Just having my rant session. W calls at 2:30 to say, hey I left my phone, don't have it. I say K, drive safe, assuming she will be to house in 30 minutes, shows up 2 hours later. I don't know what the right thing to do is here, but I felt compelled to let her know how disrespectful it was to not even come to my room to say "sorry, I am home safe." She did appologize when I went to her room to say that, and she didn't want to wake me up. Come to find out, there was a lovers quarrel with OM and that is why she was pissy all day. Really not pissy toward me, just pissy in general. Guess it's not all paradise on that greener grass, huh?
Mainly because I feel that I did not really do anything wrong (I am aware of the things that I did do) , but I am still blamed by WAW for causing things that I did not cause
In "her eyes" right now, she feels that you did cause some problems. The first time my H and I tried to talk after the bomb hit, he made the statement he had never done anything wrong. I think he was really talking about being unfaithful, but at the time, I took it the wrong way and man did it hit me wrong. I closed up my heart even more and I stopped any talks with him b/c of that statement. All I wanted to hear from him was that he accepted his part of the breakdown in the M. He came across as being "Mr. Clean" and I was the scrum woman. I saw him as being self-righteous and it turned me off and make me furious. Of course, my heart was not in the right place.
I only tell you this so you can keep it in the back of your mind if you and W have a similar conversation. No, you have not been unfaithful and you've been home taking care of the kids while she's out with OM. That is horrible for a W/mother to do! But be careful, for the sake of the M....not to appear to her that you are Mr. Self-righteous. Know what I mean? She is very guilty and very defensive, so she will fire back at you if you aren't careful about your choice of words.
Later, Sandi
P.S. Yes, you can gauge her up & down emotions based on what's happening with her and OM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I completely understand, and as tough as it may be at times, I have never not accepted my part in this. I know exactly what you mean, based on the conversation when W feels that I am no accepting enough. I try to choose my words very carefully, and I try to have my key phrases ready to go at any given moment. The validations and such.
PDT, I never expected to see it so easily and so early. I did not realize what it was until she told me.
I'm with Sandi on this one....let go of the anger for now. When you get this back on track, and you very will can do that, you can address those feelings then.
I'm having anger issues right now as a matter of fact. I know I have to work through them, and I will. But I don't show it to H, I've learned, that won't help. But what does help is that I've been able to talk to him about SOME of my feelings and he's been very receptive and he's even apologized.
He said "I know this doesn't change anything and it really doesnt' help. But I'm sorry."
I looked at him and said "Not only does it help, it changes a lot......"
He didn't get it, so I said "Imagine it this way, what if you weren't sorry at all? Would we be here right now?"
Then he got it.
It'll happen one way or another where you end up doing well to great. But I agree with Sandi, you can't operate angry right now....hoping God thunderbolts her.
I am surprisingly not angry. I have gotten past that point. There are times that she makes me angry with her continuing actions. i.e. going out till ungodly hours for no reason...false accusations against me.... But for the most part, my main emotion that comes and goes is sadness.
So why have you not set boundaries yet about the partying?
When she makes a false accusation, you just nod. At most you can say I don't see it that way, I'm sorry you do, it's obviously causing you angst. Or something like that, but you can't defend yourself because she's not going to be convinced of anything.
Eventually, she will come to her senses....you just have to decide if you have it in you to hold on.
When she makes a false accusation, you just nod. At most you can say I don't see it that way, I'm sorry you do, it's obviously causing you angst. Or something like that, but you can't defend yourself because she's not going to be convinced of anything.
Or, one of my personal favorites, you just stare at her, shake your head, and say "Wow . . . "
Mainly because I feel that I did not really do anything wrong (I am aware of the things that I did do) , but I am still blamed by WAW for causing things that I did not cause
In "her eyes" right now, she feels that you did cause some problems. The first time my H and I tried to talk after the bomb hit, he made the statement he had never done anything wrong. I think he was really talking about being unfaithful, but at the time, I took it the wrong way and man did it hit me wrong. I closed up my heart even more and I stopped any talks with him b/c of that statement. All I wanted to hear from him was that he accepted his part of the breakdown in the M. He came across as being "Mr. Clean" and I was the scrum woman. I saw him as being self-righteous and it turned me off and make me furious. Of course, my heart was not in the right place.
I only tell you this so you can keep it in the back of your mind if you and W have a similar conversation. No, you have not been unfaithful and you've been home taking care of the kids while she's out with OM. That is horrible for a W/mother to do! But be careful, for the sake of the M....not to appear to her that you are Mr. Self-righteous. Know what I mean? She is very guilty and very defensive, so she will fire back at you if you aren't careful about your choice of words.
Later, Sandi
P.S. Yes, you can gauge her up & down emotions based on what's happening with her and OM.
Sandi I'm reading your post and I'm trying to get some accurate info from you because I think some of what you are saying hits close to home. You didn't want your husband to hold you accountable for your actions because you felt guilty & defensive enough as it is - correct? He probably started living a perfect life, being a perfect husband & father and this standard that he was setting & living bothered you I guess - correct me if I'm wrong. So if him acting self-righteous bothered you, which behavior or behaviors on his part got you to lower your defenses and want to work on the marriage again? I'm assuming when he stopped acting self-righteous that helped a bit but am I overthinking this that he did more to get you to reconsider the marriage?
