lowneil - DO NOT give in. She is trying to make you feel guilty by saying that to the kids. It is HER decision to move downstairs. All you did was move back to the bed where you belong.
EXACTLY.
Neil, seriously -- this one isn't even tough. You will have decisions WAY harder than THIS one, trust me.
Thanks for the support guys. She is sobbing asking me how I can treat her like nothing and like she is a whore. She says no one wants her ( another reference to the OM dropping her for his wife). Man she is playing the guilt card. Maybe I will take the kids out for some dinner.
One thing that would be okay to say to her Neil is "I'm sorry to see you hurting so much." THAT'S IT. Not "I'm sorry he dropped you," not "I'm sorry if my moving to MY OWN BED upset you," none of that. Just "I hate to see you hurting" or "I'm sorry to see you hurting." If she tries to say it's YOUR fault! say "I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm going to get a bite to eat with the kids, we won't be long."
Ok, I she did get me to sit down with her and kept asking why are you doing this to me? Asked me how I could let her cry with out holding her.
She was saying all she ever wanted was for me to love her, no one loves her. She is being tossed aside.
I finally got out of there by saying I needed to go get some work done.
Puppy,
The understatement of the year is that she is not used to me standing up for myself. I have been the caretaker of her feelings for far too long. I have always tried to make her happy...talk about co-dependent.
I just kept saying I'm sorry your hurting so much. I've been thinking about a lot of things and I made the decision to move back into by bed.
She asked me if I was going to behave this way during the divorce...I'm going to dinner now.
Thanks everyone, will update later.
Me 38 / W 37 M 14 yrs S 11/S8 First Bomb: 3/6/2009 EA Second Bomb: 6/4/2009 PA Same House Separate Rooms
Ok, I she did get me to sit down with her and kept asking why are you doing this to me? Asked me how I could let her cry with out holding her.
She was saying all she ever wanted was for me to love her, no one loves her. She is being tossed aside.
Oh please!!!
So is she crying because you've decided to move back into your own bed, or because her boyfriend dumped her???
Is there anything else you're leaving out here??? Unless you have TOTALLY and COMPLETELY catered to this woman, her reaction seems way over the top, even for a fogged out wayward.
Got back from dinner and came upstairs to my office. W started sobbing and wanted to know why I was treating her this way. What has she done, she has had no contact with OM since 6/4/09 etc... this continued for almost two hours.
She wanted me to hold her and comfort her. I just sat there and kept saying I'm sorry your upset. She then proceeded to tell me I made her feel the same way he did...used and discarded like a piece of trash. She has no self esteem...everything is my fault for making her feel this way.
She pulled the sex card and said how much Friday night (the night we had sex for the first time in months) meant so much to her. She gave herself to me and now I was treating her like a whore.
She said she was thinking today, how we might acutally make it before I dropped this information and let her cry without comforting her.
It continues and she says that's it...you've won. I'll stay. You hold all the cards. You make a lot of money, I make $10/hr. etc. I gave you 18 years, raised kids, was a good Mom and W.
I tell her I need a break and that this conversation is over. She follows me downstairs and proceeds to tell our kids that I'm going to make sure she is penniless and they won't have a place to live, food to eat...etc.
Give me a break. I'm not the one who wants a divorce, had an EA and PA etc..
I'm sure I made some mistakes tonight. But, I didn't do my usual it's my fault, I'm sorry, I'll make sure everything is OK.
Any input would be appreciated.
Thanks.
Me 38 / W 37 M 14 yrs S 11/S8 First Bomb: 3/6/2009 EA Second Bomb: 6/4/2009 PA Same House Separate Rooms
One of the tenets of DBing is "no R talk", but I think you need to make an exception and sit down with her.
I think you need to tell her that you're sorry, but you don't consider "keeping your wedding vows for 5 weeks" to be worthy of some sort of marital merit badge.
I think you need to tell her that YOU don't appreciate being cheated on, and then lied to, and then made to feel like YOU'RE the bad guy when you want to sleep in your own bed.
Tell her you love her (another supposed "no-no" of DBing, but I think you should reassure her here), that you DON'T want a divorce, that you DO want to work on your marriage, but only if it's with a healthy balance of each other's emotional needs.
I do think you need to validate how she feels about the sex -- that is very important to a woman, emotionally, and she probably does feel "used" in that regard (not saying it's right, but only that's how SHE perceives it).
But you ALSO need to tell her that MAKE NO MISTAKE, you will NOT tolerate her bringing the children into this, and saying the things that she's said to them about you "making her penniless," etc. That's is ABUSE, and that when it comes to your kids, you will do what is necessary to remove them from such a toxic environment, and is that clear???" (and I mean really LOOK HER IN THE EYES when you say this part)
I would tell her that it absolutely BREAKS YOUR HEART to hear her crying, and to see her in pain, but that you don't think it's good FOR EITHER ONE OF YOU for you to rescue her from pain that she self-inflicted "by deciding to have an affair."
Then I would hold her, I would kiss her squarely on the forehead, and say "let's talk more about this later," and then leave the room.
Oh, and regarding "no contact with OM since 6/4" thing. Not only should you tell her that she doesn't score any special points for merely MAINTAINING HER WEDDING VOWS, but you also need to say "I wish I could believe that." You should tell her that because she has lied to you so much, she needs to rebuild her trust with you, and you can't just believe that just because she says so, and that that is a specific consequence of her having an affair.
I know some will disagree with me on this, and it will be considered "pushing her away," but I think it's just plain "consequences." I don't think we do our loved ones any favors when we rescue them from them, and you've already indicated that you've done way too MUCH of that in your marriage, not too LITTLE.
I have a saying, that was taught to me: "Never rescue an adulterer from the consequences of their adultery." To have gone in there immediately and comforted her tonite would have been to do just that. You made the right call.
