Your second question is easier -- YES, just keep continuing those things.
Ahh, the first one is tougher.
I think you have to wait for the right time, and that is when she says something like "Tell me what I have to do, I'll do anything to try to fix this!" As I said, I don't think she's there yet, and most of her pleas to you right now are just deflection.
If you truly think there is no more contact (and it would help if you had a way of verifying this), then I would just focus on getting her thru the "hard withdrawal" period that she's in right now. It usually takes anywhere from two weeks to two months (complete withdrawal takes 6 mos to as much as a year or two), and she's not going to be good for much else during this time other than just COPING. She's certainly not going to be able to meet any of your needs, and that would include you putting any sort of "conditions" or demands on her like going to Retrouvaille, in my opinion.
Hard withdrawal from a deeply entrenched EA/PA is an UGLY thing. All you can do is shelter your kids from it, don't put up with any flat-out rudeness or disrespect, and just VALIDATE her with the "I'm sorry you're in this pain" kind of statements.
Maybe some of the other FWAWs/AWAWs can also chime in here.
