I am never coming back !!!!!!!!

[25yearsmlc]

Irm,

So you won't file for divorce, but your h doesn't send CS regularly? And the reason you won't file is not biblical, but b/c you somehow think or fear that your kids will see YOU as a "quitter" by getting a legally enforceable agreement that protects them? Do they think he's "working" in Georgia? No. They have met OW....they know what's going on and they know you have "verbal" agreements which, oops, he disobeyed...

I don't know that I buy this approach. I know you are a good person. And it's none of my business but if I may just once point out another line of thought....There just seem to be other motivations here you may not want to face.

He's an adulterer - so you are biblically justified in filing. He "quit" the M and everyone knows it. He left. He lives far away, with OW AND HER KIDS, AND he spends "his" i.e., your children's money on them....AND b/c you are not legally div, there is not much you can do. So your children are helpless to react, thanks to you not filing for anything in court even an order of CS...why not? You don't have to file for div to get money...but you do have to go to court....

Is it possible that you feel he is more likely to return if you don't file, and therefore you are risking your own, and your children's financial security based on that hope? Look inside really honestly and ask yourself if it might be something else that keeps you from filing, and that it does not benefit your kids.

Just food for thought. As for our take on your comment about being there for him, hey it was simply our take on it. But you still are insisting that you will be there for him, and WE know what you mean. But several of us are saying that to HIM, WE think it might sound like something else. You insist it is not. Why so insistent? If we say how it struck us, just accept that it is how it struck us regardless of your intent. We're telling you how it sounded to us, and maybe to him, maybe not. Doesn't matter now as long as you don't keep saying it...

I for one, would at least act as if he was losing me & I'm GAL, b/c with this behavior he may feel he is getting a "5/10/15+?? year permitted time out" in which he can do whatever he wants with whomever, and IF and WHEN he feels like it, he'll step back into "his" home & M, b/c after all, you said he could. You said you'd "wait"....you said "if he ever needs you"...and maybe in 5 years he will. Financially, physically, occupationally, who knows? But He's in no rush to come home now; b/c he knows you are there waiting. Why give up his precious freedom when there's no loss to him, for staying away? That's all I'm saying.

His response to it, the, "I KNOW", is telling. You have no need to repeat it.

Can you GAL and somehow convey to him that you want to stop being in limbo? I mean he won't answer the emails - but he'd have to answer the legal filings. I have a feeling you are refraining from action b/c you hold out hope he'll return to you, on his own, if you do nothing at all to protect yourself or your kids. Is this true? You won't do anything? b/c you don't want to anger him?

One thing you know, is That approach has NOT worked yet with 2 years of it....so why would it with more time? He gets it both ways. Freedom AND NO responsibility b/c he might want to come back and he knows you'll take him back. (Yes Yes you said you wouldn't. But to HIM, you said you'd "be here if you ever need me for anything" and he said, "I KNOW".....)

I filed for a sep in my state b/c my h was so under the influence of his heroes in the "last frontier" that I think he'd have mortgaged our house to "invest" up there. I thank GOD I stopped that. My kids' security came first, before my pride or my desire to reconcile. I could not risk THEIR security by not enforcing it. Make sense?

I'm not saying you have to file for div. I am saying you have to protect yourself and if that doesn't matter enough to you, then protect your children. Financially. It's wrong that he helped his OW re-fi her home and didn't send CS to your d, and ignored your emails...how bad does he have to get before you'll file? You realize he can file taxes and use you as deductions on taxes so he probably benefits by not being divorced, (while just acting like he is).

And when I asked you financial questions, you didn't really answer them. I'm not trying to be a hard a-- on you, but I urge you to think these things out. God helps those who help themselves. You can do this. What choice do you really have? If you took offense, I'm sorry. Just here to try and get you moving onward. Not necessarily alone but at least with your kids getting money. Whenever I see a "verbal agreement", I see NO agreement, and when I see a kid get NO money, I see a woman who needs to see a L. (I am a L btw, but not a div one. So nope, I'm NOT trying to get any business here. Just doing a little warning stuff now and then...) Hope this helps and doesn't ruin your day....
I mean well.

I hope you are well and safe and that your kids are too.
J-