I came to this website looking for advice too. I feel presumptuous dispensing it. I guess there are a lot of people that will try, in their own way, to help you on this blog. Just remember that they are not experts (they are all flailing like you and me) and take everything with a grain of salt.
However, there is a school of thought here that has begun to help me after three or four days of blogging. Maybe the stars are finally aligning in my head, but posting does seem to help.
Based on your earlier posts, you have a lot of stress factors in your life in addition to the divorce: history of drugs, no full time job, no place to live in about a month.
In a lot of ways, this is probably going get worse before it gets better in terms of the pressures that you will face. I thought that I had problems in my break up, but they pale in comparison to yours. I would recommend that you get a professional counselor of your own for your own sake. It is going to be very tough to get through this period without an experienced, regular, and predictable sounding board. It may be expensive, but, if you have a health plan, most of it will be covered.
Everyone of this site is a fan of Divorce Busting and/or Divorce Remedy. I have only read the latter. It does make sense to me in several ways. By the way, I am not a shill for this website or the author.
I guess that, if you have proof positive that there is an affair going on, you have to decide whether or not you are going to accept her behavior. You don't need forensic evidence; common sense (not guesswork) should tell you what's really going on. She sounds like she has abandoned the marital bed, and she has abandoned her children to pursue the affair. She has really crapped on you. It's okay to be angry. I'd really be PO'ed in your situation.
The premise of the books appears to be that you can only control yourself, and you cannot control your spouse. Your spouse has to wake up, smell the coffee, and want to be with you. Before she gets to that point, she sounds like she has a very, very, very, very, very (is that enough "very's") long way to go.
If I were in your shoes, I would probably be talking to a lawyer to sort out a separation. You can always decide to forgive her, accept the affair for what it is, and reconcile if she changes her behavior down the road, but you are going to remain her doormat until you set some well-defined limits. She does not sound like she repsects you, and she does not sound like she is in a place where she is even aware of your efforts to improve, let alone truly acknowledge them. You sound sincere and desperate, and I know the feeling of helplessness that you are experiencing (this is my second divorce).
I'd draw a line in the sand, get an attorney, and ask her to move out and leave the kids. You can still try to be amicable and not get hateful even if you end up getting a divorce. If things change, you can always forgive and do counselling together down the road, but she is not acting like she is married to you anymore.
This may be heresy, but...
I wish you luck. I've got to get some shut-eye.
M 57 W 52 Married 12, Together 14 No kids by this marriage 2nd marriage for both
