SO, since it is hard to talk with the kids around should I set a time to tell him that he needs to have his own time and space with the kids without me? If I am not the one to initiate it, it will never happen. And I have a history of writing letters so putting it in writing won't be too effective. Think I need to tell him the new rules...?? Guidance please!
Home for just two days and he can't resist being abusive:
"He got defensive/mad and took his box of cards and the bible. He said, you can write all the cards in the world but I wanted support from you and instead I got nagging and questioning all my decisions" and he left."
I suppose keeping up the house, yard, and children while he is out of town or doing his own thing is not being supportive. He makes me angry just hearing about him. Blech.
SO, since it is hard to talk with the kids around should I set a time to tell him that he needs to have his own time and space with the kids without me? If I am not the one to initiate it, it will never happen. And I have a history of writing letters so putting it in writing won't be too effective. Think I need to tell him the new rules...?? Guidance please!
SO, since it is hard to talk with the kids around should I set a time to tell him that he needs to have his own time and space with the kids without me? If I am not the one to initiate it, it will never happen. And I have a history of writing letters so putting it in writing won't be too effective. Think I need to tell him the new rules...?? Guidance please!
How about locking the door so he can't come in?
That works for me but what about our kids? Just pushing them out on the front step when he shows up and locking the door behind them would be a bit traumatizing for them...that is why I was wanting him to know before he spent time with them again. But maybe I am just too soft...
Home for just two days and he can't resist being abusive:
"He got defensive/mad and took his box of cards and the bible. He said, you can write all the cards in the world but I wanted support from you and instead I got nagging and questioning all my decisions" and he left."
I suppose keeping up the house, yard, and children while he is out of town or doing his own thing is not being supportive. He makes me angry just hearing about him. Blech.
Hello, is this abusive or is this a man who is trying to tell his W how he feels? I've admitted before that I don't read every post on your thread BJ, but after backing up and reading more I see a W that is set in her ways and has a wall up that her H cannot penetrate. You are proceeding with controlling everything you can, including packing him out of the house. Why?
Your H is a highly motivated highly successful guy with a successful career that provides well. Yet in your eyes there is nothing he can do right for you or the kids. Even calling home after a long trip to see if he can help out by bringing food is met with your sarcastic thoughts. I know you didn't say that to him, but your mindset is very negative towards your H.
I know these threads get onesided and please excuse me for offering a different perspective. I offer this opinion because I was there too, when I posted I vented and vented about how horrible my H was to me. Once I posted that I couldn't even fill the coffee pot the right way. A good DB friend came back at me and said 'listen to your H, he is talking to you'. I am saying that to you BJ. If it's not too late, listen to what your H is trying to say to you. If I throw in a few hugs and sweeties will that soften the message?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I think seeing Nathan's C makes a lot of sense. I agree that the mixed signals Dan is sending are probably worse than the truth in black and white. Consistency is really important to kids (like you don't know that!)... even if it isn't what they want, they can adapt, if only things wouldn't keep changing on them!
Your writing about them just makes me want to hug them, even though I know it wouldn't help a bit!
BobbiJo - WCW has a very different perspective. And makes a very good point - have you gotten too critical now of your H and anything he does is over analyzed.
You may want to review some of Michelles excellent articles starting with this one...
Home for just two days and he can't resist being abusive:
"He got defensive/mad and took his box of cards and the bible. He said, you can write all the cards in the world but I wanted support from you and instead I got nagging and questioning all my decisions" and he left."
I suppose keeping up the house, yard, and children while he is out of town or doing his own thing is not being supportive. He makes me angry just hearing about him. Blech.
Hello, is this abusive or is this a man who is trying to tell his W how he feels? I've admitted before that I don't read every post on your thread BJ, but after backing up and reading more I see a W that is set in her ways and has a wall up that her H cannot penetrate. You are proceeding with controlling everything you can, including packing him out of the house. Why?
Your H is a highly motivated highly successful guy with a successful career that provides well. Yet in your eyes there is nothing he can do right for you or the kids. Even calling home after a long trip to see if he can help out by bringing food is met with your sarcastic thoughts. I know you didn't say that to him, but your mindset is very negative towards your H.
I know these threads get onesided and please excuse me for offering a different perspective. I offer this opinion because I was there too, when I posted I vented and vented about how horrible my H was to me. Once I posted that I couldn't even fill the coffee pot the right way. A good DB friend came back at me and said 'listen to your H, he is talking to you'. I am saying that to you BJ. If it's not too late, listen to what your H is trying to say to you. If I throw in a few hugs and sweeties will that soften the message?
WCW
I do hear you. Trust me I have NEVER put a wall up between me and my husband, and that is part of my problem at this point. I don't know how far back you have read, but my husband had an affair for 18 months, moved out of our home and took a job out of state. I then moved where he was (it is our hometown) so our kids could see him and I could have family support. He wanted to move back in and I let him. I went to Retrouvaille with him, we were journaling every day for awhile. Even then I admit I didn't fully own my part, but the whole time I acknowledged what he was saying about supporting him. I did question the money he was spending on tractors, cows, etc. because I considered the side business a partnership. He took it as me not respecting his judgement. I have told him in words and in letters that I own my part in things. I have not challenged him in TWO YEARS on any purchases he has made for the cattle business, in fact I have encouraged him. I chose to forgive him for the affair and for walking away from me the first time he moved out. Then he moved out again in January because I wanted him to spend time with me (he spent all his time on work/kids/cows and we had almost zero alone time) and I was too demanding apparently.
Since he moved out he has been over all the time. I have encouraged him on the cattle, empathized with how much his work demanded from him. Hell I even went over and mowed the grass at his soon-to-be new home when he was out of town for work! He has admitted I have changed but doesn't trust it will last. He told me last night I had only changed b/c he left and if he came back, I would change back...
So I read Boundaries in Marriage and at this time, I need to enforce boundaries. Having him over all the time with no intentions of coming back means my kids are seeing us together all the time enjoying each other's company and they are confused....it would be great if we were piecing before moving back in together but he has every intention of moving into his own home when it is done.
I don't know where you read that he can do nothing right for us. He works hard and makes a ton of money to provide us a home and food, bills paid, etc. He spends time with the kids when he is in town and they love their dad. The negative view I have comes in when he plays happy family and then takes off at bedtime and leaves me with the crying children. As far as bringing us dinner, that time has come and gone. Maybe it will come again if we are lucky. But right now he has moved out and has no intention of coming back, that he has expressed, anyway, so it is just giving him the family time he wants with no commitment.
Trust me I heard what he said. He doesn't believe my changes are 'real'. After two years of supporting pretty much every work or cattle-related decisions he has made, I don't know what else I can do...
In a way, it almost seems like it would be a relief if you were to find that he has been cheating again when on these trips. The hanging in limbo takes a toll not just on you, but on the kids.
Sounds to me like he still is using you to blame why he is not coming back. Some of it may be valid, but when push comes to shove - he is still broken (as Woog would say) and has little control of himself. I would almost bet that he still is addicted to porn. It is hard for a Zebra to change its spots.
