Looking For Help

[Looking_For_Help]

Again, another strange evening. I made dinner for myself and the kids...the W was working late. When she arrived, she was very talkative about her day. She also asked about how my day was and how I was doing? She hasn't asked that in about two months. WTF? Later I took the kids to the grocery store to stock up for the week, the W is going out of town on business again. This allowed her to pack for her trip (not NY). She did say goodnight (she didn't last night) and said she was going to program the coffee maker for tomorrow morning. I guess coffee-making has become symbolic here. I don't care about her damn coffee, she wasn't thanking me for it anyways.

GIMA: It's funny...when I was at the grocery store with the kids, my only thought was that here I am out alone with my kids and felt already divorced. For the first time all day, my mind and heart were at peace. I've noticed on several occassions that I feel my best when I'm alone with the kids and my W is not around (especially during our vacation). It's been a rough day.

Thanks,
LFH

[givingitmyall]

I understand how you feel. I think that's b/c the pressure is off when W is not around. Whenever I have taken my S out of town for the weekend, I was relaxed until the day we had to go back home b/c I knew what was waiting for me at home.

Keep working on detaching. Once you really don't care what W does, the pressure is off. Because you no longer worry about how to act around W - you just be yourself.

Funny about the coffee maker - we do the very same thing.

[sandi2]

I understand how you feel. I think that's b/c the pressure is off when W is not around. Whenever I have taken my S out of town for the weekend, I was relaxed until the day we had to go back home b/c I knew what was waiting for me at home.

So very true!

LFH,

I think you summed it up when you said that you were trying to be the very best man/husband you could be and if that wasn't enough for your W then what more could you do. That is all any of us can do....."the best of our ability".

The point is that a lot of men could not do as you are doing. They would HAVE TO KNOW if there was another man in the picture and if their W was having an A or not. The way you see it is that you could do nothing to stop her "if" she was having an A. You have chosen to go the path you can take and we all have to do that in the end. You confronted your W after the pressure got to you and it did not turn out well. I think I remembered telling you not to do that.....but I understand "why" you did. I bet it shocked you to hear her think the same thing about you, didn't it? I believe it was due to you detaching too much about the time you first came on the board. She saw you as being cold and distant and she thought you were acting suspicious! I think Michele would say, "mysterious". (lol) Hard to find a balance in these things.

I do not find fault with you working the DBing this way. I think it takes a special kind of strength for a man (or woman) to live their life as best they can under these circumstances.

I am glad that you are reaching a place you can begin to feel comfortable and hopefully find some peace. B/c when you can, you will be able to "drop the rope" and I think one way or the other.....it will be for your best.

Keeping working on yourself.....but to make "you" happy.....not just your W.

Take care,
Sandi

[Looking_For_Help]

Hi Sandi,

Thanks for your response. Am I interpreting the mood of your post correctly in that my M is likely over? I'm feeling that way too. She's only hanging around b/c she fears losing the kids, or atleast that's what she's saying . When she gets her next promotion in the next 6-12 months (which is not a guarantee), there will be less travel. She'll probably file then and demand custody of the kids. I'm not sure and I don't trust her.

It may be in my best interest to obtain some legal counseling at this time. I may actually get custody of my children (something I want very much)if I act now. But by acting now, I probably remove the slightest chance of reconciliation. If I wait, I may lose everything...what a dilemma. Or who knows...it may wake her up to reality if she senses that she's going to lose me. I have read many time here that it's only when the LBS "drops the rope" that the WAS realizes reality.

Deep inside of me, I hope that things can still turnaround. It's only been since mid April that my W dropped the bomb. Maybe I just need to be more patient and give time for God to intervene. If there is an OM, it may take a very long time for my W to come around. A big obstacle (not a problem) as Puppy phrased it.

I do sense I'm nearing that "dropping the rope" stage. My hope is running dry. I don't want a divorce, but it may be for the best. In the meantime, I will keep working on me in becoming the best person and father I can. I am inquiring about joining the PTA at my son's new school and signing my son up for soccer camp.

Any additional thoughts, suggestions, or inspirational words? I can really use them if you all got them!

Thanks,
LFH

[givingitmyall]

LFH,

That's a tough spot. I guess what you should do depends on what you want. Do you want to save your M or do you think that is not possible (for YOU)? What I always ask myself when thoughts of "it's over" creep in is can I tell my kids I have done EVERYTHING I Could to save the M? So far, the answer to that question has been "no." So, I keep fighting. Don't know where it's going, but I damn sure won't go without a fight.

You sound pretty low right now, and I would be careful about making any major decisions if you are in a bad place. I could be way off, but I am just telling you what I read b/w the lines in your post.

I am all for preparing for the worst, so talking to an attorney is not a bad idea. Just understand an attorney (and I AM one) will view your R from a MUCH different perspective than you. Your A isn't paid to reconcile you and your W - a good one will recognize when this is something that should happen and make appropriate recommendations.

Deep inside of me, I hope that things can still turnaround. It's only been since mid April that my W dropped the bomb. Maybe I just need to be more patient and give time for God to intervene.

Do you hope for reconciliation? I think you do - you just sound tired, confused and a little fearful (that's ok - we ALL have that). AND, I think you are right that it's only been since mid-April (just like my sitch) - don't want to put words in Sandi's mouth, but I would be willing to bet she will tell you to be patient and it is too early. Remember, it took our W's years to get to where they are - should we really expect them to snap out of it in a few months? Keep working on you and pray for strength to keep fighting and that God will intervene in your sitch - I do this daily - sometimes many times a day.

I do sense I'm nearing that "dropping the rope" stage. My hope is running dry.

Dropping the rope is not a bad thing and it does not mean you are giving up hope. In fact, it means (I think) that you are giving your W the freedom to make her decision all the while knowing you will be OK no matter what - and you will. Sandi has often said in her posts that dropping teh rope is necessary to giving us a chance of our W's coming back. AND, and here's the best part, it also frees us from teh torment of the "What if she doesn't come back" thoughts - b/c our happiness is not dependent upon them coming back.

I think you still want to try to save your M. You sound tired - I hit that point last week - How long can I continue this, I am so emotionally exhausted. I prayed about it, ramped up my exercise, and really made an effort to continue detaching. Pray for strength, peace and wisdom, and they will come.

Hang in there man. You CAN do this!

[Tomato]

LFH,

That's a tough spot. I guess what you should do depends on what you want. Do you want to save your M or do you think that is not possible (for YOU)? What I always ask myself when thoughts of "it's over" creep in is can I tell my kids I have done EVERYTHING I Could to save the M? So far, the answer to that question has been "no." So, I keep fighting. Don't know where it's going, but I damn sure won't go without a fight.

You sound pretty low right now, and I would be careful about making any major decisions if you are in a bad place. I could be way off, but I am just telling you what I read b/w the lines in your post.

I am all for preparing for the worst, so talking to an attorney is not a bad idea. Just understand an attorney (and I AM one) will view your R from a MUCH different perspective than you. Your A isn't paid to reconcile you and your W - a good one will recognize when this is something that should happen and make appropriate recommendations.

Deep inside of me, I hope that things can still turnaround. It's only been since mid April that my W dropped the bomb. Maybe I just need to be more patient and give time for God to intervene.

Do you hope for reconciliation? I think you do - you just sound tired, confused and a little fearful (that's ok - we ALL have that). AND, I think you are right that it's only been since mid-April (just like my sitch) - don't want to put words in Sandi's mouth, but I would be willing to bet she will tell you to be patient and it is too early. Remember, it took our W's years to get to where they are - should we really expect them to snap out of it in a few months? Keep working on you and pray for strength to keep fighting and that God will intervene in your sitch - I do this daily - sometimes many times a day.

I do sense I'm nearing that "dropping the rope" stage. My hope is running dry.

Dropping the rope is not a bad thing and it does not mean you are giving up hope. In fact, it means (I think) that you are giving your W the freedom to make her decision all the while knowing you will be OK no matter what - and you will. Sandi has often said in her posts that dropping teh rope is necessary to giving us a chance of our W's coming back. AND, and here's the best part, it also frees us from teh torment of the "What if she doesn't come back" thoughts - b/c our happiness is not dependent upon them coming back.

I think you still want to try to save your M. You sound tired - I hit that point last week - How long can I continue this, I am so emotionally exhausted. I prayed about it, ramped up my exercise, and really made an effort to continue detaching. Pray for strength, peace and wisdom, and they will come.

Hang in there man. You CAN do this!

Oh ..this is so chock full of goodness.

I was wondering if maybe I could chime in for ...whatever I might chime in for ..lol. Encouragement in the grind of this rigorous burdensome fight that we all have undertaken when we come here.

Extremely well put friendly advice GIMA. You have either acquired a great deal in your relatively short time in DB land or you had it coming in.

The best I can do is to let it stand on its own.

LFH ...your bud GIMA is providing you with great insight.

Be well in all your many and varied circumstances. Let God carry the bulk of the load. He wants to lighten it for you more and more. He is up to the challenge. Take care and God bless you.

Ted

[Tomato]

and Hi sandi.

As I am sure you are plenty aware LFH ...having her around to give you additional perspective is terrific also.

T

[givingitmyall]

She (and others - Coach, Greek and Puppy) are GREAT! Don't think I would still be sane if not for them.

[sandi2]

Am I interpreting the mood of your post correctly in that my M is likely over?

No, I didn't intend to sound as if I was interpreting it in any direction. I only wanted you to reach that place where you were ready to lay the rope down and emotionally ready to move on with your life. There are risks, I think, when a person does that. By all accounts, some LBS become detached to the point of not wanting to take the WAS back if so desired. So, a lot of thought needs to be placed in the decision, but I feel that if you can do that, you are protecting yourself. If love is a choice, then couldn't a person decide whether or not to take a WAS back? But, if it is based strickly on emotions, then more than likely, those emotions are going to be detached and the WAS will find a different person from who they left.

Take care,
Sandi

[Looking_For_Help]

I haven’t posted in a while due to ALOT of thinking…

I’ve been thinking about what my W said to me a few Saturdays ago (7/11)… that she was only staying with me because she was fearful of losing the kids in a divorce settlement. This statement initiated some deep contemplation and soul-searching on my behalf for the next few days…it pretty much ended any hope I had for reconciliation.

So on last Tuesday (7/14), I told my W that I was ready for and wanted a divorce.

Here are some of the statements I made to her:
I thanked her for dropping the D bomb on me three months ago. It made me realize that I wasn’t living my life to its God-given potential and that I needed to change.

It prioritized what was really important to me (my kids, religion, being a great person etc).

I had an “awakening” and that I was going to live my life to the fullest with or without her!

I mentioned that during the last three months, I had become a really happy person even with a divorce cloud overhead (she noticed this!). I learned that the only person responsible for my happiness is me, not her.

I have taken control over my life for the better. I was excited about what my future had in store for me…a renewed sense of hope.

I wanted love, friendship, romance, excitement, passion, happiness, and travel in my next relationship and that I was determined to find it. I also said that I didn’t believe I could have these things with her…that it would most likely have to be with another woman.

I had lost all sense of hope for the restoration of our relationship. I doubted that we could even be friends after the divorce, but would have to work with each other to effectively co-parent.

I told her I was done!

This was her response: Please don’t file for a divorce (stated two times)…I don’t want a divorce…I just need some more time. ..I just need some more time. She wouldn’t tell me what the additional time would provide her. And she left it at that, as did I.

Soon thereafter, she seemed to be very interested in living like a family. She planned a picnic at the beach for the whole family. She cooked very nice dinners last weekend. She did a load of laundry for me. We talked on subjects other than the kids. We had a relatively nice time. She’s organizing a September football weekend trip for me and my son. Wow…what a change in her behavior!

However, I was still troubled this morning about my question to her of “what will additional time give you?” I pressed on this matter and she stated “I just want to make sure I’m making the correct decision” and that “we’re making progress.”

So I'm not sure what to do next. She is going to have to change in order for this relationship to work. I don’t want her old self back. I don’t want to go back to being miserable. I’m already looking forward to my new life. This past week has been very peaceful for me.
-LFH