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
