In my opinion, it doesn't matter why a person goes to Retrouvaille, as long as the go with an open mind and a willing heart. Reasons don't matter to the outcome of the weekend. It is a gestalt kind of thing. It is an experience, not a logical argument. If it works, you know it right away. It happens on an emotional level, not by reasoning. Fingers still crossed.
If she choses not to go to Retro, then that's a pretty clear sign she's not for Option #1....IMHO.
Yep! ... but...
she just walked in the door, looking like she had been crying a bit. She had been at work for the evening, and then been sitting in the car for a long while before coming in.
I gave her space for a while, then told her that I noticed that she had been upset and asked if there was anything she wanted to talk about.
She had been on the phone with the Retrouvaille hosts. She placed the call.
I asked if she and the host had reached a conclusion, and her reply was "I'm still not convinced it can help. I guess no one ever comes away from it saying "I wish I hadn't done it". I am not looking forward to it. But the are expecting us to come"
So she took action and placed the call, and did not tell the hosts no. Right now she is hesitant, is scared, feels some duress, but is going.
Although I am still looking at the mediation option, I have not mentioned anything to her since Saturday night. I'll let that one sit for a bit.
Last edited by Thinker; 07/14/0902:09 AM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
In my opinion, it doesn't matter why a person goes to Retrouvaille, as long as the go with an open mind and a willing heart.
Hi Sara,
I have to admit that the two parts you mention above - an Open Mind and a willing heart trouble me a bit.
Right now I don't see my W's mind as being open to new ideas or new thoughts about the R. In fact, I see her aggressively close off ideas and thoughts that come from me or from our C.
I also don't see her heart as being open. I have spent a long time bouncing off a high, strong wall she has built around it.
I am optimistic, but for these reasons my expectations are somewhat reduced.
Thanks for your continued support and advice - it really helps.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Yes, those are the words that scared me before we went. I saw them in the letter, and I thought, "Oh no!, We can't go. He'll never agree to that." But I imagine she has already heard those words. The Retrouvaille person she spoke to almost certainly used them when he spoke to her. You've done a tremendous job in not over-pushing this. She's agreed to go. I like what she said, "I guess no one ever comes away from it saying "I wish I hadn't done it." It's OK to go with that little enthusiasm. Just walk in the door, make it through the first night, and then things will start to get better.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
My mind and my "heart" was so closed to my H when I was in an EA that I could not stand to be in the same room with him or talk about our R. Which was unusual b/c I had always been the one to bring up any problems. I think that is discussed in Dr. Gary Smalley's book, "Love is a Choice" and it described me to a Tee! I was not in the right place to accept the reading in his book at that time b/c I wanted to argue that Love was a Choice!
She seems to really be battling going to Retro, but it may be b/c she just feels so "done" with the M and she is worn out and ready for it to be over with. That is what I'm seeing from what you've described.
I hope both of you will go but I don't want you to expect a miracle right then. Something great may happen to open up her heart.....and if it does, then there is a great chance of reconciling......but if not....then it will take the duration of hard work. Let's pray she'll go and that she will continue with the sessions.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If you have been following, you have noticed the large number of times I have been caught off-guard and baffled recently at my W's exclamations of "Why are you so selfish! Why is everything always all about you! etc" - normally precipitated by almost minuscule disagreements.
I've noticed too, and have been thinking about it.
The disagreements themselves are not material - the exclamations are not about those.
And the exclamations are so consistent and so frequent that this has to be the core of my W's anger and frustration with the M.
I have trouble with it because it conflicts with my own beliefs about myself - with my own resentment and feeling that I have been sacrificing myself for my W and my family - until recently taking care of everyone else but me.
But with my C's help today, I think I see it a bit more clearly. From my W's point of view, I called the shots through most of our M. It was my job, my career that moved us around, my (louder and more strongly stated) opinions that got heard, etc. Regardless of how I see the past and my view on what happened, she feels like she didn't have a say. She feels her opinions and beliefs and desires were not respected and valued. She feels that our married life was about me, and not about her.
My version of our history is a bit different, and I don't take full blame as she likes to apportion it. Some of what she is seeing is history rewritten, but in many ways, she is right...
It seems so obvious in hindsight.
So at least this helps me understand where the outbursts are coming from.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
That's good. But don't take it too personally. We are all selfish. It is all about each of us. It is hard to view things through another's eyes unless they tell you about it. Communication is the key.
Much of her "blaming" you for things is because of the OM.
If she had some valid points, then make sure they are corrected, but when she goes off and vents about how you can only think about yourself, it comes down to one thing - CONTROL!
She's trying to control you and your actions. She doesn't want to fess up to her own crimes and needs someone to be the scapegoat. Don't believe it. My W was the same way and said the same things until I told her enough was enough.
You can't assume blame for how your R went and anyway, your actions in no way excuse her for cheating. This is all part of the script.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
