Mother's Day Disaster

[Andabelle]

You are a distinguished graduate. OW is still a homewrecking whore.

[TRUSTING]

I am so sorry. What a mess he made out of a already messed up life. What do you feel your next step is?

[Walking]

Oh Allison - I am so sorry.

I've been thinking of you a lot and wondering what was up. I didn't in my wildest dreams imagine you'd be going through this though.

Girl I know it hurts now, but you will be the one laughing in 5 years time when you are settled down with a loving partner, enjoying your middle years together and your H will be running around after a pre-schooler. Who would you rather be?

Your kids will be OK. In some ways it may be good for them (I'm not sure how, but I reckon everything has lessons in it we need to learn).

It's a bit of a shocker it's happened while he's not even divorced though? I wonder if it were a "surprise" or an "accident".

Allison, you are a good woman and you have a bright future - you just have to believe that.

Thinking of you.

Take care, Virginia

[BeingMe]

Your H is such a dufus! I mean, how old is he, and he wants to go through the whole waking up in the middle of the night and nappies again. If it weren't for the kids (especially D14), I would laugh at his stupendous foolishness. D14 will probably be more clingy with him, fearing a loss of his love to the baby.

I agree with Walking that you will be laughing at him 5 years down the road --- your kids will all be adults and past all the teen angst while he will be worrying about taking care of a pre-schooler and perhaps another child. You are an intelligent, beautiful woman who just needs to get past this D and get on with your life. Let it go and move on. Believe that your life will be awesome.

Take care.

[ACJ]

Thank you everyone. You all know how much your support means to me.

I think I am particularly upset because I always wanted a 4th child and H wouldn't entertain it. When he first left he told me again and again he didn't want anymore children and I even remember saying to him that if he kept dating much younger women eventually it would happen anyway.

Apparently D14 said to him 'You aren't even D from my mum yet' and his reply was 'I've been trying'. It's him that has been stalling on the D since February. If he had just signed everything then we would be D now.

All of his 'bomb's have had consequences at Christmas and this one is no exception. I guess their trip away for his birthday in March this year will be memorable for more reasons tham one.

I'm a total mess tihs morning. I can't not go to work as I've got to give a big presentation this afternoon. I look like I've gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson but that won't have to matter

[Andabelle]

A baby?! Beep beep! Here comes a HUGE dose of reality to intrude on his little MLC fantasy. I agree with the others, all will not be beautiful in his little love nest (already crowded with teenagers)... I bet you anything it was not planned (by him, anyway). Your kids are gonna run home to you so fast it will make his head spin once he tries to impose babysitting duty on them...

[BeingMe]

Oh grief, yes. My D29 would've loved to have had somewhere else to go other than to babysit our little ones when she was a teen (she is 7 yrs older than the twins and 12 yrs older than the youngest), but she had nowhere to run. Hahaha!

Well, who knows how they will react and how things will turn out. The important thing is that you, ACJ, be a safe place for your kids to fall, and to move on with your life. It surely is too short to muck about with worrying about things you have no control over (even your children since they are old enough now to choose where they want to live and I beg you to be okay with it before the sitch eats you up). It's no reflection on you as a mother, but their fear of losing their father. They know you are there, but not so sure about their dad so they cling (and, of course, who knows what he is saying to them to get them to do so). But, that is not your concern ---- take control of your own life and take it one day at a time ---- that is all we have really. Yesterday is gone --- no going back. Tomorrow is yet to be, so you can only influence it to a degree (make plans, appointments, etc.), but there are so many variables that it is impossible to know how it will turn out. Today we can work with.

Take care of yourself.

[ACJ]

thanks Andabelle and BM.

My S16 will sit his next lot of exams just a couple of weeks or so after this baby is born. It won't be easy for him to study under those conditions. By the time he does his final exams towards his A levels next summer things will probably be even worse.

On a practical level on the weeks when D14 is there they will have nowhere to either put her or a baby. I understand from D14 that the room she occupies when she is there is barely big enough for a bed let alone a cot as well.

BM you are right about the children and thier insecurity about thier father. However it's hurting like hell that he has broken their hearts for a second time and yet right here and now they are still choosing to play 'happy families' with him and OW. That doesn't make me feel very important in thier life when they know how much I am hurting too. As I type they are at the cinema with H. Due to having to pay H maintenace for S16 I can't afford to do those sort of things with them anymore.

To add insult to injury I spoke to my L this moring to tell her the 'latest instalment'. She also had news for me. Despite Hs L advising him otherwise he is still refusing to accept the agreement we made last October in relation to me buying him out of the hose. So now I definately face a court case. I don't have that money and I don't know where I'm goig to get it from.

[BeingMe]

I do have some good news though. I passed my degree with a distinction and graduate on Friday. Also I got an article approved for publication in the professional press and it will appear in Saturday's edition. I just wish I had someone special to share all of this with.

Congratulations! Don't worry about the future. You just don't know what will happen. Your special someone could walk into your life tomorrow. And, S16 may be in your house when he has to study. Ya just never know what the future holds.

As for the legal fees --- since your H won't sign, perhaps he can be held responsible for court fees and such?

Okay ACJ, I'm going to hit you with a rather large 2x4 --- sorry! It is just my opinion, and I may be completely wrong, but from some of your posts, it feels like you hold your children responsible (or, at least, partially) for your happiness or lack thereof. They shouldn't even know how hurt you are. It's none of their business. Rather, be sure to let them know that you're okay. It feels like you put them through a guilt trip if they're not accommodating your pain. It's not fair on them. So! You gots to use DB'ing with them too. Make your house the greener grass.

When you're around them ---- be cheerful and happy to see them (which I'm sure you do, but don't mention any negative feelings you may have as well). Try and even be goofy and don't be afraid of making fun of yourself. Tell funny stories about when you were younger (well, my kids like that sort of thing).

Make your home attractive to them ---- set up a teen room where they can entertain their friends ---- set up a dart board, stereo, games, Wii, DDR (Dance Dance Revolution which my youngest daughter loved during her 12-14 yr old period), dvd player, kareoke, computer, or whatever they enjoy playing, etc. (you probably have some of these things anyway, but try and put it in one room, with couches and tables where they can put their feet up and not be afraid to mess on).

Instead of going to the movies, perhaps you could invite your kids to a movie night at home with friends, so that you could introduce the new hang-out room. Don't say anything about it, just let them hang out. Don't make it too obvious or too important. If you do comment, just say that you want them to be comfy in your home, and you want them to have fun when they're there, since it seems as if S16 isn't coming back (unless this works) and D14 only spends half her time there.

Whatever you do, don't let them feel bribed.

So, now I have 'reorganized' your life, I just want you to know that I realise I am assuming a lot here. Please don't be cross with me. I say all this with much love. I am just telling you what worked for us during our kids' teen years. Our house was always full of their friends 'cause our house was the fun place to be (on purpose). Yet, things were always out in the open so I could keep a surreptitious eye on them. I always had snacks and soda, etc. If any kid got out of hand, I would act really disappointed (i.e. "geesh, dude, I'm really sorry, but that's not cool, so I gotta let ya go home.").

No harm in trying it. Think about it. And, if the kids aren't there, you can play with the stuff yourself. I particularly like the Wii Fit.

[TRUSTING]

I could not agree more with the comment about " a dose of reality". Do you think a MLC man is happy expecting another child? No way. Talk about stress, killing the mood, killing the fun.......