I've talked with her yesterday. long talk. I confronted her about the OM. didn't tell her I have pictures - told her that my friends were at the same cruise and recognized her with the guy matching OM description. she confirmed he was there and she took the pictures to show them to me in case she wants the D. 'as a leverage' - she knows I don't want D. she never admitted to sleeping at his place and I have to say I don't have any proof of that.
later we had a looong talk. about how I failed to show my support when she needed it. about how she can't forgive me that. about killing her feelings towards me. about her mistakes. I admitted to my mistakes again but told her that fixing requires 2 people willing to do even a tiny little bit. and that I can see she's not even trying to make it work. she said she loves me but doesn't feel the love towards me (or something like that). and that at this point she just doesn't want to try.
i told her I understand and that in this case I want to separate. that I'm just too exhausted sitting and waiting for miracle that won't happen. that I'm not going to be a doormat. and that I'm starting looking for a place to rent.
she changed her stance - said she can't imagine me not being in the house. that she's feeling sorry and she doesn't know if she's making right decision by not even trying. that she doesn't want to go through the hell of D, she doesn't want to fail herself, parents etc etc. she tried to hug me... I told her that doing it out of pity just doesn't cut it for me.
she said we're too tired to make any final decisions tonight and asked for another day to think about it. that at this point she doesn't want to fix things but tomorrow she may smack herself over the head and wake up. I guess she just doesn't know what she wants.
overall - lots of tears. hers and mine.
before I went to bed she asked if I'm coming back home after work. she insisted I should.
we spent the night closely hugging each other - didn't do it for 2 months I think.
in the morning today - she again asked me to come back home. I told her I don't believe that there's nothing between her and the OM. the reply was the same - 'please come back home after work'.
I've probably broken all possible rules of DBing. but something is different in me now - I'm calm. and it's not one of those emo roller coaster swings of calm. it's not the "resigned" calm either. I'm content with myself and the world that is surrounding me. I know I will make it. no matter if she's there or not. I can't remember feeling like this. ever.
