Bottom line: WAW will make you responsible for as much as you let her. So the boy's got a mind of his own? Great! Celebrate it. It's only the first of many years of skirmishes she's going to face over this bone-headed decision. Now's as good a time as any for her to start coming to grips with it. In this as in so many other things, shouldering the burden of the effects of her choices is not yer j-o-b.
Bottom line: WAW will make you responsible for as much as you let her. So the boy's got a mind of his own? Great! Celebrate it. It's only the first of many years of skirmishes she's going to face over this bone-headed decision. Now's as good a time as any for her to start coming to grips with it. In this as in so many other things, shouldering the burden of the effects of her choices is not yer j-o-b.
Yeah, next time I'm going Alaskan... That looked good...
I think it's great that he's coming out of his shell; but he does have to work on his packaging... It will serve him better in the long run to make his points without the invective.
Yep, I ain't catching that ball any more...
Safe travels,
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Hey Alex - Sorry I had to run yesterday - my son walked into my office (he is going to summer school in the city and comes back to my office when he's done). He always looks at what I'm working on and I didn't want him to see me on this site. So part of what I wrote got screwed up. I just wanted to tell you to not have any expectations of her regarding the kids. You will just get let down and then you will be caught up in that, rather than what is important, which you know is the kids.
Wow - so much more. I don't know where you are at with your marriage. You're probably pretty angry at her and unable to rationally think about what you want. That was so difficult for me. My advice right now is to take her out of the equation for a moment and consider exactly what you want going forward. I remember FIB saying to me at one point that you reach a moment where you realize that DB doesn't apply. You have made all the changes you can for yourself and they have made no impact on your W. But you remember that DBing isn't to save your M - it's to make a better you. She will either notice or she won't. I remember being so caught up in her bizarre world. Everything she did - I saw, I tried to analyze, I wondered what it meant. You hear it a lot on this site - about just taking care of things that you can control. It is so true. I really believe a lot of the WAS behavior is to flex their independence at the LBS. Warranted or not, they truly believe they are being controlled and they rebel against that. As hard as it is to watch - you really have to become numb to it. If I could go back and do it again - I would have went dark much earlier than I did because of that behavior. I wish I would have been stronger and just packed up with the kids and left. But that wasn't realistic.
If I could offer you any advice that can stick - just be above what is going on. I constantly told my self Strength and Honor. All the time - Sometimes 10-15x a day. In the process you are teaching your children a valuable lesson on how to deal with adversity. I can tell you that I have heard from all three of my boys about the manner in which I handled myself. They do see it. You may not realize it, but they do. I agree that your oldest needs to express himself. I would have many conversations with him about that and that it is good that he expresses himself - but it is better to express himself with respect. Because that is how YOU would handle the situation. My kids acted out on my behalf many times. There was one incident where they snuck into the neighbor's garage and urinated in his workboots while my W and him were laying out by his pool after we just talked about divorce. I told them that I really appreciated the gesture - that I knew they were doing it for me to get back at him - but that is not the way I would handle things - that is more the way HE would handle things. Eventually we were able to laugh about that.
Anyway - just wanted to show you some support. You can reach me any time through the alt uni - just to vent. You can do this. Find your motto. Grab something that works for you. I remember last Columbus Day when the neighbor tried to bait me. I was playing football in the backyard with my boys and he drives up to his his and gets out and says "Oh I can play football with my boys, but I can't keep my W happy" then he mumbled some profanities so my kids could hear them. I wanted to beat the guy to death. Believe me, I'm in pretty good shape - it wouldn't have been difficult. But I had grab onto something. That's when I told the kids about Strength and Honor. I have heard my 8 year old use it, and use it properly. that worked for me. I know Coach used a couple of things. Find what works for you. You will need it.
Strength and Honor.
Hiya - back at ya Puppy! I have to reach out to you in the alt uni!!
Mules
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
a & k - - it is my pleasure. One of the great things about this site is the ability to pay it forward. I was always so in awe of the way people took time out to help me. My M may not have been saved but I was. If i can make someone feel a little more comfortable for even 15 minutes, it's worth it. I wish I had more time to post here, I really do.
Strength and Honor.
Mules
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
My kids acted out on my behalf many times. There was one incident where they snuck into the neighbor's garage and urinated in his workboots while my W and him were laying out by his pool after we just talked about divorce. I told them that I really appreciated the gesture - that I knew they were doing it for me to get back at him - but that is not the way I would handle things - that is more the way HE would handle things. Eventually we were able to laugh about that. . . .I remember last Columbus Day when the neighbor tried to bait me. I was playing football in the backyard with my boys and he drives up to his his and gets out and says "Oh I can play football with my boys, but I can't keep my W happy" then he mumbled some profanities so my kids could hear them. I wanted to beat the guy to death. Believe me, I'm in pretty good shape - it wouldn't have been difficult. But I had grab onto something. That's when I told the kids about Strength and Honor. I have heard my 8 year old use it, and use it properly.
Man, that really MOVED me, Mules. THAT is what it's all about, isn't it???
This as well:
Quote:
I constantly told my self Strength and Honor. All the time - Sometimes 10-15x a day. In the process you are teaching your children a valuable lesson on how to deal with adversity. I can tell you that I have heard from all three of my boys about the manner in which I handled myself. They do see it. You may not realize it, but they do.
EVERYONE who is fighting this good fight needs to read this post!!!
Wow - so much more. I don't know where you are at with your marriage. You're probably pretty angry at her and unable to rationally think about what you want. That was so difficult for me. My advice right now is to take her out of the equation for a moment and consider exactly what you want going forward. I remember FIB saying to me at one point that you reach a moment where you realize that DB doesn't apply. You have made all the changes you can for yourself and they have made no impact on your W. But you remember that DBing isn't to save your M - it's to make a better you. She will either notice or she won't. I remember being so caught up in her bizarre world. Everything she did - I saw, I tried to analyze, I wondered what it meant. You hear it a lot on this site - about just taking care of things that you can control. It is so true. I really believe a lot of the WAS behavior is to flex their independence at the LBS. Warranted or not, they truly believe they are being controlled and they rebel against that. As hard as it is to watch - you really have to become numb to it. If I could go back and do it again - I would have went dark much earlier than I did because of that behavior. I wish I would have been stronger and just packed up with the kids and left.
Mules,
This is all so true... I HAVE reached that point. I am NOT angry anymore; I'm more incredulous than anything.
I want to respond in more depth when I can spend more time on it, but I can tell you the exact moment when that "moment" finally happened.
I know I thought I was detached before (which means I wasn't detached) because I knew it was where I had to end up and wanted to be there, but as many have pointed out, it's a process and you truly feel it when it happens...
That being said, don't go anywhere, because I know I'm going to need some help/guidance with the "under one roof" thing as the lawyers start to wrangle... I know the claws are going to come out even further...
Thanks,
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
You're sounding so strong and healthy, Alex...I'm happy for you. That said, I think it's wise to look out for what comes next - since the reality of bringing in the lawyers, etc, will no doubt bubble up a lot of other emotions for all of you.
There's a lot of peace that comes with being incredulous, isn't there? It's like allowing someone to work within their own issues without allowing them to suck you into their vortex.
