Your second question is easier -- YES, just keep continuing those things.
Ahh, the first one is tougher.
I think you have to wait for the right time, and that is when she says something like "Tell me what I have to do, I'll do anything to try to fix this!" As I said, I don't think she's there yet, and most of her pleas to you right now are just deflection.
If you truly think there is no more contact (and it would help if you had a way of verifying this), then I would just focus on getting her thru the "hard withdrawal" period that she's in right now. It usually takes anywhere from two weeks to two months (complete withdrawal takes 6 mos to as much as a year or two), and she's not going to be good for much else during this time other than just COPING. She's certainly not going to be able to meet any of your needs, and that would include you putting any sort of "conditions" or demands on her like going to Retrouvaille, in my opinion.
Hard withdrawal from a deeply entrenched EA/PA is an UGLY thing. All you can do is shelter your kids from it, don't put up with any flat-out rudeness or disrespect, and just VALIDATE her with the "I'm sorry you're in this pain" kind of statements.
Maybe some of the other FWAWs/AWAWs can also chime in here.
Also, now that I am wearing my wedding ring again and sleeping in my bed...should I just continue with the changes I was working on during MC and be nice, upbeat, and friendly?
Yes
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Any thoughts on how I can present this in a way that would not come across to her as pressuring or forcing. I think the next Retrouvaille weekend is August 9th in my area.
First off, work a little on the validating skills. When she says things like, "I don't know if I can forgive" or "I don't know if I can heal my broken heart", I'd suggest you practice, "I can see how it would feel that way", or "I'm sorry you feel that way", or "I'm listening". I don't think saying, "let's try retrouvaille" out of the blue is going to be well received; she first needs to feel a little more safe talking to you. She might do that if you can talk without judgement or defensiveness. Look for an opening today, or casually ask how she's doing...then actually hear her out; this isn't a how ya doing in passing without waiting for a response. Give her your undivided attention if she actually does express her feelings.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Thanks, this helps. Yes, I'm very happy with the changes I've made. But, I do want to do more GAL stuff that makes me happy.
As far as the OM goes, I'm 99% sure there is no more contact. I do have some ways of verifiying this, but probably not 100%.
You are right Puppy. She has told me that she is "mourning" the loss of her PA/EA with this OM. But, she is getting to the point where she is angry that his wife doesn't know and he is not having to deal with all that we are going through including some of our friends knowing about the EA..not the PA part.
Today, she went to have lunch with her Dad in the same town that this guy is from (My W and he are went to high school together and reconnected on FB). She said she was sick to her stomach that she might bump into him at the gas station or McDonalds, etc.
Question:
If she isn't moving out or starting D...how do I handle my end...wait, start preparing myself for D, nothing????
Me 38 / W 37 M 14 yrs S 11/S8 First Bomb: 3/6/2009 EA Second Bomb: 6/4/2009 PA Same House Separate Rooms
If she isn't moving out or starting D...how do I handle my end...wait, start preparing myself for D, nothing????
You keep working on yourself. The less you focus on what she may or may not do, the better off you will be.
I think that time works differently for a WA/MLCer. What seems like an eternity to you is only about 20 minutes to them. Patience is going to be one of your most important tools.
she is getting to the point where she is angry that his wife doesn't know and he is not having to deal with all that we are going through
What do ya'll make of this? seems very important to me. SM
It shows me that she is still more concerned about OM's feelings (good or bad) than she is about her husband's.
Puppy
Maybe she views it as the OM is cake eating. She got busted and he (OM) has no consequences. Just not fair is it?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
