Running out of gas

[Jimbo]

Jimbo-
I've been looking over your threads and it seems we have similar situations. I'll be headed over to the MLC boards once this locks, or maybe earlier. It would be nice to hear from others in a similar situation.

Seems to me that we have VERY similar situations. I'm glad to hear that you'll be headed over to the MLC boards. I'm sure that there are lurkers over there, also, that could possibly be in the same boat as we are (and in just as much pain), that could benefit from our dialogue. But it won't do them much good if they can't find this thread because it's here instead!

My biggest fear is that she's completely disappear. She knows this is my fear and that it hits on some really old, core personal issues for me. When she originally moved out she commented on the disappearing thing. She said "In the past I would just move someplace new and start over. The fact that I haven't gone anywhere should tell you something." I don't know what it tells me, really. The filing strikes a panic chord in me, partly because of her history and partly because of my own wounds. Honestly, I think me moving away will give me some perspective on that.

I know where you're coming from. I have similar wounds. But it's really, really important to recognize, MW, that this would have still happened to our Ws even if we had never met them and were never in the picture.

This has NOTHING to do with us and EVERYTHING to do with their own personal mental housecleaning. YOU CAN NOT TAKE THIS PERSONALLY! IT DOES NOT REFLECT ON US BECAUSE IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH US! I can not stress this point to you enough.

Now is the time when she is "exploding". Except it's all in S-L-O-W M-O-T-I-O-N......

This is really helpful. I think part of my problem with this is my expectation of what the implosion should look like. It never occurred to me that this would happen slowly. I have to process that a little.

First key to riding this MLC roller coaster: abandon all expectations. Both good and bad. Our Ws can't begin to explain to us what they're going through, because THEY don't even know for themselves- so how can WE possibly be expected to figure out how this will go down for them?

It seems to us like all of this practically happened overnight. But to our Ws, this is something that has been developing under the surface for several years. It is only fair to expect that, since it took so long to develop, it might also take a long time to resolve, yes?

No doubt about it- this is a marathon, my friend, not a sprint.

I'm not sure I see this as an experiment on her part. My IC told me that people who are dealing with the MLC are stuck back at some event from earlier in life. I'll paraphrase what he said to me ... You, as the person closest to the person in crisis, represent all those past experiences she never dealt with. She can't see right that it isn't you that is really bothering her. You're too close. You just happened to be the catalyst for all of this pent up anger and frustration. She's rebelling, not against you specifically, but against the sum total of all these unresolved experiences. That has to be painful for her. I don't really have a point ... I just need to get that out.

Your IC has this nailed for the most part. By "experiment", I meant that she needs to go through this anger phase, so that she can recognize that the anger she feels is not because of you...it's because of her, and her inability to control her own actions. Now, that being said, my own personal philosophy is that you have two ways in which to deal with her "willfulness": you can show a little humility and comply with her wishes- let her call the shots- and demonstrate to her over time that, despite your full compliance with her wishes, she STILL isn't in any more control of her life than she was before...so you must not be the problem...

OR

You can flex your ego and engage in a battle of wills, fight her tooth and nail, and MAYBE get your way. And in the process, give her a legitimate excuse to peg you as the "baddie" she's trying to make you out as, and give her the excuse she needs to leave, guiltlessly.

I've been praying ALOT lately, which shouldn't be that big of a surprise but that is another thread. I'll just put this out there ... Anyway, the biggest thing I've come to realize is that I want to be there for her. Not that I want to help her through this, but that I know how bad it is to deal with stuff like this alone. I had been praying that she'd come back, or wake up, or ... pick your variation. Lately this has changed. I've been praying that whatever it is that has her pinned down will be released, even if that is me. Asking for a restoration ... a healing ... of her with Him, regardless of how it ends up with me. It's not up to me to make THAT happen. I've been reminding God that she is His. I just can't get that out of my head. Again ... I just need to get that out too.

Sometimes, the best way to help is to get the &*^% out of the way. They don't want us to be there for them right now. They want space to think and room to breathe. Give that gift.

When she is ready to let you in, she will come to you.