Separated and doing well...

[healthydad]

I mean really, from what I know, she doesn't actually click with S12 and besides, he's not her son.

Exactly right, Purple. She doesn't click with S12 at all - and, no, he's not her son.

I think she is trying to get you to see from her point of view that it will be really hard to let A spend the night with you.

I don't know...maybe....she still insists that S2 can't spend nights with me because she's having trouble weening him...he still sleeps with her, and nurses at night...

What if you don't actually commit to S spending time with her, but don't flat out say no?

That's more or less what I'm doing...i just don't feel like engaging in an unnecessary conversation with her.

How much time does S spend with his own mum and how often?

He lives with his mom during the school year - and spends all holidays with me. At the end of this summer he will be moving east for a year - and then he will be in Europe for a year. During that time apart - I plan to do a lot of rebuilding in my life...and plan on seeing him as often as possible while we're living apart. The plan is for him to come back and live with me through high school - until he goes to college. So after this summer, the next couple years will be rough...but I'm sure he'll get a lot out of it - and I hope to get my life back in order so that things are more comfortable by the time he's with me again.

[RefuseToLose]

Wow!

She's left the reservation, hasn't she?

It is interesting to see how the one who claimed she was being controlled is the one doing the controlling. The one who said she was verbally assaulted is the one on the verbal offensive.

Parallel lives again. You are the enemy b/c it is easier to blame you than it is to look inside at their own issues.

You did an excellent job of not letting her words allow you to rise to anger. You walked away. How did she react? By trying to suck you back in w/kindness the next time she contacted you.

I also understand how much $$ you've poured into everything as I too have found myself in financial ruin and staring bankruptcy in the face. It is real, but in hindsight, this was my choice to try and do all I could to save our M.

The only problem is it took me far too long and far too much $4$$ to realize that I was the only one who wanted to do any work in our relationship. I was the only one fighting and I was in fact fighting myself.

So, in looking back, I could have saved myself a ton of grief, energy and money if I'd have been able to clearly see the true person I was dealing with sooner. I continued to cover up for her behavior and it cost me. I wanted to see the good and believe and I lost big-time because of it.

You, my friend are doing the same thing. Don't feel badly about it b/c not only is it a wonderful opportunity to grow, change, and become better, but it is a true sign of your heart, your compassion, your committment and the type of man you truly are. You should be commended for your efforts and they will only help to make your life much more complete as you move ahead.

Now if we could only get someone to refund a bit of the spent funds, eh?

RTL

[healthydad]

Wow!

She's left the reservation, hasn't she?

Yup...she definitely seems to be off the rez...I can hardly even imagine having a conversation with her about anything at all anymore - which will eventually have to change - there's just no way to co-parent without some form of respectful communication. Part of the problem on my end is just that I don't trust her at all. I used to think she was the most honest person I knew, because she could not tell a lie - she just couldn't - but now it seems like all she can do is lie to herself about what's happened in her life and mine.

When she came to pick up S2 yesterday evening he was so upset, as she carried him down the stairs he kept reaching back over her shoulders saying, no mami, stay with papi, stay with papi. It was heartbreaking to see and hear - and it made me very sad for both of them. I know that, despite her surface and the venom she spews at me, it must hurt her deeply to hear S2 say those things...I know...because when my S12 was a baby he said stuff like that sometimes - once so vehemently and with such sadness in his voice, that I just let him stay with his mom instead of forcing him to come home with me...He was just about the same age as S2 when it happened...and it tore me apart.

Rob, I think it took me too long to realize the same things you mention - "that I was the only one who wanted to do any work in our relationship. I was the only one fighting and I was in fact fighting myself."

I've never been in this financial position before in my life - and I sometimes find myself staring at it and am so bewildered by it - that my mind literally freezes.

I was talking with S12 yesterday about my life - after he had made a comment about how weird it is to see so many bad things happen to one person, meaning me. He was talking about the end of my marriage, my broken ribs, the dishonest landlords, having to move and, most recently, a torn ACL - suffered while playing soccer this past Saturday. As we drove home from the airport last night, after dropping off a dear friend who visited us for the weekend, we talked about this some more....and I told him about an essay I had written as part of a college application.

The question was about what one would bring to campus to share with other students...and I wrote about one's capacity to endure - to know that even the worst of things can't last forever and that just as the best moments in life are ephemeral, so too are the darkest...I was writing about a mindset that got me through living with my abusive father for four years of high school - and I think it's a lesson that's served me well again and again - and that has helped me get through the worst year of my life.

I used to think my senior year of high school was the worst year of my life...had loads of stuff go wrong then...but then I left home, went to a college I loved, and found some peace...I've found a lot of peace since physically separating from B and especially since moving into my own place...now I just need to fin a way to have that peace contribute to finding more work...

As always, thanks so much for your insights, Rob. You reminded me of why I did what I did, and also that I can and will move ahead with a more complete life.

-Carlos.

[Gardener]

Healthydad,

...and I wrote about one's capacity to endure - to know that even the worst of things can't last forever and that just as the best moments in life are ephemeral, so too are the darkest...

Thanks for the reminder. At the worst moments when you (I) feel like there's nothing you can do. There is always that one thing we can do.
Endure.

[healthydad]

That's just it, isn't it Gardener? There's always that one thing we can do...the trick is sometimes just clearing up our heads and hearts enough to find it...that's where I am right now - working on staying open and hopeful. Right now, when I stare at my life, it sometimes feels kind of dire - but I know, I just know, that so long as I don't give up, I can do this...

Last night, as we got home from the airport and were walking to the door my S12 said, "I'm not worried about what's happening. I know that you'll make the right decisions about what's best for us. I trust you. I know you can handle it, even if no one else could." My eyes watered as he opened the front door...his words felt like a gift...

[Coach]

"I'm not worried about what's happening. I know that you'll make the right decisions about what's best for us. I trust you. I know you can handle it, even if no one else could."

That's a mountaintop experience in my book.

CHEERS!
Coach

[VeronicaV]

but I know, I just know, that so long as I don't give up, I can do this...

Hey Carlos,

You said all that needs saying for yourself, for me, for all of us on these boards. You sound extremely determined to succeed and that is really all it ever takes...even if the tree takes a while to bear fruit...

VV.

[RefuseToLose]

Carlos,

Your son's words were a gift indeed. He helped to validate your efforts and you the man. He sees you for you and he knows you will survive because fighting and not giving up is the right thing to do.

Your essay topic about "enduring" is excellent. Life is about enduring through the hard times and knowing they aren't permanent. We have been enduring the pain, confusion, frustration, and fear of our new realities.

Things can, will, and do get better in time. The key is to keep the faith and continue to get out of bed every day and be productive.

I'm working on two phrases to put on my mirror in my bathroom:

1) "Self-discipline = doing what you should do when you should do it regardless of how you feel about it at the time."
2) "The Good Lord woke you up for a reason today, so make the most of it."

Those have been helping me to keep putting one foot in front of the other these days. My dilemma isn't so much w/my X as we're on somewhat decent terms (although she's still uber-controlling and won't always respond or reply), but my stresses are w/my finances and my dog.

The dog is a health thing which I'm hoping is temporary, but the financial reality I'm in is pretty bleak. My battles w/myself to save my M and my family have destroyed me and for the short-run, I'm going to be in really bad financial shape.

However, like the Phoenix, I can and will be rising up from it all by the end of September at the latest, so there is a light at the end of the tunnely and it isn't an on-coming train.

So, as usual, I'm in complete understanding of your situation. I don't even need to repeat it, but it does me good to relate my stories and compare scars w/you, my brother.

Take care and sorry about the knee. Bummer. I had surgery a few years ago and am not still 100%. It sucks getting old b/c we just don't bounce back like we used to.

RTL

[AlexEN]

Last night, as we got home from the airport and were walking to the door my S12 said, "I'm not worried about what's happening. I know that you'll make the right decisions about what's best for us. I trust you. I know you can handle it, even if no one else could." My eyes watered as he opened the front door...his words felt like a gift...

Carlos,

That is so cool!

-AlexEN

[healthydad]

Coach:
It definitely felt like a mountaintop experience...I kept hearing his words in my mind throughout the day - reminding me of what I'm working toward.

Veronica:
That's another part of the secret, isn't it? Giving the tree time to bear fruit. Sometimes it's the impatience that harms us the most.

Rob:
I like what you've got on your mirror - in fact, since reading the first item when you posted it on your thread, I've had those words locked in my mind whenever I find myself stuck and not feeling up to what I have to do. At this point, I think things might start to pick up for me again by the end of August early September...though financially this has been the worst July I've ever had. Though I don't feel anger about it, I do have regrets that I put so much money into something that was so doomed to failure - it was just such an unhealthy way to cling to hope instead of accepting reality. What's the update on your dog?

Alex:
It's amazing what children can say...I'm very impressed with your older boy's plans - seems like a very healthy idea.

To borrow the quote from Coach:
"Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be." These words should be in the first page of any instruction manual for living.