Trying to stay strong

[hopeful_cb]

Hi orchid,
Sorry things are so cloudy and confusing, I think that regressing some would be completely normal considering the signing of the papers. Dont be too hard on yourself! I'm sure if that day comes for me I'll more than regress a 'little' Keep moving forward tho, its the only way to go in the long run. Maybe revisiting goals and setting some new ones will help you get thru, give you something else to focus on(as well as all the new stuff in your life!)and day by day it might get easier.

I really like the place that you are in. It sounds concise and clear.

Thanks I'm glad I sound that way bc I dont usually feel that way. I feel definite ups and downs and I pretty sick of them, but they are getting less severe. Strange how this sort of thing becomes 'normal' after months of living like this.

Give it some time and hopefully your thinking will bc clear again. Make sure to take care of yourself, you can do this. *hugs*

[mnt_dreams]

Setting some little short-term goals is a great idea. If you post in that thread, you should get some good feedback.

I've been thinking about a 'tat' too... maybe a little daisy or something, something. See how we're evolving..! Better and better, day by day!

[hopeful_cb]

Better and better day by day, thats true.

I had a good time at the conference yesterday. I am very tired tho bc it was over 2 hrs travel each way, but travelled w another girl from work so at least got to chat some.

I need to catch up on rest and sleep some this weekend. I also need to clean, been too busy lately.

No word from H and I've not contact him at all.

Really should get him the bill account info, but been busy and not really top of my list right now. I was pretty angry at the beginning of the week thinking back over everything that has happened. Not so angry now, just tired.

So I have no idea what my 'plan' is or what I'm doing at the moment. Like I said before I need to revisit my goals and set some or dig out what they were bc I have lost track with everything that has been happening lately. I feel like I'm just floating, whereas before at least I was swimming...if that makes sense.

[hopeful_cb]

I didn’t do a v good job of gal this weekend. Will have to try harder this week.

I have been up and down the last few days. I keep thinking about the sitch and what to do next.

Venting…
I keep thinking should I tell H to come get his sh*t out of my house? Should I tell him to give me his key? Should I tell him if he is going to continue doing X then he needs to file? How long do I let this stand with no movement in any direction?

I have not heard from him in over a week since he cancelled out meeting and asked for a ‘raincheck.’ I don’t know if I should call him or keep up no contact until he initiates. It feels like a game of ‘tag’ and im tired of it.

I’m so fed up with the whole thing tonight. If this is his choice, he has made it and now its been months why does he not make any effort to move his things out, why does he not want to file for D, why, why why?

I know it’s a waste of time to look for answers, I don’t think I’ll get any.

I feel like I am ‘out of sight out of mind’ and that the status quo is way to easy for him(but then I don’t know how easy it is really).

I feel a bit better now for writing that all out.

I was talking to a friend tonight and she said to me it seems like you def need some closure or direction and it might not come from him so you might have to take the lead be in control and concentrate on what you want to do.

I know I need to concentrate on what I want to do, but where in that do I make what I want/need to do making him follow thru on his actions. or is that the completely wrong way to think about it? I dont want to force him into a divorce I dont want. But how do you handle a spouse that has no want to divorce but is separated?

[kara]

Hi hopeful

Your friend has a good point, I think. What is best for you and what do you want at this point? If you don't want a divorce, don't initiate one. You can sit still and see the situation develop but it will take loads of patience. How much is it worth it to you? The situation can unfold in various ways:

a. H can do nothing, you can carry on as you do now with little contact and no closure. You most likely will become fed up/tired/ready to move on and at that point you may be ready to file.

b. You and H re-establish your R.

c. H decides he is ready for a D and he takes control.

I may be missing some possible scenarios but this is how I see it right now.

It has only been a few months since your S. I know it seems like an eternity but really it isn't. There is nothing wrong with giving it more time if you are not ready to do anything else.

How do you handle a spouse that does not want a D but is separated? Tough one. Possibilities?

a. You don't "handle" them. You get on with your life, GAL and let time and space do their work. As much time and space as you need. The answer will then make itself apparent to you.

b. You wait for him to have a Damascus road ephipany. Could happen. Could not. We don't know cause we can't see the future.

It really boils down to you, your patience , tolerance level and where you are at a particular point in time. If you are a praying person it boils down to your guidance from God and your prayer life.

Why do spouses want no divorce but want to be separated?

This is another multiple choice question.

a. They are confused and don't know what the hell they want. You can't be M and single at the same time. That's not how it works. Someone needs to get them a play book.

b. They are just focusing on their immediate needs and have not thought that far down the road.

c. It suits them to have it this way for whatever reasons. They could also genuinely be experiencing pain at the thought of ending a M because they are human notwithstanding the alien behvaiour which they are exhibiting.

It is very possible that the NC could spark your H's interest. But you will have to let it play out if you are so inclined and have the patience. Sometimes no movement is movement. You are growing and changing each day even if you are doing nothing outwardly.

What does your inner voice tell you it is time to do? I know that sounds very airy fairy but for me my inner voice has been very good these last few months. I knew when to be still then I knew when it was time to do something. How do you read your own sitch?

You'll figure it out, sweetie. Let us know how it goes.

[Looking_For_Help]

Hello Kara,

Why do spouses want no divorce but want to be separated? Great multiple answers you gave. I'm starting to believe "all of the above."

Thanks...LFH

[orchid01]

I found these last few entries wonderfully thought provoking! For me, My H wants a divorce but does not want to be separated - sort of. I could go on and on...about the contradictions, but at this point, I don't even think about it. Its too confusing to buy into his thought process.

To me, it helps to think of myself single....for my sake. I think to wait for them to give us a cue - is what gets us in trouble.

Hopeful, I would say that you will get to a point where you will know exactly what you want to do. You gals all told me that after my H left from his visit and wanted the D, but wanted to start fresh! And, you were right, I did.

Be patient with yourself. No need to have it all figured out now. I will tell you that there came a time when every time I walked thru the door, my eyes would go to the D papers and the feeling that I should just sign - was overwhelming. I still didn't act on it for like 2 weeks after it started.

One thing that is so difficult is that there is no right or wrong move really. At the end of the day, don't do things to manipulate or control him or his feelings.

ACT based on what is good for YOU.....Irrespective of him coming back or not! Hard to do........and hard to decipher your own motives....so, just take your time.

Be true to yourself. Be good to yourself.

[hopeful_cb]

Thanks guys for that, it was good to read and helped me get some thoughts straight. I think I know what I feel for now. Just been struggling with direction lately. I decided I need to focus more on me. I'm going to read this again tomorrow and think about it properly.

I went to the gym after work, which was good and then went to a friends and talked and had some wine.

H emailed me at work today saying he hopes im well, he just remembered it was the 4th (yeh over a week late!) asked what i did, said 'let me know you are ok' which made me think he sounded worried about not hearing from me for so long. he also said we can meet up this week if you want? it annoys me he always puts that on there like he wont admit he wants to see me or he's putting it on me all the time.

I ignored the email since i was at work. Then bc I was busy after work didn't email back. Then i got text saying similar. Thats different usually he just emails then waits for me to get back even if it takes days. The text said 'would i like to meet up this week? make sure we got everything covered?' then a bit about him. I feel like again he's using this excuse to see me and cant tell if he really wants to or what?! So maybe I should just act as if he does want to see me assuming otherwise he wouldn't ask or be bothered.

i didn't respond as I've had a bit to drink and didnt want to say anything I'd regret later. But feel bad that he sounded worried but I still didn't respond.

My thoughts are that I'll say Ill meet up and let him know when I'm free, and not give any weekend days. I wonder if I'm being too accommodating tho?

I half feel like just saying what do you want to meet for? what do we need to make sure is covered?

Ok I'm just rambling now...

Ill rethink about it all again in the morning and reread the good advice in these post with a clear head, will take on board any thoughts or suggestions tho?

I've had comments that its like I'm playing a game now, but then I feel like I have to play this way as just saying what I want straight out isn't and won't work.

[orchid01]

Hey Hopeful,

Glad to see you took your time responding. Good Job!

I just wanted to say that I totally relate to your being annoyed at H always adding "if YOU want to" or some such nonsense statement.

I decided my H says that to me bc - of the 2 of us, only I am clear about what I want. He has no clue as to what he is doing and what he wants....I keep thinking of him as the deranged homeless man....and all of a sudden it makes sense that he would always add that statement!

Imagine a homeless deranged man having a lucid moment and asking to meet up? I think his insecurity would make him add "if you want to".

Know what I mean? I wish you a great day tomorrow!

[hopeful_cb]

Orchid,
Yeah maybe your right and I just need to disregard that part and forget about it trying to make sense. Maybe it is insecurity, maybe he doesnt know if I want to, so adds that in. Anyway, while it does annoy me I'm not going to waste anymore time trying to figure it out. Thanks for the well wishes!