If you see yourself dropping the rope when you tell her this decision, then I think it is the right move. If you are hoping it will change her mind about seeking out the mediation, then I don't think it will work.
No, I am not trying to change her mind. There seem to be different uses of "drop the rope" around here and I don't recall seeing the term in DR , but in my definition, I dropped it with Last Resorting and admitting that our marriage, partnership, companionship, and all its many intimacies is over in her heart and in my mind, and has been for quite a while. And I've posted before that when I keep the attitude/stance of "Gardener, face it: you have no marriage; you have no wife," I seem to DB and just function better overall in general.
And I must admit that in a way, my "won't resist but won't assist" position is twofold: 1)in my heart I cannot validate something (us Divorcing) that I feel is so very wrong by actively helping her set it in motion and accomplish it. 2)Pre-DB, I super nice-guyed and helped alleviate some of the consequences of her action by moving out: Giving her our bed, some furniture, our cat, and so many things ("sure, take it"). I got a truck, physically moved her out/in. Gave her $ecurity Deposit and 1$t Month's rent. Agreed to taking equity out of the house when she got to financial brink, etc.So now, I feel strongly that "If you want to be divorced, I understand (I don't, really)". And..."if you want to get divorced, then go do it."
If that makes any sense.
"It's so hard admittin' when it's quittin' time" - Mary Chapin Carpenter
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Do you think you are at that place you can truly drop the rope and move on without her?
In my mind, yes. My heart lags a bit. Along the lines of my heart still has a shrinking store of hope, but my mind has lost all optimism.
And limbo sucks. It's the limbo that keeps me mentally obsessing more often than I'd like, more than is healthy, for sure.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
You sound good. BTW, I like your style of writing. You have given me a smile or two (in spite of a frown now & then...lol)in your posts. I hope you won't lose your humor down through life. It's a gift.
Thank you! I appreciate that.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Regarding the term, "dropping the rope, you will have to ask somebody who has been around longer than me. I do remember WAS's saying that it was when their LBS "dropped the rope" that they realized what they were doing in their M.
I was so certain that I remembered reading about it in the DR book.....even remember the part of the page it was on.....but when I got my copy out and start researching....I could not find where Michele had actually used that term. I KNEW I had read where Michelle talked about that technique and I remembered it was barely brought up in the book. Anyway....she did mention the subject of one having to resort to that when all else failed. However, she refers to it as the "After the Last Resort Technique" on page 219. Very little is said about it b/c as she has pointed out....she is encouraging people to do all these other things to save their M and THEN if it doesn't works, this is "after the last resort technique". Of course she has the part on "The Ultimatum" which is a little along those lines, but I didn't see that term used.
This is just my opinion.....and maybe mine alone (not dragging anybody else in)....but I believe there is a difference in "detaching" in the LRT, from "dropping the rope"--as in After the LRT. Won't get into all that again, but I see the dropping the rope as the very last act before going for D.
Anyway, you know you still have us here to try to encourage you and give you support in whatever you decide.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Let's see......"dropping the rope". So many LBH's have a big problem understanding exactly what that is and I don't know that I can explain it to your satisfaction. To me, it is all about a final decision. It is "attitude". You have to make up your mind once and for all that you are turning her lose and moving on. Now......how is that different from the "detaching" that we always talk about? Dropping the Rope...."is" detaching, but it is a one time decision....or a final decision (I should say) to put down that emotional tie you have with her and let her go. Can you see that image in your mind? There you stand with a short rope tied around her waist and you are pulling and holding as tight as you can so she won't budge from your side. She, on the other hand, is struggling to get away from you, so she's pulling also. The two forces that are pulling "AGAINST" each other is causing so much friction that there is no chance of peace! Talk about stress!
So, what would happen if you dropped that rope? Can't you see that picture in your mind? I bet she is straining against your hold so hard that she'd nearly fall on her face when you let go. That's the point. At least, part of the point. First, she would be shocked. Can you imagine the look on her face when she nearly falls from you suddenly dropping that rope and she begins to stumble? Then it's like she isn't sure what to do. Should she leave? Does she really want to, now? She keeps looking back at you to see what you are going to do about that rope! But, you aren't paying any attention to the rope. You are busy looking at life instead of the rope! It seems as if.....no wait.....YOU ARE actually living your life without her. Does that mean you will move on without her??? Wait, wait,,,,,,she starts trying to get your attention b/c she's decided that she doesn't want to leave after all.
Now, in all reality, there is always the possiblity that she will take off running the minute you drop the rope and she sees she is free! That is why this technique cannot be a gimmick hoping it will draw her back to you. It must be done strickly for your sake and b/c you cannot continue to live like this any longer.
What is the difference in dropping the rope and getting a D? If you decide that you will move on with life without a chance of her ever being a part of it.....then get a D. Plain as that. However, if you can move on with your life without her in it....but would consider rethinking her being in it if she was willing to make radical changes and not have any other interests in men or dating, etc........."then" you would be willing to include her in that life.....but ONLY if she was willing to work at the M and give up these other WAW ideas.
Logged out of DB, checked email and decided to do some much-needed cleaning up and deleting. Come across a lovely Valentine's e-card from my wife. Multi-screened: "I love you Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter" kinda thing. 2 1/2 months into separation. And I start thinking "What happened?!)
I know I've posted this lament before, but...in my pre-DB pleading, looking for hope, the old "throw me a bone, here, wouldja?" I decided to look for signs of hope myself. I found them.
In December, after moving, she said to me in her apartment "Come back to me, Gardener," She may have been the one who moved, but I knew deep down what she meant. January: "I love you, Gardener. You." February: "Be my hero, Gardener." Then the aforementioned V day card. March: "I still need us, Gardener." Then she asked for a one month no-contact. End of April: "I may not be re-entering our marriage, you know." May 13: "I want a Divorce" And MC was unceremoniously over.
So the re-reading of the e-card floods me again with all the above and all I want to do is ask her, "What - or who - happened in April? Why the (seemingly) sudden turnaround!?!" My strong suspicion has since been her move-on-with-your-life IC but I don't know. And that's what gnaws at me: What happened? I don't know!
But I shouldn't bring up R unless/until my wife does. And she. Doesn't. Want. To. Talk.
Aaargghhh!
The only emotional response I evoked in 8 months was after The Note I included with Anniversary/acknowledgment card 2 weeks ago. So, should I write her again? She responded to it.
Did I say, "Aaargghhh!" ?
Vented. 48 hour rule: Do nothing. Besides, I have no idea which Mrs. Gardener will be returning from five-day vacation/visit with D, tomorrow.
Advice? Smacks upside the head?
The Lord giveth detachment and the Lord taketh it away.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
And the Lord giveth Miracle Grow when all else fails.
When you look for hope, you find it. When you look for failure, that pops up, too. They say actions speak louder than words. She moves out.. but loves you, you're her hero, needs to be a couple. Me.. I'm clueless.
Time away with the daughter and grandbump must touch something deep in the heart. "No expectations, no intentions." "Give out what you want to receive."
We learn all sorts of ways to exist and grow through this experience. What I learned was to listen to my Bullsh*t Meter and my inner voice. At some point the improving, positively empowered person starts to emerge.
If it feels right to do it... do it. If it feels wrong, don't do it. If you waffle or can't decide.. don't do it.
The interesting thing is that if something is a good idea now, it will still be a good idea in a day, weekend, week, etc.
What do you do when you talk to her? Ask about her, what's been going on, was it a good trip, how's the babybump. Nourish her with the miracle of what is growing within you. You can be focused yet detached, loving without pursuing. Like a gardener you know the difference between a weed and a bud, when to prune, pluck what's dead, keep what's needed for the health of the plant.
