Yup...she definitely seems to be off the rez...I can hardly even imagine having a conversation with her about anything at all anymore - which will eventually have to change - there's just no way to co-parent without some form of respectful communication. Part of the problem on my end is just that I don't trust her at all. I used to think she was the most honest person I knew, because she could not tell a lie - she just couldn't - but now it seems like all she can do is lie to herself about what's happened in her life and mine.
When she came to pick up S2 yesterday evening he was so upset, as she carried him down the stairs he kept reaching back over her shoulders saying, no mami, stay with papi, stay with papi. It was heartbreaking to see and hear - and it made me very sad for both of them. I know that, despite her surface and the venom she spews at me, it must hurt her deeply to hear S2 say those things...I know...because when my S12 was a baby he said stuff like that sometimes - once so vehemently and with such sadness in his voice, that I just let him stay with his mom instead of forcing him to come home with me...He was just about the same age as S2 when it happened...and it tore me apart.
Rob, I think it took me too long to realize the same things you mention - "that I was the only one who wanted to do any work in our relationship. I was the only one fighting and I was in fact fighting myself."
I've never been in this financial position before in my life - and I sometimes find myself staring at it and am so bewildered by it - that my mind literally freezes.
I was talking with S12 yesterday about my life - after he had made a comment about how weird it is to see so many bad things happen to one person, meaning me. He was talking about the end of my marriage, my broken ribs, the dishonest landlords, having to move and, most recently, a torn ACL - suffered while playing soccer this past Saturday. As we drove home from the airport last night, after dropping off a dear friend who visited us for the weekend, we talked about this some more....and I told him about an essay I had written as part of a college application.
The question was about what one would bring to campus to share with other students...and I wrote about one's capacity to endure - to know that even the worst of things can't last forever and that just as the best moments in life are ephemeral, so too are the darkest...I was writing about a mindset that got me through living with my abusive father for four years of high school - and I think it's a lesson that's served me well again and again - and that has helped me get through the worst year of my life.
I used to think my senior year of high school was the worst year of my life...had loads of stuff go wrong then...but then I left home, went to a college I loved, and found some peace...I've found a lot of peace since physically separating from B and especially since moving into my own place...now I just need to fin a way to have that peace contribute to finding more work...
As always, thanks so much for your insights, Rob. You reminded me of why I did what I did, and also that I can and will move ahead with a more complete life.
