I don't think you can set those boundaries with her.
The kind of boundaries you can set are those that affect you personally: if she talks rude to you, if she's abusive to you physically, verbally, etc., if she takes things from you without asking, etc.
Her going out and enjoying the single life isn't something you are going to be successful at telling her to stop.
It's a fact, we rebel against those that control us and the more you attempt to control her, the more she will rebel.
Something about boundaries.....some have to have immediate reactions/consequences.
Other boundaries....they have to have a longer time to make a "final impact".
This for example, you had to tell her you don't like the all night partying. If I recall correctly you asked her to stop and explained how it was impacting the family.
Good. That is your first necessary step.
This is not going to have an immediate reaction or consequence IN HER EYES so she'll keep doing it.
But over time as you DB, she will realize you are pulling away, you are getting a life and she'll be able to put her finger on this.....
"Oh, my H is pulling away from me....he doesnt' like me like he used to.....oh CRAP....how can this be? What have I done.....?????"
She'll think about it.....then it will hit her "Oh, I know, he said he didnt' like the all night partying....I'll stop that."
Does this make any sense?
You set boundaries, make them clear, but understand that every time she does this, you don't have to react, (by having a fight everytime or giving her a dirty look when she comes in early morning, etc.) just do a slow pull away so as the self destruction continues you and your children don't have to get dirty when it all finally explodes.
My guess as you successfully DB there are things she will stop doing. It will be her small steps to coming back. A drop in partying might be in that first step.
After catching W with OM and catching her in more lies, the D has caught the expressway to D-town again. W terms are relatively fair, but she is playing the lawyer card on me If I try to fight her on it. At this point I think I wan to ask for a trial sep with separate houses first. Any thoughts ?
I forgot to add I didn't catch them doing anything, just giving him a ride to his car
Last edited by ShockedOne; 07/14/0911:05 PM. Reason: Left out something
Well, not that it matters now, I did talk to her about the trial sep. with sep living situations. She agreed to give it a month or more for trial, and I explained that this is not only for me, but more for her. W being the one who wants the D, I don't want to file the D immediately and have her hold regrets in the future for such a fast motion with no trial sep.
I talked to her on her way out the door. So yeah, I asked advice and then jumps the gun. But I do believe it was a productive conversaton.
On a side note, I finally ws able to rack down the Time article. Interesting study on how two parent family kids outperform single parent kids. How can I leave this out be see ? Jk... Even though I would like too
Well, not that it matters now, I did talk to her about the trial sep. with sep living situations. She agreed to give it a month or more for trial, and I explained that this is not only for me, but more for her.
I can guarantee you, SHE did not see it this way. She sees this as you supplicating, and pursuing.
You need to convey more of a sense of "I'm not sure WHAT I want . . . maybe you're right . . ." -- a la Gucci's advice.
In my opinion. But I guess I'm just a little frustrated tonite that people keep asking for advice, and then they can't even wait an hour or two before reacting.
Damn, after checking in on JR's sitch, Pup, I need you and Gucci helping me here. That was an eye opener. I am on the wrong path man. I thought I bad some progress going, but I am not feeling it so much now. I do know that W is going to need to find aplce of her own, we are moving toward as much as it hurts, but she is going to need to miss the family part of her life to wake up.
