My story is long and complicated, but I will do my best to shorten it. I need some advise, help, whatever. I tried to do divorcebusting for several months, but it did no good because my H was back with his OW and I didn't know it the entire time I was working on doing this. Anyway, I moved with my kids 700 miles away. He still denied being with her but within days of the divorce being final he brought her out in public (just like I told him he would, and he told me he couldn't because they weren't together). So, he then continued to lie telling me they had just run into each other again a few weeks ago and were barely even dating (a few hikes, bike rides etc). Well, then, I found out from her ex-husband that they had been together since a few days after he moved out of our house 9 months before the divorce was final (just as I suspected when I lived there, many things pointed that way, but he kept lying to me and telling me he would never go back to her!!) So, for 6 months out of 9 I had lived in the same place they did and he was seeing her but hiding it all. Now, they are very serious and talking marriage. We will be seperated for a year on July 26th and divorced for 2 months!! Nothing I say or do matters and only pushes them closer together and I logically know that, but is so hard to watch someone you love do this to himself and his kids. Our kids know who she is, what she did and all about her. They want nothing to do with her, or him if he is with her, which they have that option. My problem comes when it comes to my youngest. She is severe ADHD and ODD, she is extremely impulsive. They are going to visit him for 3 weeks in a few days. Her therapist thinks it is not in her best interest to be forced to meet and be around the OW (who by the way, gave up full-custody of her only son when he was 5 yrs. old to move close to my married husband, and make it her full-time hobby to break up our marriage, which she finally did!!). My DD has said she will do very harmful things to herself in order to get away from having to meet the OW. I have tried to talk to my ex and told him to call the therapist, but he says that he will do what he wants to do and the kids will just have to deal with meeting her and he doesn't care how they feel about it at all. He says that I have put all the feelings in their head and when they meet her they can make up their own mind if they like her or not. They all have said if he forces her on them they will never go back, and that breaks my heart. Before he met this woman, he was an amazing father and husband. We had our problems, but after I found out about the affair I tried to do whatever I could to heal our marriage and he was into it for about 5 months, then gave up, he worked with her all along and I know really never gave up the fantasy of how good the affair was and that maybe they could be together and have that all the time. And, now he is doing it and wants to marry her. I am just heart-broken. He was my love since I was 18. But, all the lies he told me since he moved out has made it impossible to even co-parent with him and with her in the picture offering the continued fantasy life I cannot compete with, I don't know what to do. How can a man ever respect a woman and want to marry a woman who was sleeping with him while he was married, who gave up her own flesh and blood for no reason (she is 36 yrs. old with a great job, house etc.), who convinced him that he was in an awful marriage which in turn has made him lose his kids altogether because they now live 700 miles away. I have written a book here and there is so much more, but I just don't know how to handle him with that woman or what to do to about the fact that he is soooo snowed by such a wh**e!!
Me:38 ExH:42 K: DD-16, DS-13, DD-10 T: 20 yrs M: 17 1/2 yrs. Bomb1: 7/6/07 EA/PA wh**e at work Sep.1: 9/1/07 Back Together: 12/10/07 Sep.2- 7/26/08 D filed-11/08 I moved with kids: 1/26/09 D final- 5/4/09 Bomb 2-5/6/09-told he was "dating" her again! Bomb 3- 6/14/09-found out they had been back together since 7/27/08 at least and are very serious!!
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
I'm sorry to hear that things are all over the place for you at this time.
Stop moving. Be still. Take a deep breath. Hold it. Slowly exhale.
Do it again...
And again...
And again.
First things first..
This is about you.. not him, not her. He's taking up way too much prime real estate in your brain. Shoo those thoughts of him out and focus on what is important.
You.
Your kids.
What the former man of your dreams, father of your children, divorced spouse is doing is NONE of your business. His ultimate choices created a new and far different life for you and your children than you ever imagined
As much as you may blame her for cajoling him away from his marriage and family, him for 'succumbing', he's a grown man who is responsible for the decisions he's made. By choosing to move 700 miles from him, you've placed a physical barrier that limits any and all interactions he has with his children.
They want nothing to do with her, or him if he is with her, which they have that option.
How much leeway do they have? What does it mean?
Even though you're angry, hurt and feel betrayed all kids need both parents. The fact he wants to be involved in their lives is a VERY good thing. And the kids know how much this hurts you and may feel a need to protect you when it comes to their dad.
My ex did more or less the same thing.. said he was miserable, moved out to a place no one could visit or know the address (our children included) which ultimately turned out to be her condo. With his rapid departure came divorce papers. She-bam. However, he is a 'dinner date' dad, giving about one hour every week or so to the kids at a local diner. He immediately married the woman he 'dated' during our marriage once the divorce was final.
My kids have someone they can talk to (within a time period).. a father, but no longer a dad.. no longer that special person in their lives they can hang out with, have casual time with, shoot the breeze, be a part of his/their life on an ongoing basis.
Divorce sucks for all kids. But your children have a father who wants to be with them, who's willing to let them make up their minds.. just as he's made up his with his choices. Let them choose.. and the choice should happen over time. You cannot control your former spouse's actions, nor should you. You can be the rock, the 'safe' place where your kids can turn for support.. where they can be children, be listened to.
Wish him blessings when you're pissed.. it helps dissipate the anger and promotes forgiveness (a gift you give to yourself.)
yikes, your story is scarily similar to mine. Don't think anymore about how he could've done it and why, no one knows, prob not even him,it's gone and past and even if he lied his arse off your R with him is dead, for your own sanity you have to force yourself to stop thinking of the past... what he did was loathsome and mean, by lying to you while being with her...and she doesn't look like a price pig either..nevertheless the kids come first, keep taking them to therapy and if the therapist says they shouldn't see him just yet then give them time... now, you have the job to not influence them in a negative way towards his gf, specially if they are going to marry.
perhaps only one week to begin with so kids can get used to new sitch, try to talk to him into letting kids have a chance to get used to this.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I have to agree with the above posters. Let it go. It hurts like hell, but trying to control H is not worth it either. You won't be able to control him or what he does and the sooner you accept that the better it will be. Let the kids meet her. Talk to him about what the therapist said and hope that he takes it into consideration, but understand that in his mind he is going to think that you are the one ultimately behind this. It is you trying to keep him from his kids. It is you who is poisoning the kids against him and new GF. All the bad things in the world can be attributed to you and only you. It's ludicrous, I know, but that's where he is. Surprise him and let the kids go and wish them all well and tell them to have a wonderful trip. Best thing you can do right now. If she is not such a great woman and your H is an arse when he is with her, well trust me the kids will pick up on it right away and they won't want to go back.
