Oh, and regarding "no contact with OM since 6/4" thing. Not only should you tell her that she doesn't score any special points for merely MAINTAINING HER WEDDING VOWS, but you also need to say "I wish I could believe that." You should tell her that because she has lied to you so much, she needs to rebuild her trust with you, and you can't just believe that just because she says so, and that that is a specific consequence of her having an affair.
I know some will disagree with me on this, and it will be considered "pushing her away," but I think it's just plain "consequences." I don't think we do our loved ones any favors when we rescue them from them, and you've already indicated that you've done way too MUCH of that in your marriage, not too LITTLE.
I have a saying, that was taught to me: "Never rescue an adulterer from the consequences of their adultery." To have gone in there immediately and comforted her tonite would have been to do just that. You made the right call.
