d-day coming soon - help !

[misshim]

Hope everyone had a good Fourth of July.

D4 and I stayed at home for the Fourth, fireworks happen to late and by that time she's sound asleep. She plays so hard during the day that she's exhausted.

I also like to stay home because the neighbors down the road shoot off some loud fireworks and it scares my cows. We used to have to watch them for busting thru the fences. But now I'm only down to a one cow, one goat and one cat that as a kitten has always road the back of the cow or goat and now that it is a full grown cat it still rides on the goat mostly. Ha !! what a site, D4 and I crack up when we see it.

The last time I heard from my H was last wednesday when he dropped off D4. It is very much not like him to not text to see how she is. I refused to text him. It is so hard to detach, I can't stand it. But know it's a necessary thing to do.

He will pick up D4 and drop her off tonight. I feel very nervous. We had come such along way only to go back to the way we were when he first left. I feel like I'm starting all over again.

This time our "new" divorce date of August 1, 2009 isn't bothering me as much as the old one did. Sure it makes me sad but I've realized that I love him so much that I am willing to let him go and maybe, just maybe, we can find each other again someday. (I didn't file, he did so I couldn't stop it anyway)

I was at church this past sunday and I saw my BIL & SIL who used to always hug and kiss me and say how much they missed me and always told me to call them. In the beginning I called them twice, but they were usually busy or they'd tell my H that I called. Was I dumb, but at least I never said anything to them that I wouldn't have said to my H.

Anyway, they said Hi - very casual, no eye contact and while they were walking past me. I know it was wrong, but I couldn't say hi to them. His whole family cut me out of their lives entirely. Pastor told me along time ago, that blood is thicker than water (I'm the water !!!!) I should have said hi back but I know they really don't give a hoot. What a shame, we used to be so close.

One of my best friends said that if we were to ever get back together we need to move away from all of his family.

I said, I've learned alot from all of this. I wouldn't dare move further away because my luck my H might relapse and do this again. That's a sad thought.

At least now, I've put the house back in my name and I know that he can't take it away from me. He did try last monday when he met my lawyer (10 minutes b4 court) but my L reminded him that no Mr.?? your wife bought that house and put down a large amount of money down on it before you came into the picture. Now you took a loan out for a building and within 5 months you were gone. Seems to me, you put her into a financial hardship.

He wasn't happy to say the least but he backed off. I hate this but it felt good to vent here. I've kept that in, didn't even want to tell my mom because my mom has helped us out so much with the house thru the years. She deserves more interest in the house then he does. (ha=ha)

Oh well, I just have to breath slow and be strong.

Grace if your still with me, I hope you had a good 4th and I'm thinking of all of you

[Grace_O]

misshim,

I'm still here. Computer had some kind of bug I needed to clear, was running really slow (still not all that fast).

Glad to hear your 4th was ok. Mine was ok too. D14 had lots to do, so we were on the run.

I know it's hard for you to feel like you've lost BIL and SIL too. Truth is, they may not know what to say. I think your friend is wrong that if you put it back together you'd need to move though. If you can forgive each other, then anyone else needs to also (or not come around).

I'll try to catch up more later. I've gotta run.

HUGS

[misshim]

H dropped off D4 last night, I was making her favorite casserole and she wanted to eat when she got home. H hadn't fed her (like he normally does on his days) I was trying to get her in the house for dinner. D4 asked daddy to stay and eat with her. My heart sank. H said if it's ok with mommy. Sure put me on the spot. I said, sure that's fine.

He has only thanked me for dinner (maybe 5 times total in 7 years) I really don't expect it, but it's nice to hear, but like alot of things in our marriage, I was used to him never saying anything. Well, last night he had 2 helpings and said thank you, it was really good. I almost fell over. I didn't want to get to excited and so I just said - great, I'm glad you liked it.

I really thought he would leave after dinner. But we all went outside and played with our D4 in the yard. A couple times I caught H just starring out in the corn field. Deep in thought. I left him alone. A couple of times I'd walk past him and I'd put my hand on his back with a little rub. Then I'd just keep going, laughing & playing w/D4.

Then the roller coaster again hits - he was going to leave, but daughter asked him to stay and put her to bed. He looked at me and said if your mother wants me to stay? I said, that would be ok with me, but that he needed to make the choice.

Don't know if that was right or wrong to say. But 2 weeks? ago he told me that he only stayed to put her to bed because he was helping me. (I didn't believe that, I know it meant alot to him to be there for her bedtime) So, I wanted him to make the choice.

He was so talkative, he even stayed after her bed and talked about his work. I only listened, my lips were zipped (ha-ha). He started to doze off and I touched his shoulder and told him it was getting late. He got up and gave me a big hug and wished me a good day at work and left.

How strange, this roller coaster. Now today, I haven't heard a word from him. That's ok too. I'm not sure how to react to anything anymore.

Even though I have to try to ignore the hurtful things he has told me in the past, I still love him because I know in my heart that he only told me that out of his own state of confusion.

So I'm back to riding the roller coaster. I guess, be his friend with boundries and enjoy his company on his good days. Take most of what he says and ignore it.

And NO R TALKS !! Funny, with the new divorce date of Aug. 1 coming, I'm not panicked (so far) like the 1st time. I've realized that there is nothing I can do. We don't have to go to court on that date because we've signed agreement, I'm just waiting for him to provide me with cobra information. I have to ask my L how this all works, maybe she'll have to notify the courts that I've received the insurance papers and we can just be done.

Who knows !!!

[misshim]

Not sure if what I did was wrong. Last night when my D4 had to go to bed she had a meltdown, missing her dad and wanting him there to put her to bed. She has had them in the past but I just hold her and rock her and love her up and then she's ok.

Last night, I couldn't console her. I tried all my methods. Then she started hyperventalating, it tore my heart out. I finally said do you want to talk to daddy on the phone and say goodnight? She wanted to and did but got his voice mail. Then she started crying because he wasn't answering. She cried. and I told her he must be at work and couldn't answer.

Well he called back right away. I did tell him that I was sorry for bothering him but I just couldn't get D4 to settle down. He wasn't angry, and he talked to her. She told him she misses him and wanted him home to put her to bed. Oh, how it broke my heart. I didn't want to stress him out either but I was at my witts end with her and I thought this might calm her. I told her daddy's at work and has to go, and I told her to say goodnight to him. I heard her say I love you daddy, and bye. She was just down to a little sobbing, when I took the phone. I apologized again to H, but I just didn't know what else to do. He said, it's ok, don't worry about it.

We hung up and I was able to get D4 to bed. Of course with the promise that she would see daddy wednesday after daycare. (his day).

About 15 minutes later, H texted me and asked if that had helped D4 in getting her to bed. I told him yes, thank you. He never answered me again.

I probably took a huge step back, but I felt so sorry for her. I really hate to see her have to go thru this, at the same time I know that it will only get better.

Does anyone think that I screwed up???? I've always felt that what happens in our house I will handle when I have her. Same respect when D-4 is with him at his parents. But last night was just awful. I've never seen her so upset in the 7 1/2 months that he's been gone.

[mdoodles]

it happens to me all the time, and i handle it the same way as you.

you did nothing wrong.

she misses her daddy so why cant she call him to talk to him?

nothing wrong with that at all.

it has nothing to do with you and your husband.

[misshim]

Thanks for the reply.

A person gets to the point of not knowing what to do anymore.

I know I have to GAL, but our D4 just thinks daddy's the best.

Of course H is more fun with her. He see's her for 2 hours every other day and then every other weekend. Their time consists of going to the park and swinging. D4 swings, he's on his cell. Or they go for a drive in the car.

Dad is fun in her eyes. He can be, moved back home to his parents. He doesn't cook, laundry, chores, nothing but party.

I might not be as much fun, but at least I was able to keep my farm. So D4 and I do have alot of chores to do with the few animals left and plus the other outside chores. Then of course the inside chores, I try to make it as "fun as possible" but of course she gets bored with all of that stuff.

I'm trying to adjust to all of it, and keep everyone happy in the process. My happiness comes when it's 9 pm and animals & D4 are sleeping. Then it's my prayer time and try to sleep because 4:30am comes early in my book !!

Now I have problems with racoons coming in at night and eating all my "farm" cats food and water. 40 lb bag of cat food in 1 1/2 weeks is getting costly. So I've been trying to catch them but they don't come in barn until 10-11pm. Argh !!

Oh well, stressed out I am. But I just have to keep going!!

[misshim]

H dropped off our D4 last night after the 2 hours they spend together. He looked very tired. H working normal job then side jobs (drywalling) on the days he doesn't have to pick up D from daycare. It seems like he's doing whatever to keep busy, probably so he doesn't have to think.

I thought he was going to leave right away, but he started playing with D4 outside and they went for a walk and played on her swingset. Time for D4 to go to bed. Again, she wanted daddy to put her to bed. Poor girl, she kept asking daddy if he was going to sleep here with mommy so she could see him in the morning. I didn't say a word, he told her yes, he was going to be here in am.

Again, like in the past he didn't want to leave, after daughter went to bed. He sat at the kitchen table, looking out into the corn field. Small talk, about his work and looking at cars. I did my best to not give any negative opinions (like I used to do) and no R talks.

He asked if I could rub his bad shoulder (bone spurs) of course I did. Just to touch him again is nice whenever I get the chance. He thanked me and said it really felt good. Sound trivial but this man never believes in saying thank you for nothing. To me this is huge for him to do. I just told him you are welcome, anytime.

H gets up (I thought to leave) and he said do you mind if I catch the weather on the news? By this time I knew he didn't want to leave. I know he can't say it but I wish he would just say, is it ok if I stay? (instead of watching him makeup excuses to stay)

Of course he fell asleep before weather came on. I got up and started rubbing his temples (he was stretched out in the recliner) he then moved his head and laid his cheek in my hand as I was rubbing his temples.

I bent down and kissed his forehead and temples, he just kind of moaned.

He stayed pretty late and when he left he gave me a big hug. For a second there, I forgot about all of the B.S. that's going on and during the big hug. I went to kiss him, duh !!! He turned his head, and I kissed him on the cheek. He slapped (nicely) me on my bottom, and I returned the favor.

WTH?? is going on with him now??? I'm finally used to the fact that he is divorcing me and I will have to go on without him. Yet, we are still playing "tiddly winks" with each other.

We were in the above stage awhile back, but when he met my lawyer in court on june 29 things changed for the worst. Now one week later we are back at getting along again.

He just acts like i'm his buddy. I don't totally mind that because he's talking more. (not about us) I really think that he will divorce me come August 1 but in his mind we can continue to be just friends.

At this time in my life, I want a friend but I also want a partner and lover. But he has yet to get that concept. Oh well maybe someday !!!

[misshim]

My L called me this a.m. she wants to file the final paperwork, findings of fact, law, conclusion of Divorce (I think it's called). She approached my H at court to do it because it can be very involved and confusing. H would have to do it because he filed but she offered to get it done. H was supposed to call L the other day give the go-ahead or he would have to do on his own.

I asked L to call him this coming Monday and leave a message because I really didn't want to discuss this with him. I figured I shouldn't because it's a R discussion.

Foolish me, I did ask her if we could get this D postponed somehow. No luck, it would have to be up to my H to postpone now. Oh well, I tried.

I hangup from L and H texts me wanting to see how my day was going and maybe if it works out would I like to go out for dinner with him saturday night! Oh I was so happy and I texted back -- sounds like a great idea, let me know later what time. He texted ok, have a good day and I'll talk more when I drop off our D tonight.

I'm really excited but have to remain calm. My excitement slowed when my L called back after lunch today. L had time to call H today to leave a message and he actually answered his phone !! He agreed with my L and wanted L to do the final paperwork, he will be sending L money to finish it.

L called me right back and said that L talked to H. I'm glad that he agreed to let L do paperwork. Now I'm bummed, I'll bet he will cancel dinner plans for saturday night.

Don't get me wrong, I could care less about the eating. I just was looking forward to being alone with him.

I'll be seeing him tonight when he drops off D4. I'm not saying a word about the L. I know he won't bring it up either.


Have a great day everyone !! Grace, I hope your doing ok, you've been kind of quiet lately !!

[Grace_O]

misshim,

I'm sorry your D4 had such a tough time the other night. It's hard at any age, but I can't imagine when they are little. I agree that what you di was good for her, and that's the bottom line.

I wish I had some great insight about his wanting to hang out and asking you to rub his shoulder etc. I don't. I don't know what they think and in alot of regards I've given up trying to figure it out.

It's got to be tough on you that he asks you out to dinner and then pays the L to proceed. I know that you want to believe that his invitation means something more than it may. On the upside, regardless of the final filing, if you can (and choose to) be his friend, things could play out down the road. I don't know if I would even entertain the idea myself, mostly b/c it puts the focus somewhere other than on you.

I know you're stretched really thin with all that's going on, but what is one really nice thing you could do for yourself this weekend?

Thanks for asking about me. I'm just trying to get my self together here, dealing with alot with D's etc.

HUGS

[Grace_O]

misshim,

How are you holding up?