K4D Rising #3

[K4D]

Stuck,

I was not putting the blame on her. I just know that she does have a lot of pride in everything she does and that makes things harder in a situation like this.

But thanks for being there to continually hammer me on past mistakes that I can't go back and change that would have had a different outcome than the one I am in now. I am more than aware that things could have been different now. I am trying to dig my way out of this very deep hole now. But it won't happen over night.

As far as what have I changed. The obvious one of not getting drunk anymore.
I am more responsible with everything now.
I don't rely on W for her help anymore.
The last 2 times we ML back in February I was very attentive to her.
I'm becoming a better dad.
I'm getting a life.
I am more comfortable at home than I used to be by myself.
I faith is stronger and better than it used to be.
I'm not relying on her to enjoy myself, but I would still like to have her back.

Those are some of the things.

Puppy,

You would be right. I guess she can read me like a book.

CG,

I get what you are saying about let them live with whatever happens in their choices because it is their choice. But it is still hard when you care about someone and love them to watch them have a difficult time with stuff. But I also know that if I stepped in, it wouldn't be appreciated and nothing would change.

Detaching doesn't mean I don't care about my W. It just means I am not dependent on her.

Kevin

[K4D]

Stuck,

Sorry about that. I know you are only trying to help. I think I just felt a bit frusturated by that. The past mistakes that I made do haunt me more than anyone knows and I do know that things could have been different now had I handled them right from the beginning. Its just frusturating to know that and then be reminded of that.

I appreciate your insight. I'm just trying to do what I can now the right way and hope at some point down the road maybe I will still have a shot at things.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

Why did you ask your d's IN FRONT OF YOUR WIFE, whether they'd gone to church??

Oh wait, I know. To make her look bad again!!! Don't BS us. We know your motives. If the answer had been yes, you'd have said to us, if not HER, "Well gee, how can she go to church and be such a sinner?" But the answer was better in your eyes b/c you got to shake your head in disbelief, "oh the agony!!" Good grief!

Yes Kevin you are still blaming her and as far as HER PRIDE...please....look in the mirror. I am surprised she comes into the apartment at all.

Smack Smack....stop thinking about her for God's sake, or for your d's sake or yours....please.

Try ONE idea that CG suggested with the thought stopping...just ONCE!!

So you can control the things you say and the things swimming around in the mind of yours. Sometimes I wonder how much insight you really have into yourself. If your w is half as intuitive as you say, she saw right through you as we do. And she resented it b/c she does not have amnesia. Your changes are "you don't drink" and as far as she can tell, that's it. And here you go on and on about the church going. PLEASE stop talking about it!

TO her, it's hypocritical, judgmental, self righteous, AND I can see why she'd feel that way! What was your goal in asking about church, right then and there while your w was still there? Be honest Kevin. It was to shame her, which somehow to you, means that she'll come back?? OR that you'll get to feel more "right"....neither makes any sense to her.


You still tell her all the things you are doing as if she's concerned or she's your buddy and she's usually polite enough to answer and say "cool"...but when she's not, it surprises you.... (Btw, why buy a house if your job is NOT yet permanent? Is it still a temp job? Aren't you a tad premature buying a home then? )

So, two steps forward, one back. Keep on keeping on but try more new things in your interactions. FWIW, I am thrilled you don't feel so hopeless anymore. That's a big thing.

Congrats on that.
(( j ))

[Puppy Dog Tails]

FWIW, I am thrilled you don't feel so hopeless anymore. That's a big thing.[/b]

Congrats on that.
(( j ))

Wow, what's this, the new kinder, gentler 25YMLC? C'mon, tell us you're not goin' all SOFT on us now, 25 . . .

Puppy

[K4D]

Ouch. I think I need to *SMACK* myself after that one. That was apparently a big step back. That was probably me returning back to the old Kev which I really don't want to do. I should not have said anything. I think I was just tired of her always not putting any importance on the kids going to church. And in the process of making a point, I did become the hypocrite and not an example of someone that wants to do things how Jesus would. Jesus wouldn't have done that. That was something I should not have done.

I think frusturation has been getting to me some between yesterday and today.

I'm sure she saw the old Kev and it was just a reminder that she doesn't want to be with me. One little screw up can set things way back. Ugg. I should have kept that in check. I won't make that mistake again.

I really am trying to be better. I just had a setback last night AGAIN.

You really have to be darn near perfect for a very very long time to make even just a little bit of progress. Its a tough road. It doesn't help to do something stupid like that which could have been easily avoided. In all honesty, that was trying to be controlling of a situation wasn't it. I shouldn't have done that. I am still having to learn that road but at the same time not be a doormat. I'm still trying to find the middle ground there. Don't try and control anything, but don't get run over either.

Kevin

[K4D]

Also, yes, my job is still a temp job and I am still waiting for it to go perm. I am pretty confident it will. The interest rates are so low right now and prices are down, its hard not to look at something right now house wise.

Kevin

[K4D]

Hmm. I wonder how I dig myself out of this one now. She doesn't want anything to do with me at all and I just set myself back even more. This definitely feels like a never ending job at times. But when I keep making mistakes, thats how it is.

I did apologize to her. But I'm sure she was still thinking "jerk" in her mind. Uggg.

I'm really not a jerk. I was just feeling frusturated last night and this morning. I'm actually a really nice person.

I just blew it.

Kevin

[AlexEN]

Here is one link on "emotional thought stopping" that is quite good and offers a four part lesson on the ins and outs of it all.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14703-thought-stopping-in-recovery/

If you do a Google search using the keywords "emotional thought stopping techniques" you will come up with many other links that are equally as good although for the most part the concept is the same.

HTH!

CG,

A long overdue thanks for posting this...

-AlexEN

[FaithfulH]

But it is still hard when you care about someone and love them to watch them have a difficult time with stuff.

K4D,

This comment makes me think you still don't understand detachment. You detach for you AND them! You do it BECAUSE you love them! Please re-read the article:

What is detachment?

Failing to detach is actually SELFISH!

[antlers]

I just blew it.

Kevin

Then STOP it! Other people can, and do...and so can you! You just have to want to do it bad enough, man!