I feel like I am operating in a vacuum

[cville22901]

It seems to help my mood to post things on this site.

I’m very reluctant to respond to other strings at this point because I have not totally bought into the divorce-busting philosophy. I guess that I need to give it more time and to follow the script a lot more closely.

If you have read my earlier posts, I have been guilty of some backsliding in terms of disengaging, and I have had a lot of trouble with the concept of going dark. I guess I can understand the reverse psychology of it, but there is a part of me that refuses to let go of my desire to contact my wife. I need to find the will power to do that and to stick to it-somehow.

I am not a very patient person by nature, so I probably am not giving myself enough time. I talked to a counselor today, and he said to expect that it will take about nine months to get over a divorce from a marriage of twelve years at a minimum. It’s only been four months. He said that it is okay to be sad. I am beyond sad in that I have been in a depressed funk for at least two years. I am getting my meds changed, starting today. We’ll see if that helps.

Part of my problem is that I am so focused on the past. I actually find that thinking about the future is very intimidating, and I do not get a lot of pleasure from it. Like everyone else, I’ve seen my retirement get shot to hell. I have a job, but the contract that I manage expires in two years. I am convinced that it will be very, very difficult to find something comparable to what I have now in terms of salary, seniority, and benefits. I live in a university town, and we have PhD’s waiting on tables. It is a ridiculously saturated job market, and I work 65 miles from where I live. At this point in my life, I am very apprehensive about breaking free financially from the marriage, trying to buy a house, and trying to retire at some point when I am about to lose about half of what I own in a divorce. We have not drawn up the papers yet, but that’s where the wife seems to be going.

I guess that there are a lot of positives to be had from living on your own. You don’t have to worry about “room mate” hassles,” you are your own boss, and you can set things up like you prefer. I know that I am capable of these things because I did it before, after a divorce from a marriage where I had three young kids. I know that I can do this. The problem is that I do not yet want to do this. I do not yet want to be on my own. I was comfortable in my marriage, too comfortable; I was complacent, and that is what turned off my wife. I was pedantic and patronizing. Although I loved her in my own fashion, I have come to realize that it was not what she needed.