Well, tomorrow is the first hearing. Maybe we can put this protective order to rest finally. I feel nervous about it but I believe it will be ok. I'm going to have to be strong in there. Seeing her across from me, no doubt trying to undermine me in some way is going to be unnerving. The sad part is that I miss her like crazy and sometimes it hits real hard, and other times its more of a dull ache. One problem Ive been beating myself up on and my friends too for that matter, is that if she thinks that I have PTSD from the war, which she alleges in the D papers and something she told me before, if this is true then why would she leave me? That one hurts.
Also today I found that a misguided family member tried to do me a "favor" and post me on the singles in craigslist! Picture and all! Man that ticked me off, but anyway I flagged it and it should be removed. That's the kind of stuff that could ruin this for me.
Some folks tell me she sounds like a woman who's moved on. I don't know if she has or not, for that matter I don't know if I believe in that or not. I think anyone could fall in love again if they see that side of a person that they initially fell for to begin with. To be honest I still think she loves me, I just feel shes looking for this magical place that her friends and family tell her about that she will have when were D. I wonder now, if maybe someone else is involved? If they are I believe she hasn't acted on it yet, but maybe someone waiting in the shadows? I would never have thought this of her before, but of course I wouldn't have thought she would put a protective order against me either. I have to be careful and not get all tied up in this train of thought though, sleeping is hard enough as it is. I think this is more me just not understanding her actions. Of course everyone one around me telling me these things isn't helping the sitch at all.
I look forward to starting the DB'ing(once the R-order is done.) I pray it reaches her. The day after tomorrow is 2 weeks into this, that means I have 6 weeks till the end date. I wish there was some way I could get her to hit the pause button to give us some time, without her feeling like I was trying to control the sitch, or smother her again. Any ideas on this if anyone has any would be great.
Last but not least, counseling was rough today for me. I'm taking a very spiritual path here(meaning I think God and some good ol DB'ing will save my M) with my counseling, although good for teaching me tools to over come my weaknesses, Not so good for believing in God and letting him handle it. I had to defend my religious stance on this a few times today, and defend why I would try and save my marriage to a woman who doesn't want me. Very draining, and honestly a huge downer. I pray tomorrow will be better, but considering Ill be in court with the W...??? Please send some prayers my way....
