Still Wondering How To Handle Things!!

[TRUSTING]

Oh I forgot one thing in response to your last post.

Closure. All of us need closure. We have to accept with these ML'ers that we may never experience it. We have to make closure happen for ourselves. That starts with forgiveness. If we can forgive them for all of what they have done, and that does not mean condone it, we may be able to put some closure on this mess. Forgiveness means basically giving the whole thing to God and letting him take it from here.

[kissak]

Thank you Trusting....I think that is what I need. Closure. I thought I had forgiven him, but looking over the last few days, maybe I havent.

He misses me and tells me that occasionally, but also tells me that he wished he could tell me why he cant come home.

I think that until he can tell me why, I wont have any closure.

Im gonna go try to have a better day today...I cried during church this morning...I hate feeling like this.

[mishka422]

(((Kissak)))

I'm so sorry you are feeling so low and confused. I'm afraid that anything I say right now would probably only sound negative. I just know that you need to find the path that YOU can be at peace with. Whatever you decide, you know I'll be behind you.

You deserve so much better for you and your kids. Your H is living with his demons and has the immaturity to keep you trapped within it. He throws you a bone now and then to keep you on the periphery of his life, without letting you get too close. He doesn't have the capability of being what you need right now, assuming he ever did. Be strong, be beautiful, be YOU!

[Sanderika]

(((((kissak)))))

You are not alone here. I am sending hugs to you, this is hard. I feel your hurt and pain.

I want you to know I am giving up. I have posted a lot of thoughts and feelings on my thread.

I do not want to influence your own very personal decision. I just want you to know where I am at. I think we are all in support of one another's decisions.

For me this is the hardest thing I will ever do. I feel I can't truly go on in the sitch I have been living. I have given my H 47 months to work through his demons and chance after chance after chance to come home. There have been no significant changes. There have been numerous negative behaviors by H that are contributing to the end. I am looking at it that I have been D for 4 years already. The following through is just a mere formality to the end. The end was a long time ago. I am going to continue to love him, I would not know how not to love him. I need to cut the strings that keep us tied together. It is really no more complicated than that.

Perhaps you will pop over to my thread and follow along.

There are some things that no matter how hard we try we can't change or repair. I have come to realize my marriage is one of those things for me.

I wish you well, I wish this were easier, I will be here to support you....

(((((kissak)))))

Sanderika

[kissak]

Thank you Mishka for your kind words....feel free though to say whatever it is you think I may need to here whether it be negative or not...sometimes I need to hear those things for it to hit me.

Sanderika, Im sorry that you have decided that you have had enough. I guess you really are going to have to start over on the detaching again, which is hard. Thats what Im trying to do now. I wish you luck and i will pop over to your thread.

I did tell my H last night that I was not taking our son to tkd anymore...or at least for a couple of months, then I would let him decide if he wanted to go back. I told my H that he could talk to son about it if he wanted to (he seemed to not believe me). He thinks its because of the OW there, but honestly she was just the icing on the cake for the decision, she just made it easier to do. I told him that I was sorry that he didnt agree with me, but thats what I was gonna do...he replyed that it was ok, that I didnt need to be sorry and that that was life, we werent always gonna agree on things. (wow)

I found out from my kids that on the way home from the beach with their dad on Saturday, the stopped for lunch with the woman and her son. Of course, they are not dating...not yet anyway. I just hate that he uses the kids to get to know these women...this is the fourth time he has done this with a woman...so Im about ready to ask him if it would be ok if I had lunch with the kids and A guy Im "just friends" with. Since he thinks its ok and all.

I think Im going to check into getting some therapy for myself. Im looking for someone that can help me through this...Im not doing to well on my own.

I think what gets me is the communication my H seems to want to keep with me.

Like today, he texts me all the time If he dont hear from me for an hour or so, he says stuff like "I guess your busy, or you must be busy"

If I dont answer those he texts more and says "I guess you must be really busy"

Its like he needs me talking to him...he needs to know Im still interested in him or somthing...

I had a guy tell me once the he wondered if my H talking to me so much was his way of saying he was sorry for things. That he wants to be my friend and thats the only way he knows how to be sorry.

Made some sense.

Im better today...I do find at times I am very anxious when I think of this New OW. She is a nice lady...I know that dont make it right, but it helps somewhat. But then again, Im nice too...she actually reminds me of me...funny thing is I think My H would have to go back into that "faking it" mode with her...she goes to church and seems like a goodie two shoes...just like my H accused me of being. I dont think he could be himself with her...just my take from knowing her and knowing him.

I think it is really going to help me not seeing him so much anymore...as it will stand now, I will only see him on Tuesdays when he picks up and drops off kids, and every other weekend when he does the same...actually will be weird to be home so much...I really didnt like being home alot in the beginning, but now I can handle it.

Thats ok..Im really doing great on my weightloss...I have gotten off the 25 pounds I had gained back over the past year, now i am going to go past that for about 25 more...thats my goal....when he sees me in a couple of weeks, he will be drooling!!!!! Trust me, I know him...he would never be able to keep his opinions to himself....But Im not doing it for him..Im doing it for me! Makes me feel good! and look good too!!!

I heard this New possible OW was at the beach too on Saturday and had a shirt on over her bathing suit! Ha! She seems insecure to me...just like I was at one time....Anyway, she doesnt have the greatest figure! Sorry...I shouldnt make fun of people....Ill behave now.

Will see how it goes this evening...since my H has no reason to go to tkd now, I wonder what he will be doing with all his free time. I even wonder if he will offer to get kids more since he wont be seeing them as much.

My son told me yesterday that my H was moving his stuff out of storage to put it in an old house that no one is living in that his dad owns...its not livable.....seems he cant even afford the storage costs anymore.

What is he gonna do? He is never going to get out of that camper...It will be years if he is going to do it on his own. Not my problem though to worry about. But I wonder if he will ever open his eyes to see the "big picture"...or will he do it once i have finally moved on with my life.

SOrry, but Im not going to wait forever....I have given him plenty of time and chances.

[mishka422]

SOrry, but Im not going to wait forever....I have given him plenty of time and chances.

So what exactly does that mean for you? Are you going to file or still wait on him to get off his butt and do it? He has been dragging you for so many years C.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it just pains me to see you stuck in this sitch with him.

[kissak]

I know Mishka...Im trying to get to that point, but i have to be sure first. Trust me, I have been battling with that decision for a couple of months now....Im getting closer...Im thinking that therapy will help me too.

I just gotta be sure first.

[mishka422]

Therapy may help you to get your thought processes in order and not spin back on yourself too often. I know it helped me do that.

[kissak]

WEll, Im having a pretty good day today....so far anyway.

Didnt go to tkd last night. Stayed home and enjoyed the time with me kids.

My H called me yesterday at 5 when I got off of work to just say Hello.

He asked what I was going to do tonight?

Said he might go to his fire meeting which he hasnt been to in months, which he did religiously when we were married. Said he might go to that since he guessed there was no TKD (guessed?)

I dont know why he calls me sometimes.

Well last night he wanted to know if I wanted some company....I knew what he was asking...He had asked earlier after his meeting if the kids were asleep yet...I should have known then.

I said no thanks....he was a little bit of a grouch about it, but Im not going down that road with him...if he wants to come over for that kinda of company it has to be that he is living here and not trying to date other women!

He texted me and said that he hoped I had a good nights sleep then!

I just said Good night, he said "yea great".

lol....so funny....lay there and suffer, you did it to yourself.

I have been trying to stay busy. Keep putting up stop signs in my head whenever I think of things that make me anxious.

I have to see him tonight when he gets the kids....will be the last time for at least another week! ONce a week will be good for me.

And maybe he will miss me now.

[WCW]

I know Mishka...Im trying to get to that point, but i have to be sure first. Trust me, I have been battling with that decision for a couple of months now....Im getting closer...Im thinking that therapy will help me too.

I just gotta be sure first.

I so understand how you feel. For many here the decision to file was taken from them and the only choice was to respond to protect themselves or the kids or assetts.

There is another group that have spouses that leave (physically and/or emotionally) but do not file. We don't know their reasons for staying legally connected to us. It seems to leave hope within us that if they don't do anything legally or follow thru on it just maybe they are coming back. That hope doesn't have to be a bad thing!

I've often said it took me a long time to stop spinning my wheels and being stuck in ruts. Finally, I got going and have been moving forward with my life while leaving room for H to come with me.

kissak, the things you are doing - tkd, FB, not txting - it's all fine if it is to make your life better. If it's to get a reaction from your H then you already know that it's the wrong action. What is best for you?

Congrats on the weight loss!!! any special tips to pass along?