Trying to stay strong

[hopeful_cb]

Kara,
I can see parts of what I want in the options you outlined. I guess I know what I want at this point and bc I can't have it I begin to second guess my decisions and how to go about continuing on. You sound strong and clear in your post and break it down logically, I think I needed to see this.

I think I am struggling bc when this all started and H moved out 5 months ago(I cant believe its been that long!) the goal in my mind was that I wanted H to commit to trying with our M by July. The time has come and will now go. I feel the pressure of my hope. And I feel the pressure of everyone else wanting me to 'feel better' and ease my pain by moving on. They dont understand why I am committed to my actions but I have to try and stay strong and true to myself. How much is it worth to me? A lot. I think when/if the time comes I will know when it is right (as you said). But in the long run 5 months is not as long as it seems, not compared to life (right?) and I know others have fought for much longer. I pray every day for strength and patience and guidance among other things. I have gotten so much better at these but still struggle often.

One thing I know for sure is that I am not ready to go out and file for D myself. There must be reasons he doesnt want to either eventho he lives in the land of confusion. Including some of the reasons you listed(i can see them fitting). If he does, then I will deal with it, its out of my control if he chooses that. I'm sure I can handle it, even if I dont like it.

That's not how it works. Someone needs to get them a play book.

I so wish this could happen. I'd even gladly deliver it

I think you are right in that the NC does spark interest, as has happened this week. I guess my worry is how to play this out. He's interested and wants to meet, I want to but it seems to begin this cycle all over again. Maybe there is more happening that I can't see right now. Possibly the talks and time we spend together are moving us closer? Possibly not, I guess time will tell.

What does your inner voice tell you it is time to do?

Well its hard to tell sometimes bc it feels so weak. Right now it says dont file, work on building R and growing in the time we do spend together. But as soon as I've said that I second guess myself and think am I being a fool? My fear is getting in the way.

Thank you for taking the time in posting back to me it really helps me to think things thru and see other points.