Running out of gas

[Jimbo]

Jimbo-
I appreciate you checking up on me. I'm trying not to do anything monumentally stupid in this state of emotional turmoil.

No probs MW- us MLC LBSes have to stick together.

Just a couple of observations for you....

So now what do I do? Do I call her about anything? Do I just go about my business? Act like we've never met? With no kids, we don't have a reason to be around each other.

Not sure what to do with this ...

I know that you know the overt answer to this. Drop the rope and stop the pursuit. But I also think I'm reading between the lines of what else you're saying here. You're concerned that "no kids = no contact".

Yes, it's true. But only to a point. You will have opportunities to have contact, albeit few and far between. For my W and I, we had to have contact for the taxes, retitling the cars, credit cards, the quit claim deed on the house, and settling the bank accounts. Granted, a lot of these were by email, but on three occasions they required face-to-face interactions. I chose to approach these three occasions as opportunities to show her what she would miss should she choose to pursue the D. I didn't tell her... I showed her.

Don't be cold and aloof, but don't be clingy either. Be attentive and understanding. Be warm and courteous, gentle and kind. Show loving kindness to her, (as much as she will let you, anyway) despite that she may be acting like a $#!+. "Act as if."

The interactions add up. Think about how this sort of thing would work from your perspective- you have no contact with someone for a while, and then you do....and then you part again, for another long stint. When the nights get long and the walls start to fall in on you, and your mind thinks back to this person, what do you think of? If you're like me (and like most everyone else, I'd wager), you think back to the last time you saw them. And the time before that, and the time before that....

Don't concern yourself with quantity, as much as quality.

I'm mad that now I'm being treated like a total stranger. Worse, actually. Apparently she'd rather have nothing to do with me. I know somewhere in that foggy head of hers that it isn't really about me and that avoiding me is her way of escaping the horrific things she is doing. But, I'm still on the receiving end I have a hard time getting it. If she really wants to be gone, if this is what she wants, then it shouldn't be a big deal to talk with me.

....and yet she can't seem to bring herself to do this...hmmmmmmmmm.......

Our anniversary is on the 20th. Do I just ignore it?

Yes. If she has chosen the D route, then she needs to experience the consequences of her actions.

She now wants all correspondence to go through email. WTF? She's avoiding phone or text messages like I have some sort of fatal disease. In my head I'm thinking of telling her ... I will no longer respond by email. (or - i have blocked your email) If you have a question, call me. I get that this is about control for her. I should probably let it go. But I HATE, absolutely ABHOR, being told how things are gonna go. She gets everything on her terms. This has been her MO since she left. I get no say, she dictates all the terms. Am I just being vindictive? Do I just give her what she wants or do I fight her on it and make her do it my way?

MW- Have you ever had someone do something to you in your life that minorly irked you, and you decided to bite your tongue about it, because you didn't want to make a scene? Then it happens again, and you treat it the same way?

And again?

And again?

And again?

...and then you get to the point where this minor annoyance has built up into a MAJOR issue for you....

and you just EXPLODE?

...and you just don't give a damn anymore whether you hurt anybody or not...it's GOT to come out...and you have absolutely NO CONTROL over how your anger expresses itself?

She has a lot of stuff (emotions, past events, her reactions to them, etc.) that she has repressed over the years bubbling up to the surface from her subconscious. Previous to this time in her life, the only coping mechanism that she had was to shove it deep down into her psyche and "forget" about it.

Those chickens have come home to roost. Now is the time when she is "exploding". Except it's all in S-L-O-W M-O-T-I-O-N......

She knows what she is doing is wrong- just like, while we're in the middle of doing it, we know that blasting that irksome person is wrong and hurtful - but we HAVE to do it anyway.

And so does she.

But since this is in slow motion for her, she has to confront what she is doing every single day of her life, knowing that it's wrong...

...and having no choice in the matter.

If you were in her shoes...if you were trying to gain some degree of control over your life...if you felt like your world was spinning out of control, and you would do ANYTHING to make it stop...what would you do?

All of the controlling behavior is just her trying to get her world back in control. Since she has no other coping mechanism (because she's been avoiding her issues all along), she is grasping at straws. One of those straws is to try to control her environment. But controlling her environment doesn't address her issues. It's a dead end. She will learn this lesson EVENTUALLY.

You may see it differently, but I look at it as experimentation on her part. My W is doing the exact same thing, and I see no need to try to fight or control her- after all, even if I could control her actions (which I can't), if she IS going to D me, what control would I have over her after that anyway?

She is going to do whatever she feels she needs to do.

Let her conduct the experiment. The Universe will make sure she learns the lessons she needs to learn.

Trust it to do its job.

Let go. Let God.