OK maybe I am just sensitive today. I am welcome to feedback and suggestions. Let me lay it out just for my own sake and tell me what I am missing if anything...
I have been reading a ton since this all started and I realize at some point in our 9 moves in 10 years, I gave up SO much of myself to support Dan I basically only had him for support/companionship. I stopped doing a lot of the hobbies I had before, didnt make friends since we were just going to move anyway, etc. But in my reading I realized I needed to recapture me. So instead of needing Dan to 'complete' me, this past year I have:
*Been running again, sporadically *Started karate lessons *Gotten my bike out and started riding it again *Gotten involved at church and volunteer *Go out on occasion with a few girls from work, not much but a start *Started golfing, bought my own clubs finally (H was a big time golfer when he had time) *Gotten a new job and become really attached to it (H said he had never seen me passionate about work before) *Started organizing my home like I always wanted but never did
Those are all things I have done for ME. For HIM, I have: *Supported all farm/cattle transactions, time away from home (when he moved back) to do cow stuff *Empathized with his need to be gone so much for work *Taught our son to ride his bike, even though Dan is the one who thought it was so important *Signed them up for swim lessons and am working on private lessons too so they can be good swimmers (another H desire but generally a good idea) *Continued to go to 90% of the family functions for HIS family, even going to several (his sister's baby's baptism, other sister's anniv. party) without him when he was out of town *I was paying his bills after he moved out from our joint account, until I decided enough was enough and opened my own account and gave him his bills *I have allowed him full access to our home and our kids, had him over for dinner, vacation together, etc etc
What have I asked HIM to do? *Stay faithful to me, including not going to strip clubs or using porn on business trips *Include me in his cattle plans/dreams so I am part of the team, then I will not feel the need to question things if I am "in the loop" *Spend alone time with me each week, doesn't have to be a date, could even be time after the kids are in bed before we go to sleep, when it is just him paying attention to me (this was when we were living together and he thought I was being too 'needy and demanding') *Forgive me for depending on him too much for everything in the past and treating his cattle enterprise like a hobby instead of a legitimate endeavor/dream
In a way, it almost seems like it would be a relief if you were to find that he has been cheating again when on these trips. The hanging in limbo takes a toll not just on you, but on the kids.
Sounds to me like he still is using you to blame why he is not coming back. Some of it may be valid, but when push comes to shove - he is still broken (as Woog would say) and has little control of himself. I would almost bet that he still is addicted to porn. It is hard for a Zebra to change its spots.
Kerry I gave him information on "Every Man's Battle" workshop to deal with porn/prostitution/stripper/etc issues. He texted me that he did not read the information because he was pretty sure he wouldn't want to go. So on one hand he says he hates his life but then he doesn't want to change it, either!
Bbj, WCW's comments are valid. For OTHER PEOPLE, maybe myself included. But NOT you. At least not anymore. Please... remember, boundaries...
Did you find out where he was 2-3 weeks ago? Sorry, Dan is a piece of something, it's not you. The only thing anyone can blame you is enabling him to mess with you heart and soul and your kids... K
Thanks K. That is the thing. I do believe some of those things WERE valid for me, in the past. But now the only thing I think I am guilty of is being to accommodating and allowing him to have his cake and eat it, too.
I still don't know where he was when he said he was in Northern Missouri and I saw bank records that he was in Kansas City (ow town). I didn't bring it up b/c I had snooped in his bank statement (to find out his current income, but the other thing showed up) and he doesn't know I looked...
I am drawing up the boundary lines. Plan to let him know today that he needs to find somewhere else to entertain the kids and that 'family' outings will be limited to birthdays/holidays. It will suck SOOOO much for the kids b/c they are used to us doing so much together, but it is screwing with them at the same time...
Keeping the family afloat on a small share of his income, and I assume all of yours, while he keeps the lion's share of his income to himself.
Thanks Sara! That is true...
I appreciate your no-nonsense approach so much, but do you have any suggestions on how to soften it for the kids? My pastor had suggested I "take myself out of the equation", which means no more together stuff. But the kids are as accustomed to it as he is. How do I explain it to them?
I would have given him an earful when he wisecracked at me after being gone for a week. Does he really think all it takes to raise children is an occasional phone call and some sweet talk? Honestly, BBJ, as unhappy as my H and I were when the kids were young, there was nothing that would have let him abandon the family like yours has done. He is not that kind of man. I don't know how your husband faces himself in the mirror.
I'm serious, I would tell him if he can't speak respectfully to me in my home, he is not welcome to walk through the door. And I would tell the children the same thing. They hear him. They know what he says to you. He can't stop criticizing you, so no, he can't come in. And, you don't dignify him with your time. He takes the kids and goes, and he brings them back. They are your kids, BBJ. He is like a visiting uncle. Nothing more until he pulls his weight, which includes 1/2 of the paycheck (which I guess can be offset by the 1/2 of your paycheck that I assume he is not getting.) He ought to be bowing down at your feet and thanking you for the wonderful way you take care of the children without a father around. And instead he hurls abuse on you.
And stop going through that old stuff. It is just tearing at your insides. What you need is a nice man in your life. HE AIN"T IT!!!
I intend to tell him that I want him to start spending his time with the kids outside of the house, I just had no opportunity to do that yesterday, since he was with the kids and Nathan kept coming out of his bedroom.
BBJ
I think that this can't happen soon enough. Pray on it and then move on it as you feel He is leading you.
A cycle breaker has to happen.
You seem just way to composed with Dan. I realize the predominant reason is because inevitably the two little ones are almost always present.
Maybe I am reading it wrong and you are not always super composed around him but it kinda seems like you need to get that half-man alone and do whatever just naturally flows from you in terms of giving him a piece of your mind. But please dear be very very selective in making sure that you find the most gargantuan piece of your mind that you can and let it fly ...if the mood strikes of course.
I just have an inkling that with those lovely kids always insulating Dan from U that he never gets to hear what he really ought to be hearing from U.\
Hold nothing back. Create the time when you can have a "safe" tete a tete with him and let fly.
I know, being the kind of woman that you are (or I would like to think I do ..lol) that you will know just how to properly execute such a mission.
Take it up with our magnificent Lord and then carry it out.
