I've talked with her yesterday. long talk. I confronted her about the OM. didn't tell her I have pictures - told her that my friends were at the same cruise and recognized her with the guy matching OM description. she confirmed he was there and she took the pictures to show them to me in case she wants the D. 'as a leverage' - she knows I don't want D. she never admitted to sleeping at his place and I have to say I don't have any proof of that.
later we had a looong talk. about how I failed to show my support when she needed it. about how she can't forgive me that. about killing her feelings towards me. about her mistakes. I admitted to my mistakes again but told her that fixing requires 2 people willing to do even a tiny little bit. and that I can see she's not even trying to make it work. she said she loves me but doesn't feel the love towards me (or something like that). and that at this point she just doesn't want to try.
i told her I understand and that in this case I want to separate. that I'm just too exhausted sitting and waiting for miracle that won't happen. that I'm not going to be a doormat. and that I'm starting looking for a place to rent.
she changed her stance - said she can't imagine me not being in the house. that she's feeling sorry and she doesn't know if she's making right decision by not even trying. that she doesn't want to go through the hell of D, she doesn't want to fail herself, parents etc etc. she tried to hug me... I told her that doing it out of pity just doesn't cut it for me.
she said we're too tired to make any final decisions tonight and asked for another day to think about it. that at this point she doesn't want to fix things but tomorrow she may smack herself over the head and wake up. I guess she just doesn't know what she wants.
overall - lots of tears. hers and mine.
before I went to bed she asked if I'm coming back home after work. she insisted I should.
we spent the night closely hugging each other - didn't do it for 2 months I think.
in the morning today - she again asked me to come back home. I told her I don't believe that there's nothing between her and the OM. the reply was the same - 'please come back home after work'.
I've probably broken all possible rules of DBing. but something is different in me now - I'm calm. and it's not one of those emo roller coaster swings of calm. it's not the "resigned" calm either. I'm content with myself and the world that is surrounding me. I know I will make it. no matter if she's there or not. I can't remember feeling like this. ever.
and now a text message 'are you ok? I can't get my stuff togethere, can't work'
I'd appreciate experts opinion. do I reply? at 1st I wanted to answer with something like "I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I have no control over your emotions. I'll respect your decision". but now... I don't know.
So she sees you taking a stand and wanting to seperate, now she is scared. You be patient. Think thru your next steps.
Respond back: "Just saw your message, real busy. We can talk later."
Now back to thinking. What do you need from her so you know there is nothing going on with OM? Decide what you want.
You can handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
and now a text message 'are you ok? I can't get my stuff togethere, can't work'I'd appreciate experts opinion. do I reply?
Lost, how about a non-expert? I'd ignore it. Failing that, if you feel you must reply, I'd reply with, "I understand," and I'd wait a couple of hours to do so.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
actually the txt came in almost an hour ago. replied now but not that I was feeling "the need". got 'OK' within 2 seconds of my message sent.
how on earth do I set strict boundaries without making them sound like blunt, pushing demands? i'm trying to get in her shoes - she must be quite lost now.
how on earth do I set strict boundaries without making them sound like blunt, pushing demands?
Trust but verify. Boundaries show love for yourself and her. You let her know how you expect to be treated. You let her know how you will treat her. View it as a positive not a negative.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
The best way I can answer that is that if you make it about HER, they will come across as "demands" and being "controlling."
If you make them about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."
Example:
"I forbid you to see OM" = CONTROLLING
"I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY
"You need to check in with me every day, and give me your cellphone bill!" = CONTROLLING
"In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering your recent affair, I need to know that you're no longer talking or texting him by having the cellphone bill come to me for awhile" = BOUNDARY
"You can't talk to me that way!" = CONTROLLING
"I like ME too much to allow myself to be spoken to so disrespectfully. Please come back when you've calmed down, and we can talk further." = BOUNDARY
Make sense?
It's also HOW you say it. It should come across as something you HATE to have to even ASK for, and that you'll COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND if she doesn't feel she can do it, but hey -- this is what I need right now. Let me know."
looong talk yesterday. I've told her what I want/need in relationship. she understands now. when I took a stand and told her I'm ready to separate the day before... it totally wrecked her. She was very distressed yesterday.
Crying, shifting from nervous to calm. talking with her is like crawling through a minefield.
She wants to spend way more time in the coming weeks with me. Get close again. See if we can still be intimate towards each other. To see if it can still work... to see if we can be together. We're both so tired. Later she ended up analyzing what went wrong in our R. how did we grow so apart. Asked her to learn from the previous mistakes but look into the future. she sat there with a sad look on her face.
told her 'weeks' won't solve our problems. we can lay some base to fix them - but fixing them for real will be a long process.
i need sleep. trying to survive till the end of day in work.
