I am never coming back !!!!!!!!

[25yearsmlc]

Irmac

FWIW, I never said you (or anyone I know) were a Christian fanatic. Who mocked your beliefs? Not me. And btw I am a believer. And I would never tell someone "it's hopeless," b/c who am I to say, even if it were to look as if only a miracle could save you, that it wouldn't? (My mil has terminal cancer and had 6-8 months to live and we are now on our 20th month. We know she isn't "cured" but still.... My h is an MD but at one point he said, "I know only 2% of the patients with her cancer live, and I know it'll take a miracle... But why NOT my mom?"
I sure didn't argue with that. Why not indeed?)

Look at MY timeline if you think i'm telling you that you are too patient or a doormat. For pete's sake, did you see my signature blocks and dates? Lots of people advised me to do lots of things, and All meant well.

For me, talking to a db coach was the single best thing I did, though God knows I did many things. (They seem expensive and are, but were actually cheaper per hour, than the t's in my area, fwiw. And considering what was at stake, I figured there wasn't a better way for me to spend my/h's money).

But the best advice I got is what I tried to pass on to you,[b] Which was to GAL and move on, which did not mean quit, (though yes, in time, maybe it would come to mean that??)[/b]

To me It meant to live without that "waiting for h/putting things/life on hold" feeling. And in some ways, I did truly move on, and I sure did GAL, and in some ways that probably IS what woke my h up.

But So was a forgiving attitude, which was confusing at first (took lots of reading to understand what 'forgiveness' means and how it frees us, without any condonation of the behavior that was so destructive) and a forgiving attitude still took an enormous amount of work and is still a work in progress even now. It's not a lightning bolt, or wasn't for me anyhow. But If you (or any LBSer) make it too hard for the WAS to return, then the WAS won't think they'll have a chance to reconcile anyhow. They'd rather give up "and start fresh", than really try to repair/rebuild, if it's just going to be too hard. I am NOT suggesting that you are doing this by any means...just saying in general this is what I learned...and

In the words of a wonderful DB coach I had, I can sum up my beliefs about DBing, which worked for me, btw, with this:

1) GAL for real;
2) MOVE FORWARD as if h won't be back --does not necessarily mean date and did not mean date at all for ME; AND
3) as for the WAS....Keep the Road Home Paved and Smooth.
[/b] Make sense?

I also never said you were stupid. I haven't told anyone they're stupid.

I just wanted to make sure you weren't about to short change your d, financially or otherwise, in the hope that somehow it'd get your h back. Is that such an unreasonable concern? (Sorry if It offended you. It has happened in some situations including one of my own sisters, and your h DID fail to pay CS and DID FAIL to answer your simple request for an explanation. I feel as if you are transferring some anger onto me that doesn't belong on me, but maybe I'm doing the mind reading thing too...wth? It happens.) Also to clarify, or for the record, etc, you have a son and a daughter, correct? The son is older?


Anyhow-You talk of "Standing" and the thing is, I don't know what you exactly mean. Not filing? Okay.
I maintain that what one teaches our children is not simply "M is forever so don't file for div no matter what"...Even with that, yes, even WITH THAT, I submit there are other things here to learn and teach, like Surviving heartbreak, and Taking charge of our happiness, And being the author of our lives. Imagine if your life were a novel/ book and you were reading it now, who would be writing yours? How's it going? How will the next chapter go and how will the book end?

(I hope this does Not offend you. These are simpe motivational comments that helped ME in my sitch, which I once considered hopeless. I think I even saw it on Oprah...Not meant to offend)

I'm sure you'll figure all these things out. But you did seem as if you wanted more feedback here. Now I feel as if you are angry that the feedback was not what you wanted, and so you put a pretty negative spin on my intentions. Is it possible that what you want is validation of all your tactics/approaches? b/c we can all say "STAND" til we're blue in the face. AT some point, we have to ask, "is this working?"

And if not, it doesn't necessarily mean you stop standing. Not at all. But it MAY mean you need to do something different.

Good luck,
J-