Just so you know...

[bluerain]

I finally asked H what was up. He said hes been having doubts, I told him that Ive been really enjoying being more in touch with him, he said he loves to hear about all of the cool things Ive been doing with work, hes just confused. I validated, said I understood that he was confused, and even how he got that way.

Then he asked if I was ok, I said I was, I had a feeling that something was up with him and had been trying to give him space. He said he figured that I must have, I told him I was psychic . He said no, your just a woman. We managed to get a little more light in the convo and I told him I had to go help my dad get some fish and would talk to him later. I dont even want to talk to him, so going dark again shouldnt be a problem!

What now. I dont even know. Im kind of disgusted. Oh your confused? I have something clear for you, Kiss my A**. Poor baby, screwed around on your wife, I feel SO bad for you. Ugh.

[DCBHM]

I can imagine how you feel. I don't know what to say to make it better, but venting does seem to help me as well.

We have our moments.

[motoB]

Wow, I just sat here and read all your sitch, and man no wonder you had such good advice for me. Your incredibly strong and patient, you seem like an awesome person... whats with the spouses why cant they see it sometimes? I guess in most cases its the old don't know what you got till its gone syndrome. My heart goes out to you, and your in my prayers.

On another note what kind of dogs do you have? My W and I raised Great Danes. Man I miss em so much. My house was full of critters, from the dogs to cats, ferrets, fish, and turtles... of course the horses outside. I really miss them all.

[bluerain]

MotoB, I have a mastiff and a mutt, beleive it or not, the mutt is bigger than the mastiff. Its about 300 lbs of dog. Drooly drooly dog. I have 3 ferrets too. I started to thin out the pets, but I decided that I was through letting him cost me the things that I loved. Its gotten tough at times, with vet bills and whatnot. But its not their fault, so Im not going to let them suffer.

I think that Im done. If he wants to be with me I think that he will move heaven and earth to do so, but Im not waiting for it anymore. For over a year I have prayed for this to end, for us to be a family again. I gave him forgivness, something that is probably the most difficult thing that I have ever given anyone, and probably one of the most profound and significant things that he has received, maybe ever will. And he has jerked me around. I know that you are supposed to forgive everyone, everything, and I have forgiven him, but I dont have to, or want to keep taking it.

He gave up only a month into our reconciliation, without seeing a IC of anysort, or doing any research, reading an books, or even seeing me! I dont really care if this is normal, or to be expected. Whatever. Im just so tired.

[karen43]

I agree. You really are an awesome person! I think you do deserve better. If he ever gets to the point where he is mature enough to be in an R, you can always reevaluate at that point. If nothing else you need to detach for you. Are you planning on going NC with him?

[DCBHM]

I don't think any of us should lose sight of the fact that we deserve better in these situations. We can't choose who we love - but we should always recognize who we are and be happy with that.

Don't let him bring you down through his bad behavior. I'd have gotten my hopes up to. Could be a 2 steps forward, 1 step back thing.

One day at a time.

[motoB]

I agree with you, and recognize your frustration. I wonder though... what does you giving up really mean? Does this mean your simply not trying anymore, but your open to progress, or that you done and its over no matter what? I think there's a difference there, and I'm curious which path your seeking. I thought of you last night, and your sitch... and hoped you were just blowing off some steam. Seems that may not be the case.

I understand your frustrations. I'm really frustrated in my sitch, but its cause I have no answers, and I kinda wish I could confront and tell her that we've been together for nearly half our lives, we came from absolute poverty, and made it to our dream home, and built a family in the process. She saw me off to war 3 times, nursed me back to health after a horrible motorcycle accident where I spent nearly 3 months in a bed and do nothing for myself, and helped support me when My father died slowly of cancer, we've been through so much, and that's just in the past few years ... and she wants to quit now because I became insecure and smothering??????? What the Hell? Ya know?

I don't understand, just like I feel you don't either. I don't know you very much and I don't feel your pain exactly, but I know ultimately you must do what you feel is right, but maybe you should do it with a clear mind. Not one clouded with anger, and frustration. Obviously I'm new to DB'ing, and don't feel like I have a lot to offer right now as far as advice goes, but I care and I would like too see you reach your goal. Like I said I have more questions about all this(my R, and DB'ing) than answers, but I'm here for not just me, but for anyone that I can help somehow... and I feel compelled for some reason to reach out to you. Sit down, and take a deep look into your heart and soul, don't let your brain dictate the answer... then pull it from inside there. It may not be the easy answer, but most likely it'll be the right one.

I'm sorry if Ive hijacked your thread, not my intention I assure you. Right now the whole subject of giving up is just touchy to me. I'm really impressed with your strength and patience like I said earlier, and I know I'm just catching you on a down point...
You got this bluerain. I(and it looks like a few others on here) believe in you!

[karen43]

Well, I don't think detaching and dropping the rope is necessarily giving up or it doesn't have to be unless br wants it to be that. I think it's more just a way of being healthy and not getting so caught up in our WAS sometimes crazy behavior. One helpful site on detachment (someone else posted this on Newcomers and I apologize I can't remember who) but this I think is a good explanation at: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Karen

[bluerain]

Thanks for the encouragement everyone. I think Im partially venting, partially feeling out how it feels to say it all out loud.

Karen, I was toying with the idea of going with. The military will still pay to move me, but honestly, Im not sure that would be wise. Im thinking that I need to switch gears and start building my life. If he wants to be a part of it, then wonderful, if not, I need a plan B. Im not financially independent right now, and I have to get there, Im not sure how yet, I may have to get a roommate. YUCK!

Mostly, I am at a point now where its his turn. I need to see some kind of action on his part. Since holding my breath waiting to see it would be a terrible idea, Im just going to start off on my own path. Im not going to sign any papers right now, that will still be his responsibility, but if he wants a D then he can have it. My patience ran out when he started treating me like trash again. I deserved more than him just dropping off the face of the earth like he did.

[kassie]

B,

Sorry your reconciliation isn't going the way you expect.

It takes time to change the patterns we develop in our M's.

There is movement forward and a step backward.

Hope you are just venting- if you feel you are being mistreated, what can you do for yourself to feel differently. Sometimes we expect our partner to make us feel one way or another when it is really our responsibility to manage our own needs.

H's behavior is typical of A, and WAS. It doesn't change overnight... you have been patience and forgiving... if your forgiveness is real, then it is time to do something different on your part. Figure it out if you can... would like to see things get better b/c I know they will in time.