Hi optimist, my H also kept working with his first OW after the affair ended. I guess I found it hard at first but as I kept having proof that the affair wasn't restarting it became easier. I figured no matter where he goes to work there will be women anyways plus if he still wanted to keep seeing her, he could easily do so even if he wasn't working with her anymore, so as long as I could see that there was nothing else happening, I was able to relax. THere was also the problem of finances. We couldn't afford to loose his job at that time. Then again I also had some information from there, and I knew for sure that there was no contact with her unless it was job related and even in those cases he was avoiding her as much as possible. That was affair #1. He eventually got another position in there which got him even farther from where she was working and got different hours as well. Eventually he found another job and moved on. That was affair #1. Now with this last one things were quite different, since this ow was not about to take the word "end" in their affair, so whenever he tried to brake it off, she would keep going to his office and crying and even treatning to make a scene, so he had trouble staying there. Heck he had trouble ending it in the first place, making it like a yo-you now we're having an affair, now we're not, now we're doing it again... and so on. WIth this one I didn't ask him to quit, however he figured out that he wasn't going to be able to really end the affair without moving out, so he did it. WHich got us some problems with money again but at the same time it was nice of him to give that step. He was sweet too, when he told me why he had to quit, he explained that it was very awkward working there with her and he felt pressured to resart it, but also he was quiting because he missed being able to sleep with me, just sleeping holding onto me. Hey who knows, it possible was just more BS, but it felt good to hear it
I was a bit like you, I use to talk om my own time and place and like you I found out that asking him to find a time to talk about it was a good idea. Not at first, he just kept postponing it, but after a while he got the idea and prepared himself for a talk, instead of being caught in the middle of that kind of conversation without warning. WIsh you the best of luck Hugs nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
I am feeling rather down today. We watched TV last night and went to bed late but not to sleep... (or not immediately). This morning he woke up in a great mood and asking for breakfast, full of plans for the week. But when I asked him for a time to talk this week, he acted impatient and as I was leaving the house I saw the passenger seat in his car is in a different position that it was on Thu when we went to the movies.
I want to cry but I have to work. Did we move in together too soon?
I just left a horribly depressing post in poor Tal's thread.
Not so optimistic today...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
I want to cry but I have to work. Did we move in together too soon?
He's with YOU. Make him want to be there. Hopefully nothing is going on - and he may have had lunch during work with anyone. Don't assume anything at this point.
Thank you Jackie and dfb. I know I should not make ASSumptions, but it is very difficult sometimes.
My goals so far are simple. Whether they are realistic is another question: 1. OW will no longer work for him by Xmas (major must: a sine qua non) 2. He will keep me involved in his office (I have no intention of letting this happen again). 3. We will talk about each other feelings and plans (he is getting better at it: just last night he asked me to take him to the airport on Fri for a same day bussiness trip; before he would not have told me or just mention it at the last minute). 4. We will spend 15 hours a week together (no work, no kid, only fun): we are doing about 6-10 now which is a huge improvement 5. He will be able to tell me things he does not like without feeling he is letting me down (getting better).
What do you think? Suggestions are welcome.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
More fodder for my mental grindmill (or is it a windmill?): I just called him to the office to ask if he wanted to have lunch with me. OW answered the phone (as always). I was nice and friendly (ugh ) and asked to be put through. The call accidentally fell through. I called back and this time she put me through.
My H sounded harsh and upset; the conversation went like this: H: what's up? M: (upbeat) Just called to see if you want to come to lunch with me H: (very harshly) I don't know, I have to get out of here in a little while. I will call you when I do. M: (friendly but concerned) OK. Is something wrong? H: (impatient) What is wrong with you? M: (sweet) Nothing, you just sounded upset H: (dry) No, I just want to get out of here soon. Bye M: (firm)OK. Good bye (I hang up)
So now I think she was listening and he wanted to make her think things are bad between us. I have to add that she does not speak our language, so when we talk to each other on the phone all she can understand is his gestures and the tone of his voice. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Don't assume. Maybe he had to get out of there because he just had a fight with the OW. Maybe he has diarrhea and really badly needed to go to the bathroom. Maybe, maybe, maybe - I suggest you Act As IF his mood had nothing to do with you. Act, don't react. Pick out a really nice place for lunch and treat yourself. Go even if he doesn't call you back. Later he may wonder who you went to lunch with!
Hi Optimist, I had the same first reaction, I thought that maybe they had fought after she "dropped" your previous call. And for sure, as KML said, it could have been any number of reasons. Sometimes we wear ourselves out analyzing every possibility, and really there is no way to know. My friend was a WAW, and she said her husband was rarely right in guessing what she was thinking, and a lot of times he was guessing much more pessimistically or anxiously than what she was actually thinking. So don't wear yourself out fretting about it, it will be more interesting to see if he approaches you in the next couple of days. Hang in there! I don't think this is too big a deal.
Dear optimist, things are not always what they seem, so unless you have proof that something else happened try to remain calm. I made that mistake at the time we started working on our relationship after his first affair. He never took of the number of the ow from his cell phone. He just didn't call anymore. Deleting it, would mean taking a look at the instructions manual and that's a male no-no so it stayed there. I was free to check his calls and messages and sometimes I did. One night he picked me up from work and we stopped for a coffee before going home. I was talking to him and his cousin and at the same time trying to call his aunt on his cell and I absent mindedly went trough the phone book to call. I did make a call but the person answering was not his aunt. I was still doing two things at the same time - talking with them and on the phone - so I didn't really pay much attention and just redialed and was able to finally talk to his aunt. Later on, on checking his calls, I found out the he had called the ow. At least her number was right there on dialed calls. I was so furious!!!!!! I'm usually very calm and think twice before opening my mouth, but on that day I just exploded - in my own calm way though LOL. But I told him it couldnt' work like that with him still calling her and this and that. He was sounding more and more puzzled and ended up telling me he hadn't call her but he knew I wouldn't believe him anyway. After that he just retreated back to his defensive self and the evening turned sour. Well , guess what? I was the person who had called her. WHile I was trying to call his aunt, I had pressed the wrong key and ended up calling her.Not him. THe time matched perfectly and there was no other explanation. I felt so bad. Tried to explain to him what happened but it wasn't until we got home hours later that he let his defenses down again. What I'm saying is, sometimes there are legitimate reasons or different explanations for things that ring our alarm bells and we need to try and stay calm until we have all the facts.
AS for your goals they seem very reasonable. I really think it's a good idea that he keeps you involved at work. That was one of the problems with us as well. In his other jobs, people knew me. I used to pick him up, I was invited to lunches or dinners .. I was a real person for them. THere was never a problem then. However with both jobs where the affairs happened the situation was completely different. I was not a real person, not really, they didn't know me, whatever they knew about me would have to be trough his comments, they had never seen me. I found that did not create the problem in the first place, but added to it. With his first affair, once it was over I went to a wedding of a friend of his and coworker as well. I was hesitant because I knew that she might be going as well, but he did ask me to go, and I thought it wasn't the time to back off. It was the best thing I ever did. People were really nice to me and there were comments to him on why would he be going out with her when he had me at home. Some of his friends didn't feel like pretending they didn't know what had happened and some of the older ones even lectured him. All this because finally I was real. No the person that is at home and they never seen or talk to, but a real person that they met and talked to.
Time together is very important as well. We had a tendency to forget that 5 years ago. WE did make it a priority after the affair. And we tried to be able to go away for a weekend every once in a while, just the two of us.
Didn't go to the previous page before, was less up to date than I thought! But the car seat could be anything, too, or maybe OW is panicking and sensing she's losing him to you, dropping your phone calls and pressuring him for rides. Don't let conjecture get you down, you two have been making such progress!
) and asked to be put through. The call accidentally fell through. I called back and this time she put me through.
so it stayed there. I was free to check his calls and messages and sometimes I did. One night he picked me up from work and we stopped for a coffee before going home. I was talking to him and his cousin and at the same time trying to call his aunt on his cell and I absent mindedly went trough the phone book to call. I did make a call but the person answering was not his aunt. I was still doing two things at the same time - talking with them and on the phone - so I didn't really pay much attention and just redialed and was able to finally talk to his aunt. Later on, on checking his calls, I found out the he had called the ow. At least her number was right there on dialed calls. I was so furious!!!!!! I'm usually very calm and think twice before opening my mouth, but on that day I just exploded - in my own calm way though LOL. But I told him it couldnt' work like that with him still calling her and this and that. He was sounding more and more puzzled and ended up telling me he hadn't call her but he knew I wouldn't believe him anyway. After that he just retreated back to his defensive self and the evening turned sour. Well , guess what? I was the person who had called her. WHile I was trying to call his aunt, I had pressed the wrong key and ended up calling her.Not him. THe time matched perfectly and there was no other explanation. I felt so bad. Tried to explain to him what happened but it wasn't until we got home hours later that he let his defenses down again.