You rebelled - did your spouse just let you rebel and give you time to deal with it, ie. "space", what specifically got you to change your mind to thinking you wanted to be married again? What actions did he do specifically that changed your mind about rebelling and changed your mind to believe that the marriage was worth it?
This question has a HUGE answer but the thumbnail sketch:
To be clear - I did not leave my H as an act of rebellion. I had "potty mouth"(as Puppy says) as a form of rebellion - the 'good girl' thing I referred to earlier. I left b/c I was hurting and being hurt - not to rebel. I came home b/c my H is a DB Iron Man (haha). No seriously --- he made changes that addressed the issues I was cussing about as I walked out of the door. When I got to the point that I believed I could trust the changes I saw, I came home.
I still cuss when I want to.
You regained trust in your husband because he made changes that addressed the issues you had problems with. Were they small changes/big changes? Was it about helping more around the house (maybe i'm blind but I don't ever this as being a dealbreaker), was it about him listening more and talking less (communication issue), was it about emotional support and if so specifically what kind of emotional support, was it an attraction issue: he let himself go and you felt like you were settling?
Yes I'm nosey but you are giving us gold here, it's very good stuff.
You regained trust in your husband because he made changes that addressed the issues you had problems with.
Correct.
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Were they small changes/big changes?
Yes. Haha! There were small things I witnessed which indicated big internal changes for him. It wasn't easy to trust what I was seeing at first b/c many of these small changes can be EASILY faked (guys seem to like "Play Books" ), so I looked for consistency...that's when I dared myself to trust him. Things like eye contact when we were talking to each other. Not yelling at me or getting tone when he didn't understand me the first time I said something - but asking me to say it another way so he could understand. Not interrupting me. Getting his full attention in a conversation.
These are sort of physical manifestations of internal changes for him. These things communicated important things to me: You matter. I want to understand and see you better. You are worth listening to. You have valuable contributions and input that I don't want to miss.
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Was it about helping more around the house (maybe i'm blind but I don't ever this as being a dealbreaker)
YES, it was about helping around the house. Here's why. I had been home from day one with our children. I started a career very late - and by choice. No issue there. But when I did begin to work outside of our home, I expected the same household support from him that I voluntarily gave to him - b/c my career aspirations and efforts are AS important as his have always been.
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was it about him listening more and talking less (communication issue),
Listening and the exchange of ideas. I LONGED for that engagement - to know that my thoughts and ideas are valuable to him. No self esteem problems here - I know what I have to offer the world. Problem was, my beloved wasn't taking notice of it. DANGEROUS!
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was it about emotional support and if so specifically what kind of emotional support
,
I never really knew if he had my back - make sense? He did and I know it now but that's b/c now...he tells me. Recently he told me "You're family." I had such an emotional reaction to that b/c in our lives together BUILDING our family, he'd never communicated to me that I, too, COUNT as family.
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was it an attraction issue: he let himself go and you felt like you were settling?
Nope. He's hot. But without all of those other MILLION DOLLAR CONNECTION ITEMS listed above, the physical attraction matters not a bit.
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Yes I'm nosey but you are giving us gold here, it's very good stuff.
Thank you for the opportunity. Good therapy for me to revisit it. And if it helps anyone, that's even better.
I'm nothing if not FAIR. WE made our marriage what it was at the moment I left the house. Coming home meant facing changes I needed to make, too.
Cheers~~~
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
This post is very interesting - I see so many thing going on with me now that mirror it. I have been listening more/talking less, giving my full attention, helping more little things around the house, etc. all without asking for anything back. I hope my W is quietly observing and filing this away, and what happened with you happens to us down the road.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
You regained trust in your husband because he made changes that addressed the issues you had problems with. Were they small changes/big changes? Was it about helping more around the house (maybe i'm blind but I don't ever this as being a dealbreaker), was it about him listening more and talking less (communication issue), was it about emotional support and if so specifically what kind of emotional support, was it an attraction issue: he let himself go and you felt like you were settling?
Yes I'm nosey but you are giving us gold here, it's very good stuff.
Geez, Rob, what are you, on a mission from God or something??
Mrs. Torantino's house
Jake: Mrs. Toronto? Mrs. Torantino: Torantino. Jake: Ma'am, do you have a Thomas Malone or Louis Marini living here? Mrs. Torantino: Not any more they moved out a long time ago. I don't take in borders, not for a long time. Jake: Did they leave a forwarding address? A phone number? Mrs. Torantino: No. Elwood: Did they live quietly? What were there personal habits? Mrs. Torantino: They were good boys, but they made a lot of racket at night. Are you the police? Elwood: No ma'am. We're musicians.
You regained trust in your husband because he made changes that addressed the issues you had problems with. Were they small changes/big changes? Was it about helping more around the house (maybe i'm blind but I don't ever this as being a dealbreaker), was it about him listening more and talking less (communication issue), was it about emotional support and if so specifically what kind of emotional support, was it an attraction issue: he let himself go and you felt like you were settling?
Yes I'm nosey but you are giving us gold here, it's very good stuff.
Geez, Rob, what are you, on a mission from God or something??
Mrs. Torantino's house
Jake: Mrs. Toronto? Mrs. Torantino: Torantino. Jake: Ma'am, do you have a Thomas Malone or Louis Marini living here? Mrs. Torantino: Not any more they moved out a long time ago. I don't take in borders, not for a long time. Jake: Did they leave a forwarding address? A phone number? Mrs. Torantino: No. Elwood: Did they live quietly? What were there personal habits? Mrs. Torantino: They were good boys, but they made a lot of racket at night. Are you the police? Elwood: No ma'am. We're musicians.
Hey Puppy, mission from God, good one ;-)
I am on a mission, not sure it's from God though (he may nudge me in a direction from time to time and give me thought bubbles of clarity from time to time), I think he has given me enough control of my life so that I will always remember to be personally responsible for it - that way I can't go blaming him when things go bad. I think more people should remember that in times of crisis regardless if it affects you personally or others in general. Free will & personal choice is where it's at.
I will say that I always find the insights from WAW's that have graciously posted on this forum (Greek, Sandi and a list of others) to be very valuable. We have our half of the equation to deal with but a peek inside the mind of a WAW in a similar situation can't hurt and usually helps us understand our efforts alot more.
I've said it before Puppy, your stuff is the $hit too, keep on posting, I love reading your posts of wisdom.
How come not any WAHs post here? Just wondering...
Kalni, That is a great question. I think part of it is the same reason men won't ask for directions when they are lost - pride, ego, want to be in charge/control (or appear that way) and we don't like to admit a mistake or ask for forgiveness. Seen as a sign of weakness (pride). It was very humbling for me to start posting here. I thought I'll never even get to 100 posts before I get this fixed. It is a very good observation. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Puppy, I almost explained it myself but thought I would come across as ...sexist you call it? (which I am not btw) Your explanation is pretty good for me though K
PS My H writes for a living and is successful at it, but then again, 99% of the readers are men ...
), so I looked for consistency...that's when I dared myself to trust him. Things like eye contact when we were talking to each other. Not yelling at me or getting tone when he didn't understand me the first time I said something - but asking me to say it another way so he could understand. Not interrupting me. Getting his full attention in a conversation. 
