I came to this website looking for advice too. I feel presumptuous dispensing it. I guess there are a lot of people that will try, in their own way, to help you on this blog. Just remember that they are not experts (they are all flailing like you and me) and take everything with a grain of salt.
However, there is a school of thought here that has begun to help me after three or four days of blogging. Maybe the stars are finally aligning in my head, but posting does seem to help.
Based on your earlier posts, you have a lot of stress factors in your life in addition to the divorce: history of drugs, no full time job, no place to live in about a month.
In a lot of ways, this is probably going get worse before it gets better in terms of the pressures that you will face. I thought that I had problems in my break up, but they pale in comparison to yours. I would recommend that you get a professional counselor of your own for your own sake. It is going to be very tough to get through this period without an experienced, regular, and predictable sounding board. It may be expensive, but, if you have a health plan, most of it will be covered.
Everyone of this site is a fan of Divorce Busting and/or Divorce Remedy. I have only read the latter. It does make sense to me in several ways. By the way, I am not a shill for this website or the author.
I guess that, if you have proof positive that there is an affair going on, you have to decide whether or not you are going to accept her behavior. You don't need forensic evidence; common sense (not guesswork) should tell you what's really going on. She sounds like she has abandoned the marital bed, and she has abandoned her children to pursue the affair. She has really crapped on you. It's okay to be angry. I'd really be PO'ed in your situation.
The premise of the books appears to be that you can only control yourself, and you cannot control your spouse. Your spouse has to wake up, smell the coffee, and want to be with you. Before she gets to that point, she sounds like she has a very, very, very, very, very (is that enough "very's") long way to go.
If I were in your shoes, I would probably be talking to a lawyer to sort out a separation. You can always decide to forgive her, accept the affair for what it is, and reconcile if she changes her behavior down the road, but you are going to remain her doormat until you set some well-defined limits. She does not sound like she repsects you, and she does not sound like she is in a place where she is even aware of your efforts to improve, let alone truly acknowledge them. You sound sincere and desperate, and I know the feeling of helplessness that you are experiencing (this is my second divorce).
I'd draw a line in the sand, get an attorney, and ask her to move out and leave the kids. You can still try to be amicable and not get hateful even if you end up getting a divorce. If things change, you can always forgive and do counselling together down the road, but she is not acting like she is married to you anymore.
This may be heresy, but...
I wish you luck. I've got to get some shut-eye.
M 57 W 52 Married 12, Together 14 No kids by this marriage 2nd marriage for both
Thanks fellow Wahoo. That is actually some very good advice andeven though I hope she isn't that VERY far off, I'd better prepare myself as if she is. She is certainly acting like we are divorced. So, today I stop being a repentent doormat and start standing up to this madness. I am beginning to realize that she has alot of reponsibility for this mess too, AND she is the one who left for OM, so...if she thinks she can just jump from my bed to his she will have to support me and the kids until I can. Thanks for your help. How do I make you a buddy?
Separated 40 y.o. man who blames himself for his WAW and hopes to reunite and repair relationship and family.
Good for you finding your strength. I would tend to agree that you are better off taking the offensive. If you've sincerely apologized and expressed that you'll change, then there is no sense continuing down that path. If she initiates a R talk, then you can apologize for your failures then, but at this stage it's probably best to avoid talking much about the relationship.
It sounds like you have several more areas that you can work on. Get that FT job. Gaining her respect starts with you respecting yourself...and it seems that you do feel more immasculated by not being the breadwinner and being at her whim about your housing situation. I personally don't feel she can throw you out..since you are her spouse. I'd get legal advice on how to proceed with this stuff...the sooner the better.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Changedforgood: In a lot of ways, I went through some similar things during my first divorce. I was married to a doctor, and I was teacher so there was a ginormous disparity in our incomes. I was a Mr. Mom, and I spent a lot of time with the kids. She got frustrated with my inability to communciate, and she went off the reservation with a fellow doctor. The only reasoning why I am telling you any of this is because I spent six months living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, begging for her forgiveness for my shortcomings, losing too much weight, not getting enough sleep, and I went into a suicidal tailspin. I lost all sense of self worth.
Please do not let that happen to you. Never lose sight of the fact that you have two kids. They need you. I almost took a father away from my children, and it was the worst thing that I have ever done.
You are somebody who cares about other people, so you are not worthless. Even if your wife continues to bail, you will always be a father to your kids. Stay in their lives. My kids are all in their twenties now, but we are extremely close. They are the best thing that I ever did. If you can raise your kids to be healthy and happy, it will be the most important thing that you ever achieve.
I hope that you can tackle one challenge at a time mentally with the job, the divorce, and the living situation. They are all, occurring at once, so it will be difficult, and it may be overwhelming. It's a cliche, but it will get better with time. Don't let her treat you like a pinata.
M 57 W 52 Married 12, Together 14 No kids by this marriage 2nd marriage for both
You are getting advice from well meaning that will ensure that you end up divorced. You aren't likely to save your relationship with this advice.
The problem is with drug/alcohol use .... even after the use ends....it isn't that simple. A lot went on. A lot still goes on....and YOU might not have the best eyes to see what went on. Do the work of DBing this relationship. Go through the steps. THEN you will be a better you....you will have a shot at repairing your family. It won't be easy......it will be long and hard. But then if it doesn't work....you will be in much better shape for another relationship.
If it does end and you move on....you will still have to do this work....or the next relationship will have a great chance of going down a similar path.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Good for you finding your strength. I would tend to agree that you are better off taking the offensive. If you've sincerely apologized and expressed that you'll change, then there is no sense continuing down that path. If she initiates a R talk, then you can apologize for your failures then, but at this stage it's probably best to avoid talking much about the relationship.
It sounds like you have several more areas that you can work on. Get that FT job. Gaining her respect starts with you respecting yourself...and it seems that you do feel more immasculated by not being the breadwinner and being at her whim about your housing situation. I personally don't feel she can throw you out..since you are her spouse. I'd get legal advice on how to proceed with this stuff...the sooner the better.
This is good advice, Changed. Protect yourself, WORK on yourself, and MAKE yourself the better option.
You are getting advice from well meaning that will ensure that you end up divorced. You aren't likely to save your relationship with this advice.
Have no idea what you are talking about. Are you even replying to the right thread sg? Glad you are such a seer...this place needs more of them. What did you see above that you are getting down on? Was it, "there are still improvements to make"? Was it, "keep working on yourself"? Was it, "try to not talk about the relationship as much"? Sg, if you are going to be the all-knowing moderator, you might want to provide specifics since what you wrote is pretty vague.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
