I think if he wants to stay in touch with his best friend I completely get that. I will not be having any contact with her (his best friend's wife) and I'm going to talk with him about the toxicity of their relationship (playing the victim, blaming others). I really think while we're working on things there needs to be no contact period.
If she needs help moving etc later on - then I'm willing to do that but only as long as we do it together.
I really think he got a taste last week of her unstableness and maybe had a little bit of a wake up call about how much she was actually "helping" him.
My son and went home Saturday night. My H was glad to see us. No real conversation about our situation all weekend long. So this morning I asked if we could talk tonight because I'm not going to pretend like the last 12 weeks didn't happen and I want to discuss our plans going forward.
Any suggestions for holding this conversation? I want us to really have a plan for our lives - getting our house organized and house projects done, finances etc., spending time together, how we talk to each other about things that bother us, etc.
Ya know what I would do? Although I would be ready with the short list of "dealbreakers" I asked you about on 7/8, I would just ask him "So, where is your thinking at these days?" --
. . . and shut up and let him talk.
Expect nothing; GIVE nothing, and just LISTEN.
Cuz here's the problem: if you come out leading the convo, guns blazing, with a list of A, B, C, D, E, F and G, guess what he's going to say, if he wants to have any chance with you at all?
"OK, I'll do A, B, C, D, E, F and G."
Now is not a time for close-ended questions, but just one or two very good OPEN-ended questions like:
"So, where is your thinking at these days?"
or,
"What are your intentions regarding our marriage?"
Others may disagree, but that's what I would do. I would want to know where my wife's head was at.
Yeah - I think that's probably the best approach. When he called on Wednesday that day he'd rattled off several things. So I could say something like - you mentioned several things when we first talked last Wednesday. So what's your thinking these days? Where would you like to start?
Don't let him put it back on YOU -- make him LEAD.
Then, if even he DOES, DON'T COMMIT TO ANYTHING RIGHT THERE. THANK him for being open with you, and sharing his thoughts, and tell him "that you've given me a lot to think about, to factor in to my own decisions that I've started formulating this past week. I think we should get back together maybe this coming weekend, and talk further?"
And if he DOESN'T commit to anything, and/or it's just a bunch o' b.s., I would very businesslike say "thank you for giving me such an accurate picture of where your head is at. You've given me a lot to think about, thanks. Hate to cut you off, but I have to go _______________ " -- and get up and leave.
Of course, the THIRD option of how it could go is that he would seem to be sincerely wanting to try and fix things, express remorse, and ask YOU what YOU want. This is why I wanted you to have your list handy.
If he does, you can share those with him if you wish, but I STILL think it would be better to push it back at him and say "I appreciate you asking, but frankly, this is your mess, and I think YOU have to clean it up. What do YOU think needs to happen?"
It's up to you. I would NOT make this too easy on him, and I think it would be darned near impossible to make it TOO HARD.
Wow - you've given me a lot to think about! I think I'll just leave it open-ended and see what he has to say and then go from there. I do like your idea with option #3 of saying I'd like to hear from him what he thinks needs to happen. He had lots of things he raddled off last Wednesday. I also think I'll push him to talk about "action planning" - what's the best way to put these plans into action.
I'm glad I asked to talk to him tonight because I'm not going to pretend like the last 12 weeks never happened and I'm not willing to go on that way.
I'm going back down to the lake this weekend with two of my girlfriends (planned already about a month ago) so that will give him some more thinking time. I'm sure he'll be a little worried because he these are my two best friends who he already thinks I've shared too much with and he also thinks they think he's the biggest "d..." in the world.
I'll let you know how things go tonight. Should be interesting!
I'm going back down to the lake this weekend with two of my girlfriends (planned already about a month ago) so that will give him some more thinking time. I'm sure he'll be a little worried because he these are my two best friends who he already thinks I've shared too much with and he also thinks they think he's the biggest "d..." in the world.
This is excellent timing! In fact, if this trip didn't ALREADY exist, I'd tell you to PLAN it!!
Yes, please do let me know what happens tonite. Whatever it is, YOU CAN HANDLE IT, and I do like that you initiated it! I'm guessing "The Old M25" would have been passive, and avoided the conflict altogether???
