I don't really know how to separate a couple of ongoing threads in my life.
I know that I've got a battle that I have to fight with clinical depression. I saw my shrink and asked him to switch me to a new medication. Today was ther first day of the transition. I hope to feel that it has some effect. The depression was a major factor in the last two years that wore out my wife. She was also depressed but refused to engage in ongoing therapy.
I know that I am not a failure as a husband and partner. or as a person. It just did not work out. No one is alone to blame. I think that we both gave it a good shot.
I know that I could do a better job. That's what rankles me so. I really want to try again in a most sincere way, but, as everyone keeps saying, it is out of my control. If she wants to try someday, then it is up to her. Maybe if everybody keeps telling me the same message, it will finally sink in. My gut is beginning to tell me that, based on how she bears a grudge, she is not going to change her mind. She can be very stubborn and opinionated about things. She does not like it when somebody tells her that she is wrong.
Consciously, I've been trying to get out regularly to exercise, read, walk dogs at the pound, and spend as much time as possible with my adult children. They are an incredible source of support. I have also treid to renew some old friendships via the phone and email.
Meeting people will take more time. I've done a couple of social events with the club that I joined, and I plan to get out and do a couple more.
This whole process reminds of AA and twelve step programs in a very good way. Lots of support, very little judgment, lots of people in the same boat trying to get better.
M 57 W 52 Married 12, Together 14 No kids by this marriage 2nd marriage for both
