Yep, another WAW - in last resort

[lonelywolf]

Tolstoy wrote "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Yet, after reading "The Divorce Remedy" and browsing the boards here, it's become quite clear a lot of unhappy families are alike as well.

I came here because, after typing in "I need to save my marriage" on a web search, I came across the article on WAWs and it perfectly described what happened to me. About six months ago, she stopped complaining. And then, it became clear that this summer was when she was planning on leaving me and taking the kids.

Let me back up.

I have been working on a PhD for the last six years. I've been married for 11 years, 4 kids (D10, S7, S2, S9 months). Her parents have never liked me, going so far as to call me an idiot to my face in front of my wife and kids, and to tell her that I was going to have affairs with the freshman students I was teaching while working my way through grad school.

I graduated, and despite have many publications, ten years teaching experience, and a PhD from a top 20 program in a prestigious university, 80% of the jobs I applied for came with the same reply: "Sorry. Due to economy our budget has been cut and we aren't hiring this year." I did get some interviews and campus visits, but nothing came of it.

My father has a small, seasonal business and he's recovering from chemotherapy, so he asked me to come help him for the summer. So, our plan was that I would go work for my dad for the summer while I continued to apply for jobs. Her parents said they wanted to spend some time with the grandkids over the summer, so we also planned to have my wife and kids spend a month or two with her parents. We're on opposite ends of the continent.

If all else failed, my father teaches high school most of the year, and he told me they were always short on substitute teachers. There's also a community college in my hometown that I could likely get adjunct teaching and tutoring work. If all else failed, I would do that over the winter, staying at my parents place (with all the kids out of the house, they don't use the upstairs anymore and they said they'd lease it to us) with my family while I waited to reapply for academic jobs (which in my field, usually get listed in October, but don't start until the next August).

After I got here, my wife e-mailed me and said that she wasn't going to come out to my parents place, and that our family wasn't going to reunite until I had a job, a place to live, and all my debt (credit cards and student loans) paid off. This, of course, would take years. The e-mail was also so relentlessly negative, I was sure she was just warming up for a divorce.

So, I did what everyone else seems to do. I freaked and sent wave after wave of e-mails, phone messages, etc. I sent flowers. I begged and pleaded. It seemed to work for a day or two, as we talked on the phone for over an hour and it was the most heartfelt discussion we'd ever had.

My mother, however, was smarter than I. She kept telling me to give my wife space and back off. Let her work through her issues. I didn't, of course. So, a week after the first e-mail, she sent me a "I'm filing for a divorce" e-mail.

And I couldn't argue with it. She listed everything I'd ever done wrong over the last 11 years of marriage. And I agreed. I hadn't listened to her as much as I should have. Some of our debt is my fault and I never should have bought those things (none of this was huge expensive items - we're talking small purchases like used books or CDs or protein powders - but they add up over time). I get angry and yell when pushed. I should spend more time with the kids (though I do spend time with them, just not enough in her mind).

She declared she was tired of it all, and since I would never change, she was leaving.

Again, I freaked even worse and left messages and sent e-mails that promised things I'd never be able to do (I'll never screw up again! I'll sell everything I own! I'll be perfect on everything!) of course, she didn't respond. Her parents turned off their ringer and started screening their calls.

Now, her parents hate me and have tried to get her to leave me before (even once telling her they were going to write her out of the will for being married to me). They hate me because I had student loans - my parents never could afford to pay for my college, whereas my wife's parents paid for hers - in her parent's eyes, having to get loans for college meant you were from *that* class of people you weren't supposed to associate with.

So, I have no doubt they will pay for a good lawyer and push her to get divorced as soon as possible. My only consolation and hope is that legally, she can't file for divorce until September. That gives me some time.

Anway, after reading "the Divorce remedy" I'm in the last resort mode. I should have listened to my mother. I've stopped e-mailing and calling. I'm letting her work it out herself.

At some point, I will have to contact her. I can't really head out to where she is as we are on opposite ends of the continent, the season here isn't done yet, and if I did I'm sure she'd freak and move in with some relatives in a different state, or try to get a restraining order (even though there would be no grounds for that - there's no violence in our history).

I'm willing to admit it's mostly my fault, and I've decided to get some anger management counseling. I'm also going to make sure the credit cards are entirely paid off by the end of the summer. I just hope that doing that can prove something, and she might at least postpone the divorce filing. I could live with a separation at this point, but she's clearly so angry and bitter at me for not listening to her for the last few years (and with her parents, where's she's staying, pushing her to leave me), I may not get even that. She's in a no-fault divorce state, so there's not much I could do to delay the proceedings, and even if I were to not fight, the court filing and attorney fees are more than I can really afford.

So, for the next month or so, I'll just have to focus on myself and making myself a better person. I have until September to face the reality of how badly I screwed up.

In the past, it was always vague requests "pay more attention to the family" or "spend less" followed by just as vague promises. Since she stopped complaining a few months ago, I assumed I had finally found the right amount of whatever. Now I know its because she had been planning to leave me for that entire time.

I've been such an idiot. As many others on this board have said, this shouldn't be what it took to wake me up, but apparently it was.