A Crossroads

[Can it work]

Here's the link to my last thread:

A New Thread, a New Outlook

I've decided to start a new topic for a couple of reasons. The first being that my last one is getting fairly large and is bound to lock soon. The second is that I think I've been through a bit of a transitional period lately and needed to start from a fresh canvas with what I post.

At the end of my last thread I was almost reaching the point where I was going to throw in the towel and find myself happiness elsewhere. That was probably my intention until Friday night when I went out with some friends. A friend of mine had been trying to set me up with one of her other friends. This girl seemed really nice, ticked all the right boxes and in my pre-M days I would have jumped at the chance. It turned out she really liked me too and there was a lot of flirting involved. I'd a few drinks so was relaxed and open. When things started looking more like something was going to happen though, I backed off. Way off. I couldn't do this to my W. I couldn't even believe I was contemplating it! I felt dirty and disgusted in myself. It served as a reminder how much I still love that woman who has put me through so much pain.

Then it came to Sunday. Not only was it Father's Day it was also my W's birthday. I just got her a normal card from myself but got her a really nice one from Wee Man and I also got her a beautiful canvas made up of an excellent photo I had of him. She seemed genuinely touched and grateful. I saw in her once more the woman that I love and it confused the hell out of me. It showed me that I really haven't managed to detatch very well at all. I know I've been successful in finding myself since we separated and I know that I like myself more than I did before we separated with gallons more self respect. I'm a better person for it all but I still can't shake the desire I have to reconcile with my W.

Last night I was at my W's house to bath Wee Man and spend a little time with him since work constraints have made me unable to have him staying at my house mid-week this week. After he went to bed my W and I had a quick chat and out of the blue she told me she didn't know that I knew a couple of guys I met recently through friends. I asked her how she knew that I'd met them. She said she'd seen them in a few of my photos on Bebo. Why is she still checking out my Bebo page? Again, that set my mind racing. I know I've been looking at her page on occasion but I make no secret of the fact that I'm still very much in love with her (I don't tell her that obviously though!).

I've not been posting as much lately because I just feel so confused about my feelings right now and don't really know how to proceed. She still holds my heart in her hands and I know that's a bad thing as far as DBing is concerned. I almost wish that I could stop loving her so much but I can't help it. The heart is a funny thing.

Kev

[MsMelancoly]

Hey Kev, I was wondering how things went. Sounds like it went ok, no backsteps right! I find it interesting she is checking up on you. So she is curious about the new Kev, just doesn't want to show it.

I can understand, the feeling of your heart being held in your W hands. I still feel that way about my XH. My heart just isn't as much as a captive. For some love & loyalty is much harder to let go. Good for you for stepping back from that OW friend. I think I would feel the same way.

Keep being the best you can be!!

[Can it work]

Hi MsM, thanks for your response. I was beginning to think I'd have to go it alone with this one since I had over 70 views of my new thread with no posts!

There's been no back steps since my last post I'm happy to report. I had Wee Man for the whole weekend and we had a great time together. My W went out and celebrated her birthday since she hadn't got the chance last weekend. Last night when I took Wee Man back down I simply asked her if she'd had a good night without asking any details. She told me some drunken guy had fallen in to her and knocked her to the ground and she'd hit her head. She then asked me to feel the back of her head to see if I could feel the lump. My god it's been a long time since I got to run my fingers through her hair! It felt so good!

After I dropped Wee Man off, I went for a 2 hour run on my mountain bike to clear my head. I managed to find a couple of really good new trails which pleased me no end. It's been suce beautiful weather here that it's a pleasure to get out.

I'll have Wee Man back staying with me again tomorrow and Wednesday night. Then next week will be a bit different again as my W is going to one of the summer music festivals at the weekend. That means I'll be getting him for 5 nights over the weekend which I'm really looking forward to.

I think the fact that I've discovered that I'm still not ready to move on has given me increased patience once more. I can't report any massive amounts of progress but I also don't need it to happen in the short term any more. I'll just have to see how it goes from now on and try to keep the back steps to an absolute minimum.

Kev

[MsMelancoly]

Funny how it always comes back to patience no matter what stage you are in. Good job at re-focusing!!

It will be interesting to see if you W contacts you on her 5 days away. The tables will be turned & she will get a small dose of how you feel (in regards to Wee man).

Personally, I don't like the upgrade the forum made. I skim through the forum topics, but nolonger go to the 24 hr posts.

Good to hear all is well!

[MsMelancoly]

Hey Kev, How are you doing??? Hope all is going well!

[JCJ]

Hi Kev

Just wondering how you are?

[Can it work]

Hi there MsM and JCJ

Sorry I've not been here in a while. My life's been a bit hectic recently with work and looking after Wee Man. I've just had an amazing long weekend with Wee Man while my W was away at a music festival. He was staying at mine for 5 nights in a row which is the longest I've had him since the separation. It was absolutely brilliant. We had loads of fun together and did numerous fun things. My W was indeed in touch every day she was away asking about him. I just made sure she knew that everything was fine and not to worry about him. It sounds as though she's really missed him though and won't be in any hurry to go away for so long without him again any time soon.

I dropped him off at my W's house this morning on the way to work and I have to admit that it was amazing to see her again. I've accepted the fact that I'm not over her at all and not in any way ready to move on without her. I'm not going to mess things up by pursuing her any more but it feels good to know that I'm still holding out some kind of hope. She's been really pleasant to me recently and it's felt good. I wouldn't say there was any progress as such but it feels good to be getting on.

I'm not going to have Wee Man staying at my house now for a week but she told me to come by any time to see him over that week. I plan to go past to bath him a couple of nights this week and to take him swimming at the weekend. I like those visits to be honest because it means I get to spend a little time with my W as well.

So, to generalise, I'm doing ok. Still keeping up my exercise as much as I can and doing things with friends to keep my spirits up. The whole sitch with my W still gets me down if I let it though. On a plus note, I'm nearly finished my prescription pills which have the side-effect of causing depression. I've been taking them for 4 months now. In hindsight, beginning the course just after separating with my W possibly wasn't the best idea but the benefits I've gained from taking them are very obvious and I'm pleased with them. I don't know if my mindset will change when I stop taking them but it will be interesting to find out.

Life is very much what I make it right now and I'm determined not to let myself get back down in to a slump no matter how much I miss being with my W still.

Kev

[MsMelancoly]

Hey Kev, Welcome back! Sounds like you had a terrific weekend with Wee Man. I'm not surprised the W called every day. Maybe this time away gave her some things to think about.

Sounds like a tiny step forward as she offered that you could come over to see Wee man.

Be happy with the status quo for now, as you see in other sitches, it could be much worse. Remember patients is your friend.

Will be interesting to see how you feel off your meds. Good job for staying on them, even if they did get you a bit down.

[Can it work]

Things aren't really progressing much at the moment in my sitch but it's not going too badly either I suppose.

Wee man was ill on Tuesday when I went to pick him up from my W's house. It was heart breaking to see him like that as I'm sure every parent knows. He just wasn't himself even though I did manage to get a few gorgeous smiles from him after acting like an idiot. Thank god nobody could see me! I was in close contact with my W during the evening though to the extent that she ended up coming to mine so we could both fuss over him. We came to an agreement that he wasn't going to be able to go to the child minder the next day and that my W would take the day off work using some parental leave. Because of this we decided that it would be better for him if he went to bed down at her house. This way, if he was up through the night, she could see to him and they could relax the following day. So, I took him down to her house in his pyjamas and we put him straight to bed. We then talked for a while about nothing much in particular before I went home. She did offer that I could stay at her house in the spare room if I wanted but I declined. I did however ask her to call me at any time to update me if necessary and in any event before she went to bed to let me know he was ok. He was sick later on in the evening and she called me to let me know. He seemed a lot brighter after that though. Anyway, they had their relaxing day together and I took him last night to give her a chance to get some rest. Because I never had him stay on Tuesday night though, she said I could get him Friday and Saturday night this weekend instead of my usual Saturday. Rather than me pick him up from work tomorrow though, she suggested that I could go home and have my dinner first and she'd take him past a bit later. It's always good to see her too so I accepted.

She's definitely still not showing any signs of affection towards me but I do feel as though this past few days has given me a chance to prove some more that I'm a good father and that we work well together as a couple. I can only pray that she keeps seeing this as a good thing and makes her less hell-bent on us remaining apart. It's all going to take a long time but I've learned to be a patient man and truly believe it will be worth the wait if we can find happiness again.

Kev

[MsMelancoly]

Hey Kev, Good to see you are still posting once in awhile. Sorry to hear Wee man was sick. Sounds like you & your W handled it well.

Sometimes when your sitch isn't horrible, it's good just to be comfortable, so to speak, with limbo land. In it own way it's detaching. We each have are own time lines for dealing w/things. You seem to be taking it all in stride - bravo!