I also have a list of I guess you can call them "goals" of things that when I see will be good steps. Sloooowly I am seeing some things and am keeping track. None are being done consistently yet by any stretch but they are good signs IMO. Still, I know I can't focus on that and just keep doing what I am doing and knowing that anything could happen.
Hi there, not sure if you read my thread...it's sort of everywhere. Long story short....we had problems. I didn't realize how serious they were until he wanted to separate. Then I learn about the EA. EA is now over, H just told me last night he wants to come home but needs some time to figure out how to do the U-turn back home. So, my advice, wait this out. Let him do whatever it is he needs to do with your boundaries in place. Live your life as if you KNOW he's going to snap out of this, because chances are, he will. You can do this. You already are!
Quick question - any advice on discussing finances with an MLCer who has the typical spending habits? He needs to be reminded the kids need to eat! Any suggestions?
Always, Just read through your thread. It sounds like you have had a lot of positives. Thanks for the advice/confirmation to just wait it out. That really is about all I can do I guess. I'm just trying to keep my mouth shut as much as possible when I should and just keep doing what I am doing. I do think he will come out of it eventually. The question is how long . . .
Yes. Can you set up a once a week business meeting? It best done face to face, but otherwise, email works too. Lay it all out, what money goes where and when. Also use that time for who's picking up who for what event and from where to go home or the next place etc. And most importantly, if you can and trust the MLCer, ask them to organize the money and bills. That's what worked for me. There was damage done to a credit card, but not our accounts and I consider myself very very lucky there. In my case, I still organized the bills, but he got to see where all the money was going all the time. I even had him pay the bills, online. So we were in it together and he could see that.
Well, I don't really consider myself to be reconciling at this point. I'm still ready for whatever could come next because I have learned, you just don't know and there could be anything around the corner.
My H left home to move in with a friend in late November. He has his own place now and says he still needs a couple of months to figure things out. So it's was 8 months before my H said he wanted to come home. But honestly at this point, if he said I want to come home NOW, I would say no. We still have a lot to figure out, work out and do. As a couple and as individuals. So not out of the woods yet, but things have been good to great. He's making an effort and making decisions with me in mind.
What are some of the things you are seeing out of your H in terms of "whacky behavior"?
The bills. I tried what Almost is suggesting and it worked for a while. My H's crazy spending has been more responsible than most, Thank God for small favors, but it is hard to talk to them about it. And often, they don't seem to remember later. My H knows what the bills are but doesn't care too much what happens to the other money. At least he didn't. Now he understands that it is important for me to have a cushion, and we finally have one in the account. He isn't spending much but he does choose not to say much to me about his small purchases anymore although they add up. I was advised to separate the finances and protect myself, but that was something I haven't done. I don't know if I'm being stupid but I felt like I had to give him trust SOMEWHERE and he hasn't run us into the poor house yet. LOL.
What did seem to help was telling him how much I needed each week, for gas, spending, and food. Then we agreed on how much he could take each week. The rest other than bills is left alone unless we discuss it. Seems to be working the best. We also have a ledger that all deposits and withdrawls get kept track of (his idea). We both know how much is there and what is being spent and where. We each have our "allowance" which isn't really much and basically what we do with that money is up to each of us.
You mentioned how long? Do your best not to focus on that. If you do, it can get really depressing. We were out last night and saw MIL for second time in almost 2 years. H was downright shocked that it had been that long. So that tells me he has no idea how long this has all been going on. You just find your strength everyday and move forward. And remember, even though you want him home, you really want him to finish this as hard as it is to watch and live through. Because you do NOT want him to recycle again down the road.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I agree. I was prepared to do this for as long as it took. Then there were days I wanted to quit. I have two very good friends who know both of us, me and H and they were the ones who lit the candles for me, when it was really really dark and told me not to quit. But another DBer here has a friend who was the one who went through the crisis and it lasted for years. She said that thinking back to that time, it's very foggy and she's not really sure where the time went and what she was doing then.....sort of like living in a dream. That's why the GALing part of this is so important. Let's say things didn't work out....in the end if you are out there, doing your thing, GALing, you won't look back and say "Man, I wasted all that time" because you didn't. And if it does work out, all the better. But there is no time frame, everyone is different.
Thanks Cat and Almost for your advice on the financial stuff. I am going to come up with a game plan.
I have to say, this hasn't been a good week. The roller coaster is getting to me, the ups and then way downs, the dance we are constantly doing. This is when I start thinking that in a lot of ways it would be easier to stop spinning my wheels and move on and be able to find someone who will treat me the way I deserve and be a man for the kids. Uggh. Yet I know right now that is not the right thing for me to do.
So yesterday I was on my knees asking for a reason to keep going. A couple minutes later H walked in to where I was sitting trying to regroup and carried on a normal conversation with me, giving me a little ray of hope for the future. I don't know. I think I need to spend more time on my knees before I lose focus on what I am doing here.
I do believe that he will come out of it eventually, whenever that is, but the waiting game stinks. And my poor kids . . .
It is ok to go up and down a little. And yes, we all entertain the thought about what would just be "easier". In some ways it would be easier to just start over. Sticking this out, especially with no guarantees of anything, requires you to look at yourself, change yourself in ways you probably never dreamed, and have more patience than most people. Time on your knees is good. The right answers will come for you when you spend time that way. No one can tell you what choice to make, even God, but if you ask, he will show you your choices and you will be able to make your decision from there. And your decision could change down the road. But He is asking you to make a choice.
After the bomb, first I was told to heal, then I was told to make my home, then I was shown that I had to make a choice. The choice actually took me a long time. Once I had, then I was told that I knew what my choice was and it was time to Let Go, and Let God. Well, I thought I had done that, I had but I kept taking it back. I have finally let go completly and am trusting Him to resolve this as He sees fit. So you are being challenged now, but once you choose, things will become easier.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
