Yep, another WAW - in last resort

[lonelywolf]

Tolstoy wrote "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Yet, after reading "The Divorce Remedy" and browsing the boards here, it's become quite clear a lot of unhappy families are alike as well.

I came here because, after typing in "I need to save my marriage" on a web search, I came across the article on WAWs and it perfectly described what happened to me. About six months ago, she stopped complaining. And then, it became clear that this summer was when she was planning on leaving me and taking the kids.

Let me back up.

I have been working on a PhD for the last six years. I've been married for 11 years, 4 kids (D10, S7, S2, S9 months). Her parents have never liked me, going so far as to call me an idiot to my face in front of my wife and kids, and to tell her that I was going to have affairs with the freshman students I was teaching while working my way through grad school.

I graduated, and despite have many publications, ten years teaching experience, and a PhD from a top 20 program in a prestigious university, 80% of the jobs I applied for came with the same reply: "Sorry. Due to economy our budget has been cut and we aren't hiring this year." I did get some interviews and campus visits, but nothing came of it.

My father has a small, seasonal business and he's recovering from chemotherapy, so he asked me to come help him for the summer. So, our plan was that I would go work for my dad for the summer while I continued to apply for jobs. Her parents said they wanted to spend some time with the grandkids over the summer, so we also planned to have my wife and kids spend a month or two with her parents. We're on opposite ends of the continent.

If all else failed, my father teaches high school most of the year, and he told me they were always short on substitute teachers. There's also a community college in my hometown that I could likely get adjunct teaching and tutoring work. If all else failed, I would do that over the winter, staying at my parents place (with all the kids out of the house, they don't use the upstairs anymore and they said they'd lease it to us) with my family while I waited to reapply for academic jobs (which in my field, usually get listed in October, but don't start until the next August).

After I got here, my wife e-mailed me and said that she wasn't going to come out to my parents place, and that our family wasn't going to reunite until I had a job, a place to live, and all my debt (credit cards and student loans) paid off. This, of course, would take years. The e-mail was also so relentlessly negative, I was sure she was just warming up for a divorce.

So, I did what everyone else seems to do. I freaked and sent wave after wave of e-mails, phone messages, etc. I sent flowers. I begged and pleaded. It seemed to work for a day or two, as we talked on the phone for over an hour and it was the most heartfelt discussion we'd ever had.

My mother, however, was smarter than I. She kept telling me to give my wife space and back off. Let her work through her issues. I didn't, of course. So, a week after the first e-mail, she sent me a "I'm filing for a divorce" e-mail.

And I couldn't argue with it. She listed everything I'd ever done wrong over the last 11 years of marriage. And I agreed. I hadn't listened to her as much as I should have. Some of our debt is my fault and I never should have bought those things (none of this was huge expensive items - we're talking small purchases like used books or CDs or protein powders - but they add up over time). I get angry and yell when pushed. I should spend more time with the kids (though I do spend time with them, just not enough in her mind).

She declared she was tired of it all, and since I would never change, she was leaving.

Again, I freaked even worse and left messages and sent e-mails that promised things I'd never be able to do (I'll never screw up again! I'll sell everything I own! I'll be perfect on everything!) of course, she didn't respond. Her parents turned off their ringer and started screening their calls.

Now, her parents hate me and have tried to get her to leave me before (even once telling her they were going to write her out of the will for being married to me). They hate me because I had student loans - my parents never could afford to pay for my college, whereas my wife's parents paid for hers - in her parent's eyes, having to get loans for college meant you were from *that* class of people you weren't supposed to associate with.

So, I have no doubt they will pay for a good lawyer and push her to get divorced as soon as possible. My only consolation and hope is that legally, she can't file for divorce until September. That gives me some time.

Anway, after reading "the Divorce remedy" I'm in the last resort mode. I should have listened to my mother. I've stopped e-mailing and calling. I'm letting her work it out herself.

At some point, I will have to contact her. I can't really head out to where she is as we are on opposite ends of the continent, the season here isn't done yet, and if I did I'm sure she'd freak and move in with some relatives in a different state, or try to get a restraining order (even though there would be no grounds for that - there's no violence in our history).

I'm willing to admit it's mostly my fault, and I've decided to get some anger management counseling. I'm also going to make sure the credit cards are entirely paid off by the end of the summer. I just hope that doing that can prove something, and she might at least postpone the divorce filing. I could live with a separation at this point, but she's clearly so angry and bitter at me for not listening to her for the last few years (and with her parents, where's she's staying, pushing her to leave me), I may not get even that. She's in a no-fault divorce state, so there's not much I could do to delay the proceedings, and even if I were to not fight, the court filing and attorney fees are more than I can really afford.

So, for the next month or so, I'll just have to focus on myself and making myself a better person. I have until September to face the reality of how badly I screwed up.

In the past, it was always vague requests "pay more attention to the family" or "spend less" followed by just as vague promises. Since she stopped complaining a few months ago, I assumed I had finally found the right amount of whatever. Now I know its because she had been planning to leave me for that entire time.

I've been such an idiot. As many others on this board have said, this shouldn't be what it took to wake me up, but apparently it was.

[changed4good]

I feel for you lonelywolf. WAW is something that I just found out about recently but it is very applicable to my situation as well. Like you, I feel responsible and torn up about "what I should have done." I also spent several weeks sending flowers and e-mails, etc...asking for forgiveness and another chance, when I should have listened to MY mother and left her alone. My situation is no clouded even further by a manipulating OM who bought her a bluetooth and flew her out to be with him. He has basically convinced her that she needs to leave me, when I am now most ready to do the necessary work to make our relationship last. I wish I could tell you how to repair things, but I don't have any answers either. I seem to be learning from my mistakes, and that is a start. All I can tell you is it isn't ALL your fault. It takes two to make a relationship work, even in the hard times, and if you keep working on yourself, hopefully she will notice and come around. If not, then there may have been some irreconceilable differences under the surface that would have sabotaged things eventually. Dont' give up, but don't give in either.

[lonelywolf]

Thanks, it's nice to know other people do care. I'm certainly learning a lot of empathy for people in my situation.

I'm 99.99% sure there's no OM in this case, though I would guess the financial stability offered by her parents "sort-of" makes them something like a sugar daddy in comparison to me.

I am definitely going to make some changes in my life so that I become a better person. Even if it doesn't get her back, paying off the credit cards can only do me good, and I could certainly learn how to control my temper (not violent, but yelling certainly doesn't endear one to others).

[lonelywolf]

Just thinking out loud -
between the graduation, the lack of a job, and a new kid, my wife may be suffering from some sort of PPD combined with a serious fear of what the future may hold. I don't know if actually landing a good job would help or not though. She's in a very negative place. A lot of the posts on these boards seem to indicate it's likely the spouse is not as negative as her words would indicate, but I just don't know. I do know her parents can't be helping.

I'm writing the kids letters every week, and they aren't turning those away, so that's something.

[lonelywolf]

One interesting development, the pastor/bishop/whatever/clergy dude in charge of the church she's attending with her parents actually gave me a call and said that she had actually talked with her about me, and he had encouraged her to call me and try to work it out. However, that was the day before she told me she wanted a divorce - I wonder if I had backed off and not sent a dozen e-mails and left half a dozen phone messages that same day, if she might have heeded his advice.

The clergy dude said he'd keep encouraging her to work it out rather than run straight to divorce, so there's that at least (though I doubt she's listening to anyone but her parents at this point).

Well, barring an emergency, I'm holding off contacting her until next month, since I'm in last resort. Clearly, bombarding her with e-mails and messages is a cheeseless tunnel.

I just know our two oldest kids will breakdown and freak out once she lets them know, though I doubt it will move her. I can even imagine S7's reaction - he'll promise to be good and never mess up again if only she'll let me come back. He's rather sensitive and doesn't like conflict. He can't stand to watch cartoons or TV at all because he doesn't like the conflict (I took him to see "UP" and he said he didn't like it because there was fighting and the only part he liked was the end when everyone was okay).

[Gardener]

Lonely wolf,
Sorry for your painful time. The very beginning is always the most painful time. Random thoughts: you're off to a good start with Last Resort. Don't waiver, do more. It takes time so be patient. You've just begun a marathon run. Be the tortoise, not the hare.

Clergydude may well be a positive introspective influence for her. Clergydude will probably not let her get away with venting, staying negative and rewriting your history. At the very least, clergydude may well cancel out in-laws.

Read, read, read. These posts, esp. people who resonate with you. Read Quotes on Divorcebusting (II) near the top of this forum. Perhaps check out WAW Forum for your wife's (probable) pain and situation. Post a lot. Journal. Vent.

Despite the economy and job market, your employment situation and finances and credit may add up to a respect issue on your wife's part, but I'll defer to the ladies on this matter when they post.

Last Resort Techniques is the key for now. It is triage. Take care of yourself physically, mentally, spiritually. You need that now. You need you now.
Strength and courage.

[InLikeFlynn]

What state are you in? And do you have a lawyer yet?

[lonelywolf]

No, no lawyer yet. Can't really afford one, but I'm sure I'll have to get one at some point. Since, legally, she can't even file until mid-September (and even then the court can't make a final decision for another 60 days), I have a bit to wait and see if I really need one.

Clergydude told me lawyers aren't much good unless you're going to fight for full custody, since the no-fault laws in the state are pretty liberal. You can delay the divorce a little, but you can't stop it if the spouse wants out.

Frankly, I may want visitation, but I have to admit that, living with her parents, my kids are financially taken care of, so I doubt I will fight for custody. I love my kids, but honestly, they'll be taken care of if they stay with her and her parents, whereas my situation is currently unknown. Perhaps if I have a solid job by September, I'll fight for more rights. I'll just have to see. Right now, its so fresh and new that I'm a little unsure what to do. For now, I'm making only what contact is absolutely necessary, and taking care of myself. If I can pay off all the debt by the end of the season, I'll be in a much better place, regardless of what my wife decides. Plus, that'll free up more income to take care of our kids.

[lonelywolf]

Gardener: Thank you for the advice. I'm reading and reading all over the boards, and have been checking out the other threads. I don't really feel like I have much to say in any of them, but they are alternatively helpful and discouraging. But I'm learning a lot about how to become a better man.

Hopefully its not too late. I'm praying a lot more than I used to. I'm applying for jobs everyday, so hopefully something will come of it.

[lonelywolf]

Surfed a bit in the WAS forums.

Ouch.

If this is what my wife is feeling, I may be in a lot of trouble. I honestly thought I was doing what was right, though as I look back I realize a lot of it was self-deception on my part. My illusions are being stripped away. But I doubt she's going to believe me on this - she even said "you've told me in the past you'd change, and you never did."

Well, when the requests for change are vague, the response may be vague. Not that that helps me any now. I just hope I can show her some real change before she files.