Looking For Help

[Looking_For_Help]

Puppy,

Thank you for your reply. I do not have proof of an affair...just alot of strange behaviors, actions, and information. I just don't know how to interpret all of this. I keep wondering if I made a mistake about approaching my W with this. Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill.

You're right about continuing to work on my positive changes. I have become a better person b/c of this situation, but I still have alot of work ahead of me. Like Sandi says, "make yourself into a man no woman can leave." If my W doesn't want the new and improved me, maybe someone else will.

Thanks,
LFH

[Looking_For_Help]

Hello Gima

Thanks for your reply. No, I don't have proof of an affair. Today I say this would be a dealbreaker for me; however, I'm not sure what I'd be feeling down the road as I see my family being torn apart. If my W exhibited remorse and had a huge desire to reconcile...who knows...maybe I would be able to forgive. Never say never! Again, I don't want to be borrowing trouble, but it doesn't look good. I held my kids so close to me on the couch last night as we watched a Star Wars movie together. I can't help but be very concerned for my kids. This pain hurts like nothing I've ever experienced.

I'll keep posting,
LFH

[Puppy Dog Tails]

What was the New Jersey charge for?

[givingitmyall]

LFH,

Yeah, I know about the pain. Worst I have been through in my life. But, if there is a silver lining, it has shown me I am a much stronger person than I ever would have believed before. Hopefully, my W sees some of that too - but that is irrelevant to me.

The reason I ask about whether an A would be a deal breaker is b/c that would influence whether or not you tried to find out more. I can't answer that b/c I do not think it is part of my sitch (ANYTHING'S possible - just don't see evid - AND I LOOKED). Don't know if it would have been a dealbreaker for me, but I wanted to know, mostly from a "if this is going on, how do I deal with this" view.

The look v. don't look appears to be one of the big debates here. But, putting that aside for a moment, until you have proof, I think you just keep doing what you are doing and see where it goes. Keep your guard up. But it sounds like you are doing all those things now anyway.

[Looking_For_Help]

Puppy,

Just a cup of coffee. Of course, the amount is of no significance, just the location. Again, my mind may be hyper-active...too many coincidences. Going forward, I'm going to let this go and stop thinking about it. I can't do anything about it anyways and I don't want to cause any more damage if nothing is going on. I may have already caused too much damage...who likes jealousy...it's a pathetic quality. I was never the jealous type until my W dropped the bomb on me! I'll just have to be patient and work on me.

-LFH

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Unfounded jealousy is weakness.

Gathering the necessary intel to protect your interests, and fight for your marriage, is wise, in my opinion.

Was the cup of coffee at the airport by any chance?

[Looking_For_Help]

Puppy,

I agree with your philosophy.

I need to do further investigating through my bank to find out. At this point, I don't have the drive to keep snooping...I'm mentally exhausted. I don't want to cause additional damage. As Sandi says, "don't drive your W into the arms of OM." My W is going to have an affair, if not already, if she so desires. I want to save my marriage by becoming the best I can be. If that's not enough, I'll have to deal with it. I want to take the high road as much as possible.

Thanks,
LFH

[Puppy Dog Tails]

OK.

[Looking_For_Help]

Hello GIMA,

The reason I don't want to try and find out more b/c it may be a cheeseless tunnel for me. If I were to know, does it really change anything I'm doing? I'm not sure. I am now starting to waffle on whether it's a dealbreaker or not, simply b/c of my children. If there were no kids, things would be different. The kids are my weakness when dealing strongly with my W.

Although I am willing to be patient and endure pain for the sake of my kids, I don't know how strong I am or how long I can make it. I want to save my marriage; however, I believe that my W is simply using me at this point to stay with the kids. It's her belief that I would get custody of the kids with a divorce. She probably feels trapped and is resentful. With her next job promotion comes less travel... she'll know about her next promotion within the next 6-12 months. She's just waiting it out until she files is my guess. They say time is on our side, maybe I use this time to demonstrate to W that I can be a great husband. One just never knows? I'm scared and confused...and praying for a miracle. My W is probably just as scared and confused as I am.

Thanks,
LFH

[givingitmyall]

Hey man, I can relate to the scared and confused part - probably MANY here can. You're not alone on that.

The kids are my weakness when dealing strongly with my W.

So, turn it into a strength. I am in the same boat as you. Had there been no kids, no way I would be doing what I am doing, I don't think. But, at the end of this, however it ends, I have to be able to look my kids in the eyes and tell them I did everything I could to save the family and M.

I think you are dead on about using this time to be the best H and father you can be. Don't let yourself try to mindread her - he!!, SHE probably does not understand herself right now - not a slam on her, just reality. On that note, my W admitted to me she did not understand all the reasons her feelings for me had changed. I was finally able to let go of this once I realized (and I think you too are) that her thoughts/reasons/feelings don't matter b/c I am makking changes for me. If she comes back (and I want her back), then that's just the icing on the cake. If not, I know there is someone else out there who I am meant to be with AND with whom I will be happier than I ever have been. It's a win-win (painful maybe, but still an improvement in the long run).

Work on detaching and the pain/confusion/fear will lessen. The fear will go away with detachment. Once you conquer the fear of being D'd, it holds no power over you - which means SHE holds no power over you.