So my wife slept in guest room last night. I woke up and left at 6:30 for an early tee time (I did not let her know I had a golf game until this morning when I left).
She was taking the kids down to her Dads to have lunch with him because his birthday is tomorrow.
I do need to talk to her about getting a passport for our S11 because he is going out of the country with some friends of ours. Do you think it would be Ok to text her and see when she wants to meet to do the passport application or wait for her to call me?
Me 38 / W 37 M 14 yrs S 11/S8 First Bomb: 3/6/2009 EA Second Bomb: 6/4/2009 PA Same House Separate Rooms
So my wife slept in guest room last night. I woke up and left at 6:30 for an early tee time (I did not let her know I had a golf game until this morning when I left).
She was taking the kids down to her Dads to have lunch with him because his birthday is tomorrow.
I do need to talk to her about getting a passport for our S11 because he is going out of the country with some friends of ours. Do you think it would be Ok to text her and see when she wants to meet to do the passport application or wait for her to call me?
If it's regarding the kids, it's never wrong to call or contact.
Truly expressing sorrow for her actions usually indicates wanting to reconcile. And being willing to take steps to reconcile, such as being willing to go to MC or Retrouvaille. A Retrouvaille weekend could convince her that she can heal her broken heart. Check the website, www.helpourmarriage.org for more info. They are very successful at helping couples reconcile.
Long story but, we started MC (she and I both said we wanted to work on our marraige) after I found out about her EA on 3/06/2009. We went for about 4 weeks and she kept talking about a separation/divorce.
I got upset and said I would move out for a while to cool things off because we were having some pretty heated arguments and she kept saying how I was always "up under her". I stayed at my parents house for a week.
When I moved back our MC suggested separate bedrooms and I agreed to sleep downstairs to give her "space".
All this time I come to find out that the EA was actually a PA and she lied all the way through MC to me and the counselor saying it was over and just an EA. I found out the truth on 6/4/2009.
The day I found out I called the OM (who has a W and 2 young kids) and told him if he ever came near my wife or contacted her I would tell his wife and ruin his political career (he's from a small town). So, I'm pretty sure the OM cut all contact with my W.
She has not committed to the M and keeps saying she's 70%/80%/90%/100% sure she wants a D depending on the day. But, she hasn't taken any conrete steps-- moving out, filing, meeting with an Attorney.
So I have been living in limbo ince 6/4/2009. I originally told the MC that I wanted the marraige to work on would just be the best husband I could be until she made a decision.
But, I think I have been enabling her by not setting up bondaries and clearly communicating what I will and will not accept. I have always taken the approach that I just want her to be happy and have really taken on ownership of her issues, feelings, etc.
I know I haven't been the best husband but I have worked hard since we started MC to become a better person. In fact, she told me several times that I am now the kind of man that she would want to be married to and I will be a great H to my next wife. She just doesn't think she can forgive past hurts and doesn't know if she wants to work on the marriage.
Hope that helps
Me 38 / W 37 M 14 yrs S 11/S8 First Bomb: 3/6/2009 EA Second Bomb: 6/4/2009 PA Same House Separate Rooms
Yeah, the MCing wasn't going to work as long as she was still carrying on her affair. I'm sorry you had to get that news -- I know what a punch in the gut it is.
You two will have a LOT of work to do, but it definitely IS possible. Not to go back to the OLD marriage (because it sounds like it wasn't healthy for EITHER ONE of you), but to totally build a NEW marriage, from scratch. It can be done, and HAS been done, by tens of thousands of couples. You'll need a good, pro-marriage MC, tho, preferably one who specializes in infidelity issues, and you'll need BOTH of you to work at it, and absolutely 100% NO CONTACT between your wife and her OM.
I have said that there are different stages of "sorry." Right now, your wife sounds like she's still in the "sorry I got caught/sorry my affair is over" stage, and not yet in the TRULY sorry for the hurt she has caused her FAMILY stage.
Would she consider going to a Retrouvaille weekend with you?
Here is the problem with that - She tends to resisit anything that I suggest saying that I am pressuring her or forcing it.
Any thoughts on how I can present this in a way that would not come across to her as pressuring or forcing. I think the next Retrouvaille weekend is August 9th in my area.
Also, now that I am wearing my wedding ring again and sleeping in my bed...should I just continue with the changes I was working on during MC and be nice, upbeat, and friendly?
Me 38 / W 37 M 14 yrs S 11/S8 First Bomb: 3/6/2009 EA Second Bomb: 6/4/2009 PA Same House Separate Rooms
