Well...

[SDFoundGirl]

Once trust is broken..it's like your favorite coffee mug with the handle broken off. You glue it, but worry if the hot cup will plummet into your lap. No matter how hard you work and try...the doubt....never goes away.

...

The answer still comes down to you SD. It still comes down to a long walk at the beach....a lot of introspection....and, since you still have the ability to do so, a lot of ? communication with H?

Do you have kids? Doesn't say so in your sig. Do you need an ear?

FIB

Your analogy about trust is spot on. I never, ever believed *my* H was capable of being this dishonest cheat. I've worked really, really hard, but I can't see him the way I used to. He could become Gandhi and I would still doubt him...check up...always. That's a huge lost to a M, any relationship really. Would you continue a close R with a friend who lied to you? How long?

LW= Letter Woman, my nice term for the whore. I found letters H was composing to her while we were in crisis, hence LW.

Now, she never returned the feelings. I saw them together, I know this for sure. However...

I honestly believe she enjoyed (enjoys) the attention, needs the validation that sunshine bursts out of her hoo-ha because she's so dang considerate and wonderful (because, you know, she was after all a criminal at one point in her life). She interfered with my M. She'd just gone through her own D too. She crossed the boundary, became his confidant, advised him, LAUGHED at me on his voicemail when I was doing my 180s calling me an alien.

I hate her.

But this isn't about her, this is about my H. He is a liar. I don't know what communication will achieve at this point as I've had really direct conversations with him about no social contact with her...how it affected me...how I perceived it as an affair. I have laid it all on the table without threats, only how I feel and what I wanted, and he agreed.

But he's a liar. I checked his phone last night while he was cleaning up the dishes, and she'd called and left a voicemail. So I listened to it. Snooping? Yes. Do I care? Nope. He lost any right to privacy when he continued lying to me. He actually deletes her number/name from his call history any time she calls/he calls. How do I know this? I check the cell record.

Along with the lying, it just pisses me off that he also thinks I'm stupid.

Anyway, the voicemail was her requesting that he send her a link to the place he told her she could buy a refurbished mac...which he'd coached her and advised her to do. Now, this wouldn't be a big deal in the ordinary world, but the agreement has been NO NON-WORK CONTACT. This is not work, and her offering to buy him lunch on Friday (since he's been so helpful w/a work project and w/this computer stuff) is DEFINITELY not work. He has to go film an event that she's the head of on Friday, so he'll just cover it up in that bullsh*t.

He's had words from...true, heartfelt words, and they mean NOTHING.

I deleted the voicemail, and I deleted her call from the call history. She'll say something I'm sure, and he'll know, but he won't ever say anything to me about it.

It's the hiding of it that concerns me...why hide things that don't have at least a kernel of wrongness to it?

We don't have kids...a whole other thing that just about breaks my heart now that I'm headed toward 40. I keep thinking H will just dump me and go have kids with someone else...and I think that might send me over the edge.

My H is so serious...so dang "enlightened"...and so unable to let go and be light-hearted and silly. I am a different SD with him than I am with my good friends, and it's because of reaction to that over the years. We don't have fun...and I come, again, to the question Is This All There Is?

I could go on in this M until I die...I feel like I have worked my butt off...and I think he thinks I'm the only one who should compromise or grow as he's already so enlightened and perfect. I want passion, joy, love, fun, laughter, exploration...I have tried to engage H in these things, and it's just not there.

It may be the MLC talking, but I wonder if I made the wrong choice. I do know that I married H because he was safe and I believed he'd never hurt me by being unfaithful, that I would become a better person myself because he was such a good guy. Did I settle? That's the question that's been in my mind for quite a while, and it's still unanswered.

A walk on the beach is exactly what's called for. H is out at yoga, will be back soon, and maybe I'll just be scarce and go see the ocean.

I've got lots to think about, just trying not to let MLC bull or emotions make decisions I'll regret.

SD